Mom wants sympathy all the time. How to ignore when nothing is wrong?

Sounds like there is a need for more socialization. Is there adult day care or a senior center nearby? I remember when my grammar lived with us back in the 360s she would complain to my mom sometimes that she had no one to talk to. My mother took great offence at this of course, as if she wasn't good enough company. I think there may be no win in this situation unless you can get the elder out to socialize with others somehow.

We all have felt that way to varying degrees at different times. The way I handle it is to tell myself that living with and caring for my bedridden 90 year old Dad and mobile but needy 90 year old mother, is my job. Just my job. Do it,get it done, and get out of the house for my own life. When I started rebuilding an outside life of my own, there was very little I enjoyed or wanted to do, but I have invented things to do and I really do enjoy them. When my Dad has his routine nap I take my cell phone, promise my Mom that I will answer if she needs me, and I go to the library and read my favorite magazines and newspapers. I go meet a girlfriend and take a walk. I walk through the grocery stores and remember when I shopped for my family when my children were young. Sometimes I just go into a parking lot and call a friend and just chat. I tell myself this is my life and I enjoy it. Sometimes I can afford a caregiver and the outings are longer and more carefree.

I go into my room with my favorite hot beverage shut the door and look on the internet for whatever I am interested in. When my parents get too difficult, I remind myself that I raised children who were young and soiled their diapers and threw their food on the floor, and we got through it.

I remind myself that no one lives to be 150 years old and that this too shall pass.

Go out into the sunshine, take deep breaths, and find something to do that you enjoy OUTSIDE of the caregiver role.

Why not give her sympathy. Agree with her. It sucks being old, with nothing but death to look forward to. This way the burden is on old age, not you. Not your job to fix it, even if if you could. You dread mornings because you feel helpess and hopeless at not being able to fix the complaints. Free yourself of the burden, you can't cure old age. Relax and enjoy your Mom. This advice is courtesy of my shrink. i highly recommend seeing one.

Absolutely hard and depressing on a person. It is the same with my 82 year old uncle, even if everything is ok he finds something negative to dwell on and complain about. What I do is just wake up each day and try to give him something positive to be thankful for sometimes it helps sometimes not all we can do us try.

The answers to questions amaze me. So many smart, insightful and loving people answer these questions. I have been caring for my 92 year old mother by myself. No family close by to help.y friends at work and hers in stages of frailties. I am worn out. I agree with cmagnum. At this stage of my Mothers disease she can guilt me on different ways. Never believes that until
Lately. She does not do or say those those words to outsiders who stop by the house. She is the picture of polite. Around me, her 24/7 care giver, daughter and prior to this awful disease, best friend she is all over the board with behaviors and emotion. I attributed it to felling safe with me while her mind is scaring her to death. Hard to distance from the emotional impact. I suggest counseling if you can get away. My next step. After going on 3 years I ended up in the hospital for 5 days. Gastroenteritis, sepsis. Kept Mom healthy as a racehorse was making me sick. No one can do this year after year 24/7. Find a group to share stories and info with....as I write that I realize it sounds good. But, often close to possible. This town has groups in name only. No one attends. I went to a meeting run by an agency and was the only person there. Did borrow a book to read. Get help.

Hi- I agree with all the responses so far and want to add my support. You do not sound 'ugly' but you DO sound burned out. There are strategies to help yourself and one of the first is to ask for help, to get a break. If your mother is able to get herself up to the bathroom, she certainly could be left with someone for a couple of hours so you can get OUT and do something for yourself. It isn't a luxury, it's a necessity. Ask a retired neighbor to sit with her while you take a break, or ask someone from your church or family (if you have family nearby).
And I totally agree that finding a counselor, or clergy, or someone at the local senior center to talk to can help. You don't have to be a senior yourself to get help "with" a senior. You will find support, maybe even a group. Check local assisted living places for support groups, ask at the library, or look online.
The NEXT thing is to change your attitude (this is where therapy helps) to stop letting her push your buttons. (Personally I would not recommend that you get on medications without seeing what simple therapy can do for you first.) There are a number of ways to do this and you need to have more than one method of dealing with this behavior. One way is to let the person talk (their primary need) and don't try to argue with them or persuade them that they're being (unreasonable, ungrateful, negative, etc) and let them get it out of their system while you nod and say things like 'uh-huh' and 'you're right' and 'of course' etc. Don't say it with sarcasm, tell yourself it's like steam coming out of a boiling pot- you need to let it out but you don't need to get burned. Another strategy- and you will use this when you feel you're being 'attacked' is to interrupt the person and tell them "I'm sorry but I'm not going to listen to this" and walk out of the room. If they persist, go outside, upstairs, into your car, wherever you can truly get away and remind yourself that you are doing a wonderful job caring for someone who seems not to have the ability to recognize your help and show any appreciation. When you return (after you feel less upset and ready to walk back in) be prepared to do it again to prove your point. One more thing- remind yourself occasionally that they must be feeling helpless and fearful, then remind them of how they still have strengths (able to walk, toilet and feed herself, perhaps) and that they are not alone, since you are there. Distraction is helpful for them, and they might benefit from a clergy visit or social worker (some who specialize in elders come to the house). Also, if she can walk, maybe she can go to a senior day care program. Some elders balk at first but then many start to look forward to it and make friends with the staff and others. Worth checking out.

Your mother is a pro at emotional blackmail which comes by FOG, i.e. Fear of making the person angry, feeling Obligated to keep doing what one is doing and Guilt for not ever doing enough or doing things perfect and God forbid ever thinking about having a life apart from them and their drama.

Your mother also sounds like she has a personality disorder like narcissistic who are very self-centered or borderline who are so emotionally unstable that they have no impulse control.

In the upper right hand corner of this page is a box that says Search Site. Type in narcissistic parent or borderline parent and you will find much from people who are in situations just like you.

What you have written does not sound ugly. It sounds painful and sad. I think seeing a therapist and possibly some meds would help your mental state. Please come back and let us know how you are doing. Love, prayers and hugs.

I totally sympathize with you, I've been taking care of my 91 y/o mother with Dementia for almost 3 horrid years. My siblings in mexico refuse to help so this terrible burden has fallen on my husband and my shoulders. You didn't mention how old is your mother, you didn't mention either if you have any siblings who can pitch in and help either. Does your mother has any illnesses, mental or otherwise? Can you hire someone who can come and help you or do you think your mother needs to go to a nursing home? I know first hand how terribly difficult is to have someone old and sick in your home, sometimes you just want to get out and run as fast as you can and as far as you can away from this, but obligation keeps you there. This drains you mentally, physically and also financially, it can suffocate you and give you feelings of resentment and despair. You must contact your family, brothers or sisters, her brothers or sisters, uncles, aunts, friends.....If at all possible, don't deal with this problem alone. If you are willing to keep taking care of your mother you need to take care of yourself first or else you wont have the mental and physical strength to continue with this task. Reach out to your family and hers, before it's to late.

Constant gloom and doom is very, very wearing. It takes you by surprise, actually. You think "oh well I'll just make sympathetic noises and let her have her whine" but it really can begin to give you a nervous twitch. From dawn - her first words of the day are often "colder today, isn't it" - to dusk - "sorry to be such a nuisance" - if there's something miserable to dwell on she'll find it.

And I'm afraid that all I can do is sympathise. I've tried irony, I've tried joviality, I've tried honey, I've tried vinegar, I've tried tearing my hair out… In the end, I don't know, what can we do except remember that if we think we've got problems how must they feel? I'm sorry, I know that's very limited consolation.