Mom had a stroke over a year ago due to taking herself off her meds due to the cost of those meds. She's obese, diabetic, a-fib, multiple aches and pains, etc, etc. Her stroke risk factors were off the charts, but she voluntarily stopped her blood-thinners and promptly had a stroke. She did the rehab routine at a nursing home and convinced the staff she was OK to go home after getting cut off by her insurance company.
She's of limited means, so paid caregivers were only a limited option. The home caregivers her insurance company was willing to pay for were of limited value and duration. I became her primary caregiver: cooking, shopping, meds, bill paying, keeping her company, taking her to the doctor, arranging a medical van since she could not travel my car, making her phone calls, banking, coordinating caregivers, and basically pulling out all the stops to try to keep her in her home. Unfortunately, in spite of my very best efforts, her condition declined under my care. There just were not enough hours in the day and I work outside the home as well. I also have minor children - one of which is not even in school yet. I needed additional help - which was not available.
Mom and mom's sister both felt I should be doing more and they felt I should somehow be mandating other family members to do more as well. Mom and mom's sister did not have a kind word for me (even though I was killing myself trying to care for Mom, my kids, my spouse, trying to work inside and outside the home) & they seemed to feel that if they bullied me enough, I'd find the strength to provide the 24 hour care that Mom needed?
I don't know that I've ever been so used and abused in my life. I feel like only someone who has tried to care for someone could possibly understand the level of exhaustion and heartache. In spite of that, I really did try to maintain control and my heart was in the right place. Mom was falling, making med errors, ignoring the meal plan and then telling family friends that I had left her with "nothing to eat", calling 911 for frivolous reasons, leaving her phone off the hook (which meant we could not reach her and would have to drive over there), getting her phone and TV remotes mixed up and pressing wrong buttons, having urine and stool accidents, threatened an imaginary intruder with a knife, tried to apply for credit cards and purchase things she saw on TV, refused to do her exercises she was being taught by in-home PT, and probably multiple other things I'm not even thinking of right now.
Her last day in her home involved an unwitnessed fall with likely loss of consciousness. She went back to the hospital and then to the nursing home. With 24 hour care, she has really done well & we are thrilled! However, she constantly wants to "get an apartment" - which she cannot do - unless I want a replay of the antics I listed above. She refuses to see that the reason she's doing so well is ONLY because she's getting 24 hour care. She would not have 24 hour care in an apartment. If she ever did get an apartment, she would need to understand that I would not be making myself available to her anymore and she would need to be 100% independent since there's no one other than me who can or would help at all. Trust me, she's not 100% independent & she now blames me for that.
She claims she would be fine if she got out, but will "become an invalid" if she stays in the nursing home. I have talked to the staff about this, and they feel that all the residents would like to go to their own place & I shouldn't worry about it. the problem is that Mom is "with it" enough that she KNOWS she's been placed in a facility and it's permanent. I can't pull the "Let's talk about this next time" routine. Unfortunately, Mom doesn't remember all of the things that she would not (or could not) do which would have been necessary to keep her at home. She believe she needs no care or assistance at all and she can move to an apartment any time. The nursing home provides high-quality ongoing care - make no mistake about it. It's a nice facility. But Mom fails to see that and says things like "What difference does it make if I watch TV here or if I watch TV in my own place?" The nursing home does a lot more for her than provide her with a TV. Any advice on how to reason with her?