Mom wants me to be her caregiver at home, wealthy alcoholic brother wants complete control and to put her in assisted living. - AgingCare.com

Mom wants me to be her caregiver at home, wealthy alcoholic brother wants complete control and to put her in assisted living.

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My mother was diagnosed with dementia a few years ago and is getting worse. My sister and I volunteered and she asked last year, if and when necessary to come and stay with her. We both live thousands of miles away, while my wealthy alcoholic out of control brother lives in the same state. (He hasn't even visited her in 3 years, while I have come and gone 5 times in 2 years and he is in total denial regarding her diagnosis, saying she'll get better...) Granted he has provided her with a beautiful home and with his capacity, it is not a hardship, surely he sees the home as an investment property, as he has many throughout the state. His alcohol abuse turns up the fire on his absolute need to power and control everyone, everywhere. Recently our mother fell, hurting herself and was placed in a rehab hospital for 2 months and at her request, I came to care for her dog while she was in rehab. As she did not want him to go to my brother's veterinarian clinic, she wanted her dog to stay home. In order to do so, I had to bring my own therapy dog at my expense. I love my mother and am grateful to be with her and have spent almost everyday with her for the 5 1/2 weeks she remained in rehab.The social worker at the facility informed me, in order to release her, the family had to come to an agreement about who was going to be taking her home and caring for her. I asked him at that time for a mediator, for we are a totally dysfunctional family that has been incommunicado for a decade. My brother started in, with his cruel demeanor, sending drunken emails (didn't spell his own name correctly) to me and CCing her friends and the social worker at the facility, giving me and everyone orders from his "head" quarters. With that email, the social worker got the message as did her friends and church friends and realized he had to mediate a conference call. Her PCP had ordered that she required at least 3-4 months of 24/7 help and best case and scenario was for it to be (me) family, social worker concurred. My poor mother was so confused, the three of us were anxiously awaiting the call. Amazingly everyone was on their best behavior as the social worker laid out the MD's orders and agreed it was best for our mother. All agreed. As soon as she was safely released, I have been informed to leave his residence in 2 weeks. Surely he has POA and I should and would like to have guardianship, as my mother and I are close and adore each other. However with the life long dysfunction, jealousy, and now the extreme alcohol abuse and control issues, all are very saddening and I am unable to afford thousands of dollars to fight his millions...I truly believe this is a case of elder abuse in the emotional, mental and psychological abuse of my mothers request and wishes. It's breaking my heart...Where do her need and wants fit in and how do I fulfill them?

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doglover.... I am so sorry for the pain of your childhood... I empathize to some degree. Your brother was a victim as well - and maybe in the worst possible way at the hands of your father and other. He needs healing. You need healing. Alcoholism is always a symptom of a deeper issue.

I pray you find the healing you need. Bless you.
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I also wondered about your ownership in this dysfunctional situation. Your brother definitely sounds like a bully. It would seem under these circumstances a counseling session is in order. I also think assisted living is a reasonable and safe choice for your mother where she will not be manipulated by anyone. It is nice for you to advocate for her, but you can continue that in assisted living. It sounds like she has the means to afford luxurious accommodations for many years. Since you have only seen her about 5 times a year, I believe you may be surprised how hard care giving is as the years go on. Ask any of us who started out fresh and alert with an ill parent and 10 years later you see a totally different person. Also, it is much better to go into assisted living while you are still functioning well, not later when you have no idea what is what.
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Thank you all for your kind suggestions and insights. Noticed with my stress and upset, I repeated myself, please excuse. I can understand assisted living may be the best solution for her in the future and have no object to that. It's the present time that is my concern, in that I am here and we want to be together. Wishing to advocate for her and her requests while she can somewhat comprehend what is happening. Unfortunately I can not move closer to her and have offered her to live with me, at almost 90 she is not keen on that. However being so far from my community, friends, support group and my therapist, is the reason I turned to this site and your comments.
It was having her fresh out of rehab, all agreeing with the plan of action according to the social worker and her PCP, that was the kicker. And yes, with the long standing abusiveness and alcoholic behavior, in the back of my mind, the possibilities of difficulties is always present and precautionary. Asked, where is my ownership in the dysfunction of the family? My deceased father was not only an abusive alcoholic, but also the neighborhood pedophile. Pretty hard to claim ownership of that when I became a victim of him, his brothers and friends beginning at 3 years of age and went on for years.
In Al Anon, we learn it's doesn't matter whether it's food, drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, shopping, it's the behavior. And that it is a family dis-ease, fortunately pedophilia is not, if anything I am overly protective. I am grateful to my mother for she has been my rock and best friend, she went through hell. And as we have been able to speak openly about the truth for the past 5 years (since his death), for the long overdue healing process to begin occurring. The absolute denial, blame, shame, humiliation and pure insanity of the situation, causes so much destruction, ripping families and communities apart, as we all witnessed in the media last year with Penn State. Correct, this is definitely for the professionals and I have sought out and found a kind gentle therapist who is familiar (which took years to find) with all the family crazy dynamics that is my family and am presently seeking one for my mother. We have a family of origin and a family of choice. One day at a time...Peace be with you.
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It's already been said...but your brother has shown generous care to your Mom... and an assisted living can REALLY be a blessing (beautiful suites, movies, shopping days, field trips, salons, manicure/pedicure on site, gyms, speakers, etc). You and your sister may have agreed to care for your Mom but for those of us who have been down that road, it is VERY taxing.

Where is your ownership in the dysfunction of the family? I ask this because you are pointing a lot of fingers and it seems your brother, regardless of his profit motive on mom's house, has in fact stepped up and will step up despite his alcoholism.

I know you love your Mom....but perhaps the best solution is assisted living. Can you move closer to be near her?
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This is a situation for professionals. I don't think there is any advice anyone except a professional can give you at this point. You have an abusive history of alcoholism in the family and the damage it has caused in probably too big for just you to solve.

Can your mother live with you? Is she competent to appoint you DPOA and Medical power of attorney? If she is capable of doing this now? she should considering the dynamics of your family. But I am willing to bet she will not and will continue to live in your brother's house. Doing that will make her obligated to him, as I am sure he is aware.

He is a bully. He knows what he is doing. And as long as he has any power over your mother, nothing will change.

As one person also said, don't be so eager to jump when she says come. She has to make a few hard decisions here. If your brother is truly an alcoholic, she needs to distance herself from him. Maybe an assisted living facility would be the best thing for her. But then, who pays? And will this just be another obligation she has to your brother?
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When it's been a lifetime of abusive male members of the family, my mother and I have held tight to one another, often for dear life. She has stood by me in hard times and I will stand by her. Fyi, both my mother and I live alone with our comfort dogs, ironically my brother is a veterinarian...
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Thank you for your response...
I have been attempting to bridge this gap for years, to make peace, at my mothers request. Let alone for the mental health of all concerned....I am a grateful member of Al anon and work it everyday.
"Or is he just threatening to withdraw the house he's providing if you don't fall into step with him?" Bingo! This is the situation and feel it's basically the return to the childhood days of abusive alcoholic (deceased) father. Sister in law has too much to loose, now including my sister are cowering to him, fearing being cut off themselves. The conclusion drawn between similar behavior of father and son have been expressed by our mother, his daughter, cousins and many of his life long friends, now my mother's friends.
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There was a red flag to me BEFORE all the brother alcoholic stuff you mentioned. When your mom didn't want her dog to go anywhere EXCEPT her house, THAT caused you to fly a thousand miles out of your way at your own expense to do her bidding, that was a red flag to me. That seemed like a minor point to you, but it was scary to me how you automatically jumped at her request. Doesn't that worry you at all? You've already admitted your family doesn't work together well, so you really need to be aware of not slipping back into whatever the dynamic was/is within your family again. Your brother is rich, I get that part, and he's chosen to medicate with booze his demons , I got that part too. It's going to be all about the money to him, which leaves you and your sister to fight about money for your mother's care, the rest of your moms life. You don't mention your father or your brother's wife, so I imagine there's no help there either. Your brother is going to take back the house your mother is living in, because like you said he supplied it for her. Was he planning on paying for asst. living out of his own pocket, or does your mom have her own money? In my opinion, you should be looking down the road 10 years from now. IF your mom's dementia has become full blown Alzheimer's what will that look like? That's why you are right in thinking a disinterested third party needs to get you'all together and talk. Right NOW, taking your mom in would probably be ok and doable. But 10+ years from now, her dementia could become full blown Alzheimer's, you'll be sick and tired of wiping poop off the walls, THEN your brother will be right, by thinking she needs to be in asst living/memory care and you well may need his financial support. Which he may say 'forget it' and you're screwed and having to listen to him say 'I told you so'. Get the three of you together and find a way to get on the same page. Gotta think long-term.
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POA comes into play when the person is either unconscious and unable to provide consent or after being determined incompetent to make their own decisions (usually by their PCP). Does your mother have enough faculties to make her own decisions, or is that now, legally, in your brother's hands? Does your brother have both legal and medical POA?

If he's the decision maker and you feel that he's abusing the process, contact the local area agency for aging; most communities and states have local offices. You might be able to force him to provide proof of his 'support' before a judge. Or is he just threatening to withdraw the house he's providing if you don't fall into step with him? It seems to me that even if he OWNS the house, she is the tenant and should be able to have whomever she wants stay with her.

I'm sure others are far more knowledgeable, with better ideas or suggestions.
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