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My 85yr old mom has been living with me, my 16yr old daughter, and husband for 1 1/2 yrs. She has Parkinsons with dementia, possible Lewy Body Dementia.
She is demanding, insulting, unappreciative, complains constantly. Now she is telling my father and brothers and sisters she is unhappy and wants to move back to another state to live with my Dad.
She moved here to live with me because she was in a nursing home and not real happy there. I volunteered for her to come live with my family and my Dad paid to build an addition onto my home for her. My Dad is 87yrs old, lives alone, but is not healthy enough to take care of himself and her. It would really bring him down also. When she complains to him about how she doesn't like living with me, even though I wait on her hand and foot, he says would you want to go to a nursing home? Of course, she says no.
I offered to take her 1 1/2 yrs ago because we always gotten along well. Now, forget it! I can bearly stand to be around her. Maybe it is just having to deal with her 24/7. She has been on hospice since June 2012. She goes up and down. A few weeks ago they told me to think about funeral arrangements and now she is just fine. I know this won't go on forever but I don't know how much more of this I can take. It is taking a big toll on my husband, daughter, and I. I'm afraid if she goes to a NH she will not last long. But, on the other hand, she treats me very badly when no one else is around and she is driving me crazy. I get so mad when every family member blames it on the dementia when even the hospice people say it is just her personality!

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Well, that definitely clarifies things. Time to put mom in a nice nursing home near you. You will need to supervise her care but won't have to deal with the day to daycomplaints that are not fair to you and your family. She would probably do better with the emotional support of your dad but as you have said, that's not going to happen.
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Thank you everyone for your responses. I should have explained to you that when he paid for the addition onto my house it was supposed to be for both of them. He had planned on moving up here also. However, he decided not to move and stay where he is for a number of reasons.
He enjoys his independence and is actually very self-sufficient. He probably could feasibly take care of her now that she is doing better. My mom is very up and down. Hospice said they were going to take her off in the past and then she fell, got a UTI, and they would recertify her. The fact is I think if he wanted to really be with her, he would be. She would be happier with him, but not vice versa. It has always been a one sided marriage. My mom worships my dad and he has always provided for her financially but not emotionally. It is sad, but things are not going to change now, that's for sure.
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When the hospice people tell you that your moms behavior is just her personality and not the dementia, they are doing you a disservice because it adds to your anger about her caretaking. You've already said you always used to get along, so her bad behavior couldn't have been 100 percent her personality then.

mynut, the truth is that her behavior is the result of BOTH. There was some suppressed or hidden part of her personality that was as you see it today, always underlying, but not coming forth because of ego. With dementia, the ego curtain lifts and the suppressed personality is visible. The hospice disservice to you is not helping you understand that your mom can't help it.

While knowing that doesn't make you feel any better or the day to day care go any more pleasant, it may allow you to be easier with it, both with yourself and her.

What is clear to me is that when you feel this way, and this is putting such a strain on your family, you should not continue to subject yourself to the responsibility of her 24/7 care taking. You either need to get aides in your home or place her in a nursing home. I don't know if the logistics would work out for you but it doesn't seem to make sense to have your dad so far away. Perhaps there's a way to put the two of them together in a couples nursing home or a full service assisted living. Some of your moms behavior might be quelled by being WITH her husband instead of APART from him. I don't know the size of your community, but many areas have "tiered" care that can move people all the way from independent living to skilled nursing care. Your dad is sure to need help in the very near future and it might be wise to organize their situation now and remove your mom from your home. Don't think of it as giving up on her, there is still plenty to do when you are managing someone living in a facility. She might become happier again if she could be with your dad.
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You're 'afraid' if you put her in a NH she won't last long? Put her in there and PRAY she doesn't last long. You want to do this another god knows how many years for this nasty old woman who's making everyone's life a living hell?

It's down to your family, or your mother. Who's it going to be? I know what my choice would be. Good luck!
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Could your dad come and stay with her and your family for her final weeks or months? Maybe you could also get a little in home help as she continues to decline.
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Dementia is a horrible disease. Your dad sounds like he, too, needs 24/7 care. Who cares for him and why would you separate them? Consider placing them both into a NH, or at the very least hire caregivers in your own home.
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I would tell her (and I know how you feel) "Pack up and go. No one has you prisoner here." Of course, she can't do that on her own, so she is stuck. In my mind it really is time for her to get full time care at a NH.
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If she is in her final months of life maybe she should spend the rest of her days with her husband. Instead of spending money for a nursing home have a live-in-caregiver look after the two of them.
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