Now Mom wants to come live with us. Advice? - AgingCare.com

Now Mom wants to come live with us. Advice?

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Mom is 82. Parkinsons/blind/can no longer walk. She used to be able to walk with a lot of help so she could at least get to the toilet. She and my nephew caregiver fell while he was trying to help her to toilet. Nephew hurt his back trying to keep mom from falling. She does not want to go to nursing home. She wants to come live with me here in Texas (she's in Calif.) My husband is 66, I am 59 income is VA benefits & my SSDI. We rent, our lease is valid until 2015. My sister, husband & nephew have been caring for her. She lives with my brother who works full time. Now my nephew has started college and can no longer "baby sit" mom. She cannot be left alone. I feel so guilty saying this, but the level of care she now needs getting out of reach for us. The wheel chair offers ability to move, but now her sight is gone. Taking her meds require someone giving them to her, same with meals. Access to the bathrooms here is impossible, since she can no longer assist. This is overwhelming. HELP!

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If I had it to do all over again I would have placed my mom in a good place when my father died. I did not want to place her after she just lost my father, but now when I think about everything it would have been in her best intrest ,, she progressed so rapidly within four months of his death and change is not good for them.. She would have been settled and not dealing with change in a more progressed state.. Plus the toll it took on me was overwhelming. Her case manager told me I was acting in her best intrest letting her get the skilled nursing she needed.. She never gets sick in the home and is cared for good.. I don't think her adjustment would have been as severe back then.. Best wishes
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I am learning to not feel guilty as I come to understand that my mom's needs are far more than I could manage. If your young nephew was hurt helping her, how will you manage? And what if it gets worse as it likely will. Sometimes we cannot provide what we wish we could.
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There's a difference between guilt and remorse.

Guilt is when we do something wrong or bad when we know we should have done something right or good. Remorse is when we wish we could have done things differently -- but couldn't. Chesshirekitti, you're feeling remorseful that you can't do more, especially since you're so far away.

I'm caring for my 92-year-old mom in our home now. She's in Stage 6 Alzheimer's, is blind in one eye, nearly deaf and can barely walk. She's very sweet and we love caring for her, but my husband and I have committed to take care of her until only she requires lifting.

You and her other loved ones have already crossed your threshold. The best thing to do for her now is to find professional care ... and, yes, that is most likely a nursing home. Find one that accepts Medicaid, either in California or Texas, and file for Medicaid. Do the very best you can, and you'll have no reason to feel guilty. Hugs!
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Don't attempt to care for someone when their level of care is beyond your means and abilities. Having said that, I don't know anyone who WANTS to go live in a nursing home, but your mother needs 24/7 care by professionals. Check out the CA placements and file for Medical. Best wishes.
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Reading your plea for help, I have the impression you already know what to do. Blessings to you and yours in this difficult transition.
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Lawson is so right! Do not make decisions based on guilt. You must find the safest and most secure situation for your mom, not what will make you feel less guilty.
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I am facing some of the same decisions with my Mom. It is so hard to feel like I'm making the right decisions. One thing that I have figured out is that guilt is not useful. It just causes me to make choices that aren't in the best interest of anyone. I ask myself every day why this time in my Mom's life has to be so difficult and yes even cruel. I think if I could just understand then I could do a better job but that isn't going to happen. So, now I ask myself who is the most qualified to take care of my Mom's needs to make her the safest and most cared for until she is no longer with us. So far, she is still with me but I know the time will come when I won't be that person. When we love someone as much as I love my Mom, I would give my life for her. However I have decided I cannot give up my life to her. She wouldn't want that just as I wouldn't want that for my son. So after so many sleepless nights, worry and guilt I now feel that I can let go when the time comes. Then I can still be with her, do things for her and hug her with love in my heart because the "burden" will not be in my way. This is just my journey. My hope is that it will help you in some small way.
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It doesn't sound as if she would qualify for assisted living. It has been my experience in Pa that they have to be somewhat self sufficient to live there. A higher level of nursing care sounds in order. It doesn't sound as if she would be safe living in a home any more. I'm 53 and I know that I would not be able to lift my mom to get her on and off the toliet, etc. As hard as it is, I think you have to be realistic and start checking out nursing facilities. It's a very difficult situation to be in, and I feel for your situation.
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Maybe you or your sister can locate an Assisted Living facility that accepts Medicaid either in your state or in California. Your feelings are totally understandable and since my husband and I are just about the same age as you and yours, your situation really resonates or hits home. My Mom lives with us and we are her sole caregivers; my sis is disabled and lives more than just an hour away and my brother also has ill health and lives over a thousand miles away. That's just the way life has worked out as it happens sometimes. Anyway, my Mom has lived with me, then us, for over 40 years. But it has been during the last five, since she broke her hip (she recovered nicely enough) she has become totally dependent and is now so frail, she really shouldn't be alone at all.

If I had it to do over again, when she broke her hip, I would have encouraged her to go to an assisted living facility. While I have been responsible for her well being for all of the time she has been with me, these last 5 years have been the most difficult as her health and mental status have declined (95 years). I haven't been able to enjoy that mother-daughter relationship for many years and while I could be wrong, I believe that if she had been in AL I would have been able to relate to her in a totally different way. Taken her out to eat, taken her little gifts, helped her with her personal needs like cutting her hair, nails etc. Now I spend all my time worrying about everything that concerns her needs. Everything. So all the stuff that I'd like to do I'm either to tired or my attitude stinks (I hate that in myself). Our social life is limited to ourselves and church, phone calls with relatives and friends (hi how ya doing, what's up with you ...everything is the same here, day in, day out). The point is, if it can be worked out, your relationship "might" be better if she is in a place where there are people her own age that she can interact with. By the way, my Mom has gotten so deaf, yelling in her ear doesn't even help anymore and she is so blind that she can not even see large print with reading glasses and a magnifying glass. So she is lonely and I'm unable to even talk to her.

Wishing you the best.
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