Mom wants to bring dad home from the memory care facility. Has anyone done this? -

Mom wants to bring dad home from the memory care facility. Has anyone done this?


So, dad with mid-stage dementia who is still very capable physically. He was living at home with my mother, but getting wiggy for the last 1-2 years about people, place/home and time. Mom said she was done with him, told me to get him out of the house and she never wanted to see him again! I placed him in a local memory care ALF two months ago. Now that he's adjusted, she IS going to visit him, she feels very guilty, says she should have tried harder, and wants to bring him home. Has anybody here brought someone with dementia home from an ALF? Mom lives alone, I am an only child, we have no family support, and mom says she will refuse any home health care, at all. So I see my life falling apart again soon...

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Thank you all for your answers! No, I do not believe my mom would be able to do this without my help. I have already told her that if she brings him home, I am NOT leaving my home life to spend nights at their house, which is what I believe it would take. This is waaay too open-ended and could go on for years. I have too much to lose that, at 50, I would never be able to get back! The last 6 months he lived at home they argued continually and I had to play marriage counselor on a regular basis. It was very unpleasant. She was verbally so cruel to him...I told her she would have many lonely years to think about her behavior, and now that time has arrived. My dad cannot live alone but we do not have enough support to care for him at home. My parents alienated all family many decades ago, and have run off most of their only friends. I am an only child. My parents allowed themselves to become totally isolated and now I am their only support staff and social outlet. It's awful. I feel like I am in self-protection mode these days! Thanks again!!
Helpful Answer (0)

Something else. I don't think your mom would be capable of bringing your dad home without your help, right?

So, don't cooperate. Say "no".

Your mother might play at being unhappy, but it might be her way of absolving herself of blame. This way she can say to friends " well, I wanted to bring him home, but my daughter refuses to do her part".

Let her have her self-comforting fiction.
Helpful Answer (3)

Upstream, this is the point at which you have to be the adult in the room and say " no, mom, that's not what would be the best for everyone concerned. Dad needs to stay where he can get full time care, and where you don't get worn out from caregiving single handedly."

If she won't listen to you, get the social worker and her doctor involved in the discussion.
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Upstream, try with all your strength to convince Mom that isn't a good idea. Dad is in Assisted Living/Memory Care for a reason, it can take a village to help take care of him.

When your Mom visits your Dad, I doubt it is for the whole day and into the night. She has either forgotten or is in denial of all the work that was involved. Seeing a loved one for an hour or so, it will seem easy to take of the person. It's the guilt talking, as you already know. Curious, is your Mom afraid to be living alone?

Now, to convince Mom to let Dad stay where he is currently living. That is great how your Dad had adjusted to his new home so quickly, you are lucky with that. And I bet he likes it better than being at home.... your Mom could start going back to her old ways, snippy and snarling at Dad.

Is there a third person that your Mom trusts and would listen to? I know she probably won't listen to you, we are just kids and what do we know :P Or have her have a conference with the Staff at the Assisted Living... they are pretty good at convincing.

I remember when I was called in for a meeting as the Staff said it was time to move my Dad from Independent Living over to Memory Care... say what? They said it was time, and I didn't want to believe them, but they were soooo very right.
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