Mom wants sympathy all the time. How to ignore when nothing is wrong?

I would say that rather than sympathy, empathy may be better. Sympathy involves becoming unhealthily enmeshed in a pity party and then could encourage your mom to try that much harder to get sympathy from you and put you on a guilt trip. It then becomes a vicious circle with you becoming more enmeshed in your mom's pity party and feeling guilty if you don't. Sympathy also implies that you know exactly what your mom is going through, which she's trying to hook you into by saying she wants you to suffer in the same way she is. Empathy, on the other hand, is an acknowledgment of someone's plight without saying that "I feel sorry for you and know what you're going through". Given that you're not your mom's age, you can't possibly know what she's experiencing in old age. So, you can acknowledge her feelings and the fact that she's likely grieving the loss of some of her independence and ability to do things that she used to be able to do and took for granted that she could do. I don't know the exact words you should use to acknowledge, but those words shouldn't communicate pity or even "I know what you're going through" since you really don't. Part of your acknowledgement is that you see your mom's difficulties (mobility, poor eyesight, or whatever) and wish that she didn't have to go through/experience/struggle with some of those things. And some of it is empowering her to make the most of the days remaining to her and to be responsible for her own happiness. The elderly tend to look backward at their lives and regret all of the things they didn't do or took for granted that they no longer can do. Encourage/empower your mom to look forward, rather than backward. She probably has a degree of depression and hopelessness, as well. So, as Babalou suggested, find either an adult day care program or some senior programs at your town's local senior center and encourage your mom to go. You may have to attend with her the first couple of times or having a home health aide accompany her. Once your mom starts participating in activities and meeting people, she may feel less isolated and less focused on herself and her ailments. Some adult day care programs may even have off-site outings for those who are somewhat mobile. I suggest checking into programs in your area.

chickengranny: Can you get a few hours to yourself? Maybe that can help. Also, don't respond to her negative outbursts. Remain silent. I know that's hard to do. I just had the caregiving duty for half a year for my Mom out of state and it was no "walk in the park."

Caregiving is like raising children - the hardest job in the world. Perhaps you are talented in many other ways, but caregiving is not suited to you. Get some help for your depression and try to get help with taking care of your mother.

Hi Again- Wow, that last one from Booschmoop sounds like a doozy. Can you maybe ship her off to a respite stay somewhere? Also, the diaper thing- that's ridiculous, if she really isn't incontinent. Can't she go sit on a commode? And give her a reward for "going" on it (only half kidding). Whine 'here' any time.

You all are fantastic people! I know I will take all advice and see what I can come up with, my mother is. 79 she had a pace maker...heart doing great...diabetic...sugar on the money, she can do for her self to a certain level, but the guilt she is the master of the word, I am thinking I need to talk to someone and my heart goes out to each and everyone of you, I hate to say this but I am glad I am not in this boat alone, your invite helps me so much. Thanks very much

@Momcare8223 I guess I was venting a bit but she can be infuriating :-) We can put her on the bedside commode but she won't do anything unless she wants to. She's stubborn that way. She came back from a stay in rehab that way. She wore Depends before that but just in case she had an accident. Now she says "that's what they're for aren't they?" lol Respite around here is so expensive for someone who can't walk on their own and needs toilet help it's just not feasible for us right now. The senior activity center can't take her at all for the same reason. Oh well it is what it is. I keep telling my husband it could be worse and probably will be before long. I'm trying to remember to just do this one day at a time and not expect too much out of her.

Hi Booschmoop, we all need to vent. I've just discovered this site and have been coming on and off all weekend. It's great. Yes, it can get 'worse' but think of it this way: if one thing gets 'worse' then something else is going to get easier. For example, my Mom's now bedridden and well into dementia, but she barely ever complains about anything because she's sleeping so much. Also, once she became totally incontinent, we went from Depends to the briefs/diapers, and we didn't have to try to haul her into the bathroom or help her get on the commode anymore (both much more strenuous than dealing with 'briefs' right on the bed). Plus, she used to complain if she got the same food 2 days in a row, now she doesn't remember what she had yesterday (or even the previous meal). She just eats whatever we give her (which is scaled down to her favorite soft/nutritious foods). So, things evolve, some stuff becoming tougher as other stuff eases up.

I have the same story as beekeeper. My mother whines and tells people in her retirement home that she is in prison. She and her dog.
She doesn't talk of me taking her in, but asks me if I think a cousin of mine would "for her check". My cousin is 69 and I am 70 so neither of us feel able.
Mom has asked me if I will take her "when her money runs out". In a few years, I'm thinking, and she will, but I won't. I could not live with her!! She has dementia/ ALZ. Maybe she won't be as insistant then. but I have a husband and I feel I'm giving her all I can. Both physically and financially. There is always a long story behind our long stories, it seems.
I would never have thought I could be strong enough to not take her in.
(she will never forgive me, I'm sure.)
I need to make a note to call her dentist in the A.M. She's had a toothache for a week, but hasn't mentioned it but a couple times so I thought it went away. She has been known to let this type of thing go on for days before getting help. Even before the dementia. It seems like she does it for sympathy.
I SOO appreciate this site.

You know, I don't think I've ever seen a post with 15 helpful answer marks on it before. Its a good one. Yeah, give some tea and sympathy without her having to complain and be in Debbie Downer mode to get it, when you can. But only when you can. Match wits with her maybe - try complaining to her about how depressing it is to listen to some lady who complains all the time. She'll tell you you should stop listening and pay more attention to her instead, and then you tell her that the lady is her. Start calling her Debbie Downer. Well, that may be rotten advice, my mom did not really have the kind of sense of humor that would have worked on. But as much as you would lie to let it all roll off your back, being around it 24/7 does tend to eat away at the spirit.

I get up and stroll away, I know her woe is me stuff is all for show. I tell her I'm going out for a smoke. She hates smoking and won't follow me. Then I breathe in the fresh air, look at the trees, say hello to the other residents. They are grateful for ANY hello they get. The people who work there are saints in my book, they have mom X 80 every day. They can't accept tips. So we wrote a nice check to the resident council, because they have a Christmas fund for the employees.

My mom recently started wanting sympathy all the time, too. Also, I have been getting blamed when she doesn't feel well. It's all part of what's happening to her and I will gladly tolerate all her wants and complaining for another day with her. Something to think about. Possibly soon, I'm going to miss all her demands.

My mom doesn't complain too much or guilt trip me, but she does seem to have an incredibly low tolerance for pain. I tend to just keep going with my aches & pains, she thinks it needs doctor visits. She does give the line, "Just you wait until you get to be my age" to which I reply "it would be an honor to get to be your age" (90-plus). I remind her most people don't make it to 90...

Wow, another sleepless night...and this is what I find. Thank you for asking this question. I have been away from A/C for a long time, but I saw your question and had to check in. I love everyone's advice. I was raised in this type of environment, got away from it, found out it wasn't normal, but after 8 years of being back into it I feel like it sucked me into a deep dark hole. I have dreaded getting out of bed. I kind of feel ignorant in admitting I couldn't see what was wrong with this picture until I read the responses to your question. It just seemed like normal behavior, my whole family does this crap to one another. I have become one of them. I think it stems from my work-alcoholic father. The only way you could catch a break from some type of work, was if you were sick. I definitely need therapy. I feel like something has been lifted from me tonight, and now I may be able to sleep. Well maybe, it's 3:00 am and I just got called to help her to the bathroom again. We just went an hour ago. We have a Dr's appt in the morning at 11:30. Wonder how much sleep I will get before we go. I have decided I will start sleeping whenever I feel I can, and not worry what time of day it is. I am definitely going to be taking all this great advice and putting it to work for me. Thank-you again.

Put a commode next to your mother's bed so she doesn't have to wake you.

Hi Vivian- It sounds like you have had a re-awakening about the way your family has interacted. Being back in this situation has caused you to slip back into the old ways that were 'the norm' for your family. I'm glad to hear that you're recognizing that there IS another way of interacting and refusing to accept the guilt. Even when you're caring for a sick elder, it doesn't throw the rules of engagement out the window. Consider getting a counselor for yourself to help you put the matter into perspective. We can 'give advice' here, but a counselor can get your whole story and really focus on what you can do in your specific situation, what's realistic, help you figure things out. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

I made a promise to my self when I was younger...I will not raise my daughter the way my mother raised me. (I know better) I will not be a burden on my daughter, I will not put guilt trips on my daughter, I will not be demanding, and I will care for my self, if I get where I am not able, I will put my self in a nursing home. Yes I am old enough to say these things.

That sounds so hard. My mother who for most of her life was upbeat and not depressed became depressive and negative over the past 11 or so years. We finally realized it is part of dementia. She has Lewy Body dementia. You don't mention dementia, so not sure if you have considered this. My mom also gets very agitated at my kids, which is also part of it. Since we got her seen by geriatrician, she has been taking an anti-depressant which helps some. However, it doesn't take it all away. She will embellish stories about how she was up all night, or the kids made so much noise, or whatever. That is her reality. It doesn't help for me to argue w her about it, but it can be difficult for me when she is "complaining" about my kids, it feels like a value judgment and so unfair. Probably your mom cannot help it. That is what I have to remember w my mom. Change the subject. Get her checked out for dementia and if applicable, get treatment for symptoms--it can really help, get a support group for specific illness -- there are many on-line as well as some in-person in larger communities. As others have said, get some help watching your mom. Stress on caregiver is extremely important to address. With dementia, my mom cannot control all that she says and feels--it is not about her "will" or ability to think differently. So I have to relax with my response (if I can.) Good luck.

What I have learned when dealing with my mom who is JUST LIKE ALL OF YOURS, is to focus on my life. My joy. My love for life. My positive attitude. My family. My goals and dreams. NOT my narcistic negative sad and lonely mom. This makes her mad. But that is OK. It's not about her. It's her journey that she has chosen and I will let her. There are consequences to being bitter, angry, lonely, self-absorbed, negative, etc. She is suffering the consequences and it is what it is. I ignor her, empathize with her, but DO NOT ENABLE her to try to put me in HER place and become like her. Only God can change her hard bitter heart. Only He can help her see her negativity and help her change. It is out of my hands. I pray for her. I am there for her. I will empathize with her. But I do not live my life for her. She is not the center of my universe that she would like to be. I do not focus my whole life around her. THAT is never God's plan for any of us caring for our elderly parents. We are to honor them, but that does not mean sacrificing our lives and health to care for them. Especially when they ARE able to help themselves more but choose not to. For whatever reason. That is their choice. I pray for wisdom and discernment. I pray for courage and I pray for strength to maintain sanity and health in the midst of her unhealthiness. I let go of guilt she trys to put on me. I don't feel quilty because I know I have done everything I can to help her. I am at peace and rest in this journey she has us on. For however long she lives. She will not leave this life peacefully. Just like her life has been all her life. Resisting and fighting and angry and bitter. She didn't become this way just because she got older and has health issues that created a life of pain and inabilities. Mom has been this way her whole life. They say however you are younger is amplified as you get older. We as caregivers have kind caring hearts. We HAVE to protect ourselves from getting totally sucked in and drowning. If they are at home we can hire outside help, access resources that are free to help get relief, and allow them time alone to do it more themselves. Or put them in a home if it is destroying us. We should never allow anyone that right to destroy us. It becomes OUR problem when we do.

Being a caregiver is not always easy. I find as our parents age, their world gets smaller so close family hears about it all. Take you mom to the local senior center, she may enjoy talking with other seniors and they have a full schedule of activities and she can eat a noon meal there. I hear seniors talking at our senior center and they all complain to each other, it's an outlet for them. I know it can be difficult, but let her ramble on-you won't have her forever, but introduce new topics to discuss in between her complaints, a tv show, how growing up then is different from now, flowers or anything she may have an interest or opinion in. Good luck.

I do think mom has or is getting some memory loss, and as far as anyone helping, well our family is very small, the 2granddaughters have their own struggles to deal with and raising their girls isn't easy, I have never been mean spoken, or argued with my mother, I do what ever she wants and if I slip and say something she don't like she pouts and that makes me feel like a worthless piece of trash, I have asked her if she would like to get out and go to senior center,etc. she refuses! I do all I can for her with working a job, caring for her and coming home to care for husband, who isn't well, but I guess all of this is my choice and I have to learn to deal with it but when and how? No time for me, don't want to sound selfish

chickengranny, no parent should make their child, little or adult, feel like a worthless piece of trash! That is horrible! You don't sound selfish. You sound like your self-esteem is extremely low. You are a valuable person and you deserve some time for yourself just like everyone else does.

I would agree with her, play the game. no offense but my mom cant walk, see, or talk, and I envy that your Mom can. Ask her how she got so smart!!! She'll love it, she wants attention, just give it to her and relax.

Hi- I had to reply to the 'worthless piece of trash' comment with a quote I always remember (don't know who said it, maybe Eleanor Roosevelt?) and it is something like this: "No one can make you feel worthless/bad about yourself without your permission." So, tell yourself you are NOT worthless, and believe yourself. Don't LET her (or anyone) make you feel that way.

"Mom, I know you have great pain, don't sleep well, and it is very difficult, what can we do today to make it a good day?"

I can definitely relate. My mother however, is only 50 years old. Her mom had Alzheimer's disease (very tragic), and she has long since convinced herself that she has it too. Everyday she tells me she can't remember anything, and that her mind is blank, and she is scared to be alone. Well I'm here to tell you I have tried EVERYTHING in my power so far, with the exception of nursing home care - too young to be admitted. I have tried other places like assisted living. Mother gets miserable and begs and demands to go back home. Now that she is home, she is lonely and pitiful. I've bent over backwards for her countless times, and she's still out to make me feel like I'm not good enough, and I don't matter to her. Maybe she despises me?

I also have a full-time job with no privacy for phone calls. I've explained this to her multiple times, but she doesn't care. I get at least 20 calls a day, add to that the non-stop texts and voicemails. All she does is complain and ask me the same questions every time. She's already pushed her boyfriend to cut ties and change his phone number. It's sickening to see, but I cannot stop it.
She is the definition of co-dependent, and pessimistic.

I'm so exhausted from four years on the rollercoaster of sadness, guilt, hope deferred, anger, more guilt, disappointment, resentment, etc.
What an awful feeling; I have serious headaches and trouble staying focused and happy in my own life. But hey, I'm the oldest daughter of two, and everyone is quick to remind me that I am the one responsible for her.

She's proved to me time and again that there is nothing I can do to make her life better, and refuses to take my advice on getting a job, exercising, socializing...
It seems to me like a sick role reversal where the mother becomes the (stubborn) child. She has pushed all the limits.

My mom also asks me, "what if this happened to you?" and, "I wish you would have gotten this [sick], instead of me."
Gee, thanks mom. love you too.

*sigh* Everyone deserves happiness and peace of mind.
I feel better when I can remind myself of that. One day at a time :)
(I've actually silenced her calls for a day, so I can have a little breathing room)

The best gift you can give to those who love you is to take care of yourself.

At the end of the day, I'm sure there are reasons a parent's situation is what it is, but we as adult children are not to blame for their actions and decisions.
Life is what you make it, and it is short enough.. so live it! (pardon the clichés)

Best wishes to you.

Gimme, your mom is 50? Is she working why ailments aside from depression have been diagnosed? And who is treating her depression?

Gimmeabreak my heart goes out to you bless your heart with your mom being only 50 it sounds like you have a long row to hoe. I understand how you feel and I know to tell some one to do something about it is easier said than done. I. Am sorry I have no suggestions cause I feel the same way, and I don't know what to either,but there are people here that has some wonderful insite, it helps me to get feed back so I can try and figure things out and we are not alone and people really do understand.

gimmeabreak, it sounds like your mother needs some genetic testing. Early-onset Alzheimer's has genetic markers. If she does not have the genes for it, she is not likely at risk. A genetic test should tell if her fears are justified or if she is worrying herself sick. See about getting her tested. It would be great if she didn't have the markers. Then she could live life normally and you would know the truth.

What you said about your mother wishing you could be in her place made me think of something my mother said to my brother's children and me. She said she hoped we never lived to 86 and had to go through what she is. I said, "You mean you want us to die?" That got a laugh from everyone and lightened the conversation. Maybe a little levity would work with your mother. She can see the implications of what she is saying without being fussed at.

There's nothing wrong with setting firm limits on what you'll allow your mother to do. She sounds like she is trying to hoover all the happiness from your life. People do not have a right to do this even if they are ill. In your shoes I would stop answering the phone but at certain times and limit my visits. Having someone calling every few minutes would drive me batty. I hope you can convince her to give you the best Christmas present -- a bit of peace in your life.

Gimmeabreak, is your mother taking meds for her depression? Has she been declared totally disabled because of her depression by social security disability insurance? If not, then she can work and live somewhere other than in your house. It is your house, anyway and that gives you some leverage. It sounds to me like your mother's problem is learned helplessness.

Who on earth came up with the brilliant idea that the oldest in the family is the one responsible for taking care of a parent? That comment is your sibling's cop out.

If your mother is not totally disabled, then she does not need your care or anyone else's.

Who paid for your mother to stay in assisted living? I hope she did and not you. She also sounds too young for assisted living. What have the doctors said about her physical and mental health? She might, just might be stuck in an unhealthy rut in grieving the loss of her mother. I have heard of women your mother's age who give up on life and go live with someone after a parent or a spouse dies and they stay there although there is nothing wrong with them.

I wish you the best in dealing with this.

Babalou, she's been through many doctors, hospitals, and has been through all the appropriate testing which ruled out dementia and such. Most health care professionals will admit they are stumped, cant figure her out. The ones who do bother to pin a diagnosis to her say that it is PTSD, general anxiety disorder, bipolar, psychosis, so on and so forth.... She's also been prescribed an ungodly list of medications that were started, stopped, mixed, eliminated, too soon to know if they work.

Yes, chickengranny, LONG way to go and running out of solutions.

cmagnum, she is declared disabled. But yes, you are very right - learned helplessness, relies on me for everything. Lost her job years ago, and never bothered to get back to a normal life, doesn't even drive anymore. Way too young for that in my opinion. It's my duty to get her life back in order for her.
People in the family , and friends of, are always reminding me that's my mom and I need to do right by her, etc etc.
It really is an unhealthy rut for sure, not willing to better the situation for anyone's sake.

Jessie you're right too. Easier to deal with when you can have a laugh. I tend to lose my temper and walk away because she pushes my buttons.

I appreciate you all that have replied in response to my post. Great support when it seems that no one understands me. Thank you