Mom wants me to buy her things that I can’t afford. What can I do?

Hanginon, my heart goes out to you. We had a friend last year that chose to leave her cancer untreated, what I saw was a group of doctors wash their hands of her, if they can not do what they think is best, they do nothing. I pray your mom has better care then that.
One thing that happened when our friend was getting close to the end was multiple calls 24/7. She was scared to sleep, so on top of the cancer eating her alive she dealt with sleep deprivation, which led to a kind of psychosis, not easy to deal with at all. She became convinced that her mom (24/7 live in caregiver) was trying to kill her. For 7 weeks she wanted my husband by her bedside, she felt he would protect her, obviously he could not stay 24 hours a day, she wouldn't let him sleep either. So the phone calls. My point is that cancer is a brutal nasty disease and it literally eats the host body alive, so prepare yourself for the bizarre heart breaking journey. Please find a group near you and force yourself to go get the support you need. Take a walk even if you feel to exhausted, make yourself do it, you will feel so much better after a week or so of forcing yourself. The body releases stress relieving hormones when we exercise, look at the sky, flowers, animals, whatever helps you smile and be right in that moment. You are a loving, caring daughter and your mom is blessed to have you to travel this journey with. Stop beating yourself up over what you can't do and start seeing what you do and know that giving of your self is more precious than anything money can buy and give yourself credit for that. It is okay to not go every day, sometimes we need a break from it. Someone who has not walked in your shoes will never understand all it costs to be the one that is there till the very end. Please start taking care of you, your fury kids need you.

I wanted to say also that i would be surprised if your mom could find housing as cheap as what she pays now. Do you take advantage of the local food bank, food closets, etc. There are many ways to receive food aid in this country you just have to look.

God Bless You and your Mom on this path she has chosen for her last wishes and may He give you strength and peace.

My mom seemed to have Alz/Dementia on some level after dad passed away but she's better now. It made me laugh a little when I saw this question about the mom wanting fast food. I take a hamburger/fries/DP to my mom nearly every day for lunch from the same restaurant because that's what she wants to eat! I can't understand wanting to eat the same thing every day and especially from this particular restaurant but mom looks forward to it daily! I pick up groceries for her for days I just can't make it over and she never complains about food. I hope I can make the last years of her life happy and if a burger does that, so be it. In the past, I paid for her fast food but now I keep the receipts and make a bill up for her at the end of the month. She & dad worked hard and saved very carefully so it's nice she has the money to afford a daily burger. I was thinking perhaps you could reach out to neighbors or community or church to let them know your mom could use a little help. There are lots of wealthy people that gladly help those who have less, they just need to know who & how to help. If your mom was close to me in distance I'd be glad to drop her some burgers off occasionally. Best of luck.

I added up your mother's expenses and what she gets every month and she has only $5 at the end of the month. Have a talk with her and tell her that she can't afford her house anymore at the current rates. You could see if she would be able to get her gas, water and what not lowered or a cheaper plan. It would free up some money. Or if it's not possible, it's time to sell the house.

The calls certainly could be anxiety, I get them (anxiety calls) from my mom sometimes too but it sounds like there may be some short term memory or confusion issues going on here perhaps too. Sounds like your mom has a lot of medical stuff going on with cancer in a few places going untreated. If indeed she has brain cancer as well I would think this might play a part in her constant calling too. Sounds like her world has become small and her human contact so limited that you are her contact with the outside world for the most part. It makes sense that being so dependent on you that she would reach out to you when she is anxious or just in need of touching with reality maybe. I'm not sure there is a fix for this other than having a caregiver but perhaps some anxiety meds or at least a visit/talk with the doctor about it for suggestions would help. If indeed she is that anxious it's an awful feeling and her quality of life will be much better if it's treated too. She might be close to qualifying for Hospice too if she is that riddled with cancer, that would give her more care I think. Have you explored moving in with her or having her move in with you? There may be other barriers there and it may be better that doesn't happen, if that's the case no judgment here, it is not always a good answer but if it is a consideration it might help a lot of the barriers you describe above. I'm hearing that you can't bring yourself to putting her in a NH after she begged you not to ever do that and I fully understand so I think you are going to have to consider combining households at some point anyway. It's too bad there isn't anyone from her life who lives in or has had a good NH experience to try and bring her around, she's right some are holes but others are great. You however need to get a hold of your life and guilt/emotions for her as well as for you and I can tell you that sometimes living with and caring for a parent at the end of life is wonderful for the relationship and a blessing for the caretaker after the parent is gone.

If you will make a list of the things she requests
Then sort them by priority : #1 is a necessity, #2 is needful, #3 would be nice, #4 if there is nothing else she needs and you have extra, and #5 when I win the lottery.
Take the list with you so you can get it if you have the funds.
If you do have the funds for priority # 1 get that. If you don't, then
talk to her about not having the funds and can she give you the
money for it and try to work out a plan for that.
If you do have the funds for priority # 2 get it. If not, then don't.
Same for # 3, 4, & 5. If she asks, explain it is on the list and you
will get it whenever you can afford it.

The answer is always "yes, as soon as I can afford it."

Is incessant phone calling a symptom of anxiety?
My mom has been calling me most days up to 15-25 times a day & even though I have her number blocked (was told by her doctor to do that or I would go insane) & check my voice mail periodically, how can I get her STOP??
I had given her a cell phone a few years ago but had to take it back because she of all the calls she was making but she still has her landline & she uses that to call me.
What else can I do to get her to stop this??
She calls day, night, early morning, late at night, when I’m working, sleeping..it’s just too much..please help.

I didn't know one could change his/her name here, as Dighby10512 now appears as Coach7.

Evil

Dighby is a troll here. Pay him no mind.  When I see his name, I just skip that post. Why waste time on garbage.

Dighby10512--I think everyone understands your point of view, so it's probably time to "give it a rest". Maybe if we all could walk in Hangingon61's shoes we could appreciate her situation better and provide helpful advice. However, let's all just hope that 2018 gives us the wisdom to help us find better solutions to problems we can't seem to resolve satisfactorily right. now.

It just keeps getting worse. I think most of the commenters here sound like you're saying you'd let your mother starve to death or slip on the ice. You people are like little devils. Horrible. Your own mother. She's too old to lift a bag of salt. Probably can't drive to the store to get Windex. Just wants somebody to talk to. Instead of doing that little bit, you go on your computers to complain about how your mother asks you for a hamburger. Evil. If you can afford a computer and internet service, you can salt her porch. And you attack ME for telling you what you should already know.

I right now feel blessed. My Mom saved Dads life insurance putting it in CDs. That money helped with her eventual care. I am one of 3. I and my husband are retired. Do OK because he was a saver. But that money is for our future so my girls won't be burdened. I kept track of everything I used Moms money for. I also reinbursed myself. I felt as long as she had it, she could pay for her necessities. When the time came she couldn't, then I and my brothers could pick up the tab. This didn't happen. Now when she lived with us, we paid for her dinners out. She wanted to treat, so if there was money left out of her spending money, I would use this for the "treat". My Mom was still keeping up a house so most of her money went there. The best thing she could have done for us when Dad died was to sell her house. She could have gotten a nice apartment with her income. Proceeds of the house could have been put in an annuity and she could have drawn from that. My MIL cried that her pump was broke. Surprised me DH didn't offer her the money but we knew she had CDs. BIL gave her the money. When she passed it was found she had $47k in the bank. She would cry poor then we'd find out she spent money on video clubs and never watched them. Same with cassetts and later CDs and DVDs. Magazines!! A whole closet full up to the shelf. Readers digest. Do u realize the cost monthly to belong to these clubs. And those nick nacks u see in magazines. You get one everyother month but pay $20 a month. Do u know how to stop them? Don't open the box and put return to sender. They will stop ur membership and credit you.

So what I am saying is sometimes parents can afford they just have to change their spending habits. Just like most of us who find the cost of living goes up and up but our SS and pensions don't. I pray that we as parents make choices that will help their children not put more responsibility on their shoulders. We r living in a different world than our parents did. It takes two salaries to pay the bills now and I think it will be worse for our children. I plan on downsizing. If my husband passes, its a deffinate. That way all my kids have to worry about is cleaning out an apartment.

Hangingon61: You're not alone. Many of us are in similar boats bailing as fast as we can to stay afloat right beside you. {hug}

Sometimes as people age, their world shrinks, and they only see a tiny speck of the picture and their requests are based upon their perception of their world. We do not need to take offense nor feel
guilty if we cannot provide what they request. So many of us are
juggling so many balls in the air, we just have to prioritize requests.
If we set levels A, B, C, etc then assign requests to the level. I have to write things down so I don't forget. Then do as I can. Of course
take out would go down on the list at D or lower. It IS on the list, but if there is ever money or time to do it is questionable. That way
it is acknowledged as a request, but you are not under commitment to do it now. I hope that helps.

Oh dear, I understand her fears of change and her desire to die where she feels safest, but it's a catch 22 isn't it, being so frail and ill at home is fuelling her anxiety because she is alone and there is no way she is able to be cared for adequately. My mom live as a recluse for 15 years because she lost her eyesight and couldn't go out on her own, but she felt safe in her familiar home. We made the steps from me moving in with her, to her moving in with me, and finally to the nursing home. Mom doesn't talk anymore, but a few days ago when we visited the AL side of her home she nodded her head in agreement that she should have made a change sooner, that it was too bad that we had allowed fear of change to override what would have been positive for her.

Your poor mom will need to give up her pseudo independence and will in all likelihood have to suffer the indignities of total personal care as her body fails whether she is in a facility or is at home. Don't let fear of the unknown be the thing that keeps you and her from reaching out for help or starting the process to find and pay for an appropriate facility. Even with Hospice there is not around the clock care in the home. In a facility there will be shifts of caregivers 24/7, she will never be alone and the horrible burden of caring for her at end of life will not be solely on your shoulders.

Based on your temperament & narcissistic attitude I can just imagine the hell you will put your children thru (if you have any, maybe you don’t in that case blessed be!) dighby or whatever the heck your name is.
Anyway, most of you are correct in your assessing my financial inability to help my mom more.
I am single, no children, but have animals (that I consider my “fur kids”), I have no siblings.
A few cousins who live out of state but they have their own responsibilities caring for their mom (my great aunt) who is in hospice.
I don’t drink, smoke or do any drugs.
My only vice is food.
I use food as a “narcotic” to numb my feelings of inadequacy in terms of being able to help my mom more (both financially & emotionally) so I have put on a lot of weight because all I do is work, go and see my mom every day, come home, eat & go to bed.
I have no social life because all this has caused me what I call a “low grade depression “.
Not enough to totally incapacitate me from work, responsibilities, etc but just enough to make me not want to be around people & socialize.
I have no time and/or energy, desire, whatever you may call it to do anything pleasurable.
My mom has always bailed me out growing up as a child & young adult & I am forever grateful & appreciative to have her as my mother, however since her illness has taken hold she has become a very lonely, scared & needy person who is requiring much more then I am capable of giving her.
And that realization has me feeling very sad, helpless really to change anything & very, very tired.
All I want to do is sleep.
Sleep curled up in my bed w/my fur babies around me.
My mom doesn’t smoke, drink or any of that.
She’s never been “sociable” w/friends or neighbors even when my dad was alive.
The 2 of them pretty much avoided friends because they were secretive.
I know why my dad was, & my mom became the same way after she married my dad.
My mom doesn’t receive any food stamps but I’ve applied recently for her to get her some so hopefully that will happen.
She has breast, lung & possible brain cancers, asthma, spinal issues, chronic dizziness, she’s very unstable when she walks even w/her walker she has fallen x2 in the last year.
She has horrible anxiety and often will call me up to 30 times a day, some calls are within minutes of eachother.
I was advised by one of the ER doctors to block her number, & periodically check my messages as often as I’m comfortable with so I that’s what I do, I check my voice messages every couple hours or so & sure enough there’s a succession of calls, minutes apart then I know it’s gonna be bad when I start listening to what my mom says..
She is choosing not to receive any treatment for the cancer because her mom (my grandmother) died of breast cancer and she did everything the doctors advised her to do, surgery, chemo, radiation & it made her horribly sick & she suffered greatly.
My mom was her sole caregiver & after seeing how sick her mom was, vowed never to have those same treatments if she should one day get cancer.
She won’t leave her house to go to assisted living because those places scare her.
She once said “promise me you’ll never put me in a nursing home”.
“Those places are Hell holes”.
“People go there to die”.
She wants to die in her own home.
Medicaid only allows her 20 hours a week for a caregiver, which at this point is not enough.
Because the 4 hours a day, Mon - Fri that the cg is there is good but my mom is alone for the remaining 20 hours & all day/night on the weekends.
I’m only able to see her once a day for a few hours then I have to work & some times I can’t go every day because I’m so damn exhausted, I have to go the next day, then I feel like crap for not being able to see her the day before.
My dad actually died while he was in a nursing home.
He had 3rd degree burns he suffered because he was set in fire.
We never learned how it happened.
The attorney we had representing my mom turned out to be a substance abuser & missed 2 court dates that resulted in our case against the nursing home being dismissed.
My mom gets $755 a month as income from S.S & SSI.
She pays her property taxes ($180 a month), homeowners insurance ($185 a month), her phone ($40),cable ($40), electric ($100), gas ($87) & water ($120).
Doesn’t leave her much at the end of the month.

WOW!! I just like to read questions and answers. I am a caregiver of my own parents this job is no piece of cake! We need support and answers, not drama.

dighby - go find a hole and hide in it.

This forum is for offering support and advice.

Advising, NAY DEMANDING that someone pay for things they cannot afford is NOT supportive or good advice. There is a HUGE difference between denying something and not having funds to pay for it.

Lambasting EVERYONE and name calling is NOT supportive at all. It is very disrespectful.

You are taking your own hate of your own family out on others. As I suggested before, go find a hatedotcom site and spew away. We do NOT need your kind of "support" or "advice" here.

It's so true, Lassie. It can be a choice between $3 for a bag of salt or $3 being the bus fare to and from work in one day. $3 might ALREADY BE the choice between the bus and a small bag of rice that would feed that same person for 3 days. Some hardworking people ARE in those situations, even in our wealthy, western countries.

Poor Dighyby, indeed!  Another diatribe, poor thing..... I have a friend who gets a small amount of food stamps a month, and there is SO MUCH she can't buy with them. I try to help her out....just saying, what is a few extra items for us, people living on the edge are SUFFERING. My friend has to beg friends to let her use their washing machines. She has to count up her change every day to use to buy $5 of gas a week. I don't know if most of you know how close to the edge the working poor can BE. She works and works and no job will give her full time hours or benefits.  She wants desperately to work.  I leave a $20 bill in her home before I leave when I visit because, taking cans and bottles back to buy a can of beans a package of noodles is what we here in 'Murica have deemed acceptable.....It will get worse. It will get MUCH WORSE. Be prepared, 'Murica.  It will happen to your friends, relatives, and YOU.

Poor Dighby. Who hurt you, sweetie?

This thread is evil. You people are horrible. The original post said the mother was asking for "fast food, cleaning supplies, salt for the front porch" and yet the poster was bothered by the request. And you are all agreeing and backing the poster up? It is unimaginable for me to deny my own mother, the one who gave birth to me and raised me, and devoted her whole life to me, these simple things. Unbelievable. A hamburger, a bottle of Pine Sol, and a 3 dollar bag of salt, and you say no????????

The selfishness and ingratitude demonstrated here is UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Does your mom have the money to buy these things and just bring them to her or is she asking you to pay for them?

If she has the money, I would ask her to put you on her bank account so you can have a debit card to make her purchases.

If she does not have the money, she should not expect you to pay for these things out of your own pocket. You have set a precedent by continuing to pay for her every whim. Stop doing that since it is obvious you can’t afford it.

You need to learn that it’s ok to say “no” to your parent.

DO NOT SPEND YOUR OWN FUNDS ON YOUR MOTHER. MANY A PROFESSIONAL TOLD ME THAT.

Please, let us all remember that this is a site to help answer the needs of others who are experiencing a horrible event in their life and may not have any other place to turn for help/discussion.

We need to ignore those who have used this request for help to vent their issues without the thought or consideration of the person in need.

We also need to, although it is very difficult not to do this, try our best to not vent our frustrations regarding the person(s) who has created the situation of self imposed need rather than thinking about the person who has requested help by having arguments between each other.

This back/forth does not help but places more stress on the person who has asked for help.

Thank you for allowing me to vent regarding the venting☺

Lassie - If you don't like Trump, and I am sure many don't , you still should wait and see if he actually cuts off services before you accuse him of those things. Don't spread rumors and fear of things that might not happen. No need to get political here. We want to support one another regardless of whom we voted for.
I know for fact that Trump donated (past tense),all his first year salary to a non profit. To me, that is a decent generous person. Don't hate people just because they are luckier, or wealthier.

Digby10512; I am sorry for you that you are so stressed you need to vent as you do. Caregiving is hard enough without climbing all over someone who is doing the best they can with no money.

Hangingon61, as most people have said, If she is In her right mind, just say "no". If she has dementia tell her you will get it the next time you go shopping or something else.

I remember one time my mother, who was in her right mind, was mad because she had a hard time getting in and out of my car. She told me to get one she could get in and out of easier. I just flat out told her "This car is paid for, it is all I can afford and you should be grateful I even have it and pick you up in it". I said it in a calm tone of voice, no need to yell.

My dad used to lie to her about how much things cost because he didn't want her to bitch about cost. She never worked outside the home. When he died it was a HUGE wake up call for her. She was yelling about how much a motel cost. With, "Well, I am not going to stay in something that cost that much money! Jake always found cheaper hotels." I just told her, Dad lied to you because he didn't want to hear you bitch.

I handled it a little different than most. caring for both parents and my husband, I had my hands full day and night. my mother would constantly hand me a list a mile long to pick up almost every day. I would read the list and tell her that I would get it when I went out to store. even though I went shopping I never picked up the items but by the time I got back and went into her room she never mentioned the list or items to me. I would pick up something special that she liked and she was so excited that she forgot about the list.

Hanginon,
My Mother would see those magazines,Tabloids at the grocery store check out and always want me to buy her 3 or 4.At $4.99 and up,there ws no way I could afford that and it was just a whim anyway but when Mother truly needed something I did my best to get it for her.All you can do is the best you can.Take care~

Discuss with the caregiver who comes to the house.

Provide a very large bucket of eco friendly pellets for the snow. Have the caregiver place in an area where your Mom will not be able to access.

Try to add about 10 minutes to your morning work travel time. If there is snow in forecast, spread the pellets and tell her that's the best you can do for her that day; then stop by on way home to check on the melt pellets.

Again, talk with caregiver about how the day went for her.

When she asks for fast food, tell her that her Dr has told you that there is way too much sodium in fast food and he does not her to have it because the sodium is too hard on her heart and blood vessels. You're not going to buy it for her.

As for your working and making money....remind her about how much she receives for SS. Give her a comparison of what you 'make' and what you have 'left' after bills, groceries, gas, caregiver etc. Make sure the $$ amount comes basically to what she receives.

YES, LIE TO HER!!🤔

As long as she knows she is able to control you by making you feel guilty she will keep doing the guilt trip.

Check the caregiver's daily diary too. If this person is working for a certified caregiving company, they must keep a diary at the house for review. They must log everything they did or issues they had with the person.

Read it back to Mom and make her feel like she is in time out. It's your turn now to be the parent.

Hope this helps. Merge your way into this role. Good luck.