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She's 97 and very sharp but narcissistic and demanding.

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Rainmom is right. The irrevocable trust can't be undone. It is like a gift to the recipients that they have to wait until death to collect. Other trusts can be changed if a person is competent to do so.

If my mother was to threaten to cut me out of her will, I would tell her to go ahead. Her money and things don't mean anything to me. She did try to cut my brothers out of the will. Her lawyer even wrote the new will after I told him not to. I knew she wanted the new will because she was mad and would be a destructive final statement to her sons. I also knew she would regret the will, and that she was not competent to be making such changes. Some people would say I was stupid to not let her change it. But the money isn't important to me and the bad feelings would last. Sometimes we have to protect them from making mistakes.

I'm just sorry her lawyer friend wasted his time in drawing up the new will.
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I'm going to address part 2 of the question.

An Irrevocable Trust is designed to be just that - Irrevocable. As in it can not be changed or altered in any way.

My son has an Irrevocable Trust. I was reading it the other day - which all the legalese makes nearly impossible. However, I managed. The part about it being Irrevocable was very strongly written and very clear. No. Changes. Ever.

I know when the Trust was set up - that was my intention. Now, twenty years later there is something I'd like to change. I'm making an appointment to see my attorney to check into it but frankly I don't think it's going to be possible to make the change. That will be okay - just not optimal.

I don't know if all the wording is pretty much the same in these types of Trusts when it comes to the "carved in stone" portion - but if your mothers Trust is written anything like my sons, I doubt if you've got cause to worry. Still have an attorney take a look at it just to put your mind at ease.
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With the "golden son" cases I mentioned - the parents were old fashioned - of course the daughter would have a husband to take care of her - she wouldn't need the money anyway......... Jeepers
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The same thing happened when my husband's mother died. 25 years before her death she willed everything to one son who lived 1200 miles away from her and rarely saw her, and not one thing to her daughter who lived fairly close and spent years being a good daughter to her, nor the other three siblings. Out of the five siblings only the one son was even mentioned in her will. Her estate was worth about $300k or more, but he didn't even think enough of her to use some of the money to have a funeral for her!! Crazy how some people conduct their lives.
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"The hard part is when a parent disowns you and you don't know it. I have friends who were the only siblings who took care of manipulative parents only to find out that everything was left to the golden child son who never bothered to visit." Wow. And I bet Golden Boy never gave them anything from his inheritance? So they wasted (probably) years taking care of ungrateful, undeserving parents who thought their caretakers were worthless.
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Yeah - my in-laws threaten to do that whenever we don't knuckle under to their demands. It is her money (what part she can control) let her do what she wants but then you do what YOU want. Back away. My husband usually tries to talk to my in-laws "what is this really about, what are you angry about" and it is usually a boundary issue that we are enforcing. He then guilts them "what kind of parents disown children because the parents aren't getting their own way? sounds childish to me, but go ahead, and we can be manipulative too, we'll just cancel our flights to see you in July...." Call her on it.

The hard part is when a parent disowns you and you don't know it. I have friends who were the only siblings who took care of manipulative parents only to find out that everything was left to the golden child son who never bothered to visit.

Live your life in the here and now.
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If my mother wanted to change her trust to disinherit me, she would have to do ALL the work herself. And that would include getting a ride to the attorney. She'd have to pay for a taxi, and she'd hate spending that money. She doesn't have a computer, so can'd do Uber.

(If I found out ahead of time, I would call up that attorney and tell him I question her legal capacity.)

And then if she succeeded in changing the trust to disinherit me, she would get no more help from me. She'd be all on her own.

(Actually, I think the cost to change the trust and the difficulty in arranging transportation to do so would dissuade her.)
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I think it is up to her lawyer to weigh in on what parts of the Trust can be changed. S/he may also want an evaluation to determine if she is competent to make changes.

Is she threatening to disown you in order to manipulate you? My husband's mom did this; she also threatened to call APS on him because he told her that her smoking was bad for her COPD.

He turned his back and walked away.
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