Mom is almost 80. She has balance problems, walks with a cane, very bent over posture and has pains in her back if she lifts anything over maybe 5 lbs. She has not seen a dr in at least 30 years. No way she could walk very far on her own. I think She could make it to the next door neighbors house in an emergency, but I would guess no farther. She definitely could not walk to any business. Where she lives is very residential and at least 4 miles from the center of our small village.
My parents moved from the small town where they lived for 50 years (hundreds of miles away) to 3 miles down the road from me about 3 years ago, when my dad had dementia and she wasn’t coping well. He could no longer drive. He passed away about a year ago. I visit her usually three times per week.
My mom does not have dementia, but never really liked driving. My dad did almost all the driving until he couldn’t anymore. Once she moved near me, she never learned her way around. Plus she was not used to snow or ice or roundabouts and is very afraid. Once she got comfortable with having groceries delivered, she pretty much stopped driving.
Once or twice in the past few months, she has said she had cabin fever. I think what it means is she wants me to take her to my place or out to a meal.
Now she wants to give up her car. This is setting off alarm bells for me. But I’m not sure whether that is because it is truly unadvisable to live alone without one in our neighborhood or because I am afraid it will only seal her dependency upon me all the more.
If she were to get rid of her car, I would insist that she load Lyft or Uber on her phone and learn how to use them. I do sometimes go out of town and want to be able to do it more. I just want her not to be totally helpless.
I Would feel a lot better if she were in assisted living, but so far she is resistant. She really doesn’t relish having other people around her and finds it stressful. She has never had many friends.
We did once talk about her moving to a smaller house in the same neighborhood closer to the center of the village, but moving itself is very stressful and the convo went on the back burner.
Any suggestions on the car issue? Thanks.
If she feels she can no longer drive then I would accept that, most old people fight giving up driving and are a menace on the road. I live in Fl, I can attest to that.
You worry about what would happen in an emergency with you out of town. You worry that she'll become completely dependent on you for socialization--if she's not already--or worse, to maintain the amount of independence she has now.
The car seems to be the least of your worries, giving it up is the lesser of two evils. Even if she were to keep it, she's not safe driving and it's an unnecessary expense. I think you've entered the ever-changing land of "one day at a time". This is what millions of people are dealing with, the precarious future of the elders in their lives. It's really hard to make detailed plans for that in advance. One day, the tenuous balance will change, and then you'll need a new plan to deal with the new reality. Maybe she'll agree to assisted living then. Maybe it will be a true crisis and she'll have no choice in what happens. I guess I have no real answers or advice; this is just what happens to so many in this community.
It also sounds like mom knows what she wants and is willing to do or not do. She sounds pretty reasonable on those issues that many struggle with. She has someone for cleaning, lawn and snow maintenance, and has her groceries delivered and she doesn’t drive. ✔️✔️✔️✔️
You visit three times a week. I applaud you for that.
I couldn’t do it. You and she have a lot going right.
My talk with her would be one where you let her know that you appreciate her being proactive on the support she has in place.
Her announcing it’s time for her to stop driving is a wake up call to you that more support is now needed. As her DPOA, your job to let her know.
if she’s manipulative it might be she wants you to step up more. So good move on your reacting with boundaries.
The car service is a great idea if she can manage it.
I like the idea of going with her for several trips. You might have her go from her house to yours when you want to have her for dinner as a way to solidify her use of the service as routine and normal. I wonder if cameras would be good? An outdoor one so you can see her going and coming might be helpful. She might actually go out more than when she was driving after she gets acclimated. Especially since she was always more accustomed to being the passenger.
Does she have a medical alert? She could have one that listed both you and brother as a contact.
Suzy23, I thought your name looked familiar so I just read your bio and many of your previous responses. You give excellent advice to others based on a lot of solid and difficult experience.
I see you have a good understanding of your mom’s personality and you have been there and done that on trying to convince her of anything. She is willing to put up with a lot of inconvenience before she changes her mind and you are doing and have done a lot for her already.
About seeing a doctor. If I were going to try to alter that in any way, I would look for a geriatric primary who would do virtual appointments. Then she wouldn’t have to go but to the first appointment and then the virtual perhaps maybe only once a year or as needed. She might be able to get some home physical/occupational therapy to help with her balance and pain or take the Lyft to a climic. Otherwise she will continue to decline and have to move to where she gets more care sooner rather than later. Not your idea. Just ole Mother Nature doing her thing.
I found this very helpful for my DH aunt before and after she went into care. It gave me a contact for medical care outside of the one in the NH.
Good luck with the talk.
Be thankful she is initiating giving up the car.
Mom is no longer safe driving.
She knows it, and so do you.
There can no longer be a car. She will now be completely dependent on you until you need to move in with her, or her in with you UNLESS she is told the honest truth.
The truth is simple and you know it. This is no longer a matter of what she WANTS but of what she NEEDS. She must be in safe care, with food provided, with some friends around for entertainment, with transportation.
This isn't about choice. You are not responsible to make your mother HAPPY and happy doesn't happen in old age. This is about what she CAN do, and what MUST now be done for her safety and to save you from the ravages of full time, 24/7 caretaking that will not work for EITHER OF YOU, and will sacrifice some of the best years of your life on a burning funeral pyre. Slow burn type.
I am sorry. I am brutal and blunt, I am oft reminded, but playing around with these things as though what you KNOW you are seeing might just not be true, might change, has some "fix" could lead to more denial and hopelessness. You have no choice but to now have a sit down. Recognize that this isn't what ANYONE wants; but this is now how it must be. If she refuses, then back away, provide her with help numbers and tell her she's on her own until she recognizes that this isn't working and you won't be stepping OUT of daughter role, IN to caregiver role.
Best of luck. Please DO update us. My heart goes out to you and mom both.
I am thinking about The Talk. My brother is visiting next month so maybe he will help me on this.
My husband and I have a trip planned in August so may suggest she try an AL place then (nice one in our same town, or one of several others in the larger area) which offers temporary stays and temp-to-permanent. I could insist she and I at least visit it for a tour.
other option is wait for a crisis.
Hopefully she will become open to moving to assisted living. Maybe you could take some tours with her of them. My Dad lives in an independent apartment. They do weekly shopping on the bus. They also provide transportation to appointments if needed. There are plenty of residents that are not social and keep to themselves.
Wishing you luck!
I really think she should do independent living or better yet, assisted. Will work on that.
My mom was not happy giving up her car at first, and we used that as the reason to bring in some help. Calling this person her "driver" instead "caregiver" went over much better with her. (In actuality they're a caregiver who drives.)
She didn't like it at first, but after a few weeks came to regard them as friends and says she wouldn't know what to do without them.
As her dementia has increased, her caregiving needs have increased. Having already built up a relationship, she is more accepting of their staying longer hours, doing more tasks, and hands on help.
maybe I will try the “driver” thing but for now she’s saying she just doesn’t want to leave her house.
I remember internally groaning. Much like what you describe, there was really no way to function where we lived if you didn't have a car. I had this nightmare scenario running through my mind that my days were now going to be filled with being a chauffer.
Then my husband though about it and pointed out to me: Mom really didn't go out anymore, anyway. Her car was sitting, not getting used - which is really no good for a car - and any maintenance that had to be done, well, we were the ones dealing with the car to keep it running and maintained. The way he figured, the amount of time we spent taking care of the car (because we had to take it out at least once a week to run it anyway) would be about even with the amount of time running mom around. Not to mention the fact that, by this point, I was going to all of my mom's doctors' appointments anyway, because she wanted another set of ears at the visit.
I won't lie and say it was always easy with her once she gave up her car - she had a bad habit of making appointments without asking us first if there was someone available to drive - but in those instances, I just insisted she change the appointment. She learned pretty quickly to check first with us after a few times.
Really, you don't want to place mom in a position where she starts to put off necessary things (doctor appointments, grocery shopping etc.) because she's leery about driving there! That can create worse problems for both of you.
Good luck!
she gets groceries delivered and has a cleaning lady once a week.
She rarely leaves her house and doesn’t seem to want to except occasional meals out or visits to my house. For which I pick her up and take her back.
Hire a companion that can come 1 or 2 times a week. The companion can take her out to stores, a meal or just for a drive.
The companion can also do light housework, laundry and meal prep (when you call around to agencies give the description of what needs to be done. If personal care is needed it may be more than a "companion")
You can also check with the local Senior Services Center and see if they have volunteers that can drive her if she wishes to go out. Many ask that a 24 or 48 hour notice is given so that they can find a volunteer that can drive.
You might also ask if there are any Adult Day Programs in the area. These programs are not just for people with dementia but it is a way to get seniors out and get them engaged with others. Many have transportation to the program.
I toured literally every adult day care in the tri-county area when my dad was alive with dementia and driving her nuts. She refused to visit any of them. I also found a free bus service that would pick him up and drop him off 2-3 days per week. I took him to the best one for an afternoon. He told her he didn’t like it and she vowed not to make him do it. I am certain she would rather swallow live poisonous spiders than do adult day care herself. But thanks.
Your mom may hav her reasons, she may not even know her reasons , but she knows she is uncomfortable to drive.
Today there are so many other options.
Your mom is already dependent on you so not sure how selling her car would change anything.
You just need to make sure that you set clear boundaries with her about when and what you can do for her and then stick to them.
Or, you can consider "hiring" one of her neighbors to take her out once a week and pay them in gift cards to Target or Amazon.
Many of us would be thrilled if our parent gave up driving on their own .
Maybe after a while of no car she will also decide on her own to move to assisted living .
I hope you are right about my mom agreeing to AL.