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She want included in everything. Feeling selfish. My experience is a little different. I am 63 and about to retire. My mother is relatively healthy at the age of 89, and she feels that she should be included in most of my activities even tho we spend plenty of time together. I already take her shopping and to movies and my husband and I have her for dinner or take her out. It just isn't enough. If I trim my tree, well she tells me how she wishes someone would trim hers, etc... I am fearful of retiring because she has already said she can't wait, so we can spend more time together. My father passed 15 years ago and my brother is disabled so I am all she has. Am I selfish to want my own time? Thank you for listening. I feel better already.

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I like all the above answers (I'm in the same boat)... It has really helped me lately to read the book someone recommended by Echkhart Tolle called Living in the Now... He also has a bunch of YouTubes... It's helped me become more 'centered' in my own life... Keep us posted...
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By all means check - out Elder Day Care in your area. MIL attended 3 times a week and looked forward to every visit. Lots of activities, peer group interaction, music plus breakfast & lunch.
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My mom is in her mid 70's and her high school class meets every other Saturday for lunch. They have a blast. They plan trips and parties. Her church has regular activities too. She still hosts family gatherings and baby sits..so there are plenty of ways to keep her fulfilled. If she is busy with other activities, she may be too busy to make unreasonable demands on you.
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Where does your mom live? Does she have a peer group? Interesting activities to attend.? If there is a local college nearby, do they give discounts to seniors? Volunteer opportunities at the library or local elementary school? A once a week visit/lunch/shopping trip is what I would schedule of my time. How did your mom spend her retirement?
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Hi nana63 No, you are not selfish. Wanting your own time is healthy. Living through someone else is not. Apparently your mum does not have good boundaries. You and your husband have to come first. Any children and grandchildren are due their time too. You say you already spend a lot of time with your mum, but she is not satisfied with that. Some parents want to take over their children's lives, and never get enough attention. We see that in many threads. There is a new one about "The Collateral Damage of Marriages In Caregiving!"
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/The-Collateral-Damage-of-Marriages-In-Caregiving-Would-Someone-Explain-This-To-Me-And-Suggest-How-It-175783.htm

Was your mother like this before or is this recent?

It is important to establish good boundaries and also to look to the future and that her needs will increase with time. Do you have a plan for her care as she needs more. Do you have POA medical and financial?

You could help her to find some activities apart from you like a seniors center. You may have to let her know that when you retire you have plans for your own activities. I was fearful of retiring too for the same reason and then realised that I was entitled to decide how and where to spend my time, and decided that I would not be sucked (hoovered) into more time with my mother than I wanted. She plays the FOG game - manipulation by fear, obligation and guilt. You may have to be prepared to deal with these.

Look around the threads. There are many others with this problem. ((((hugs))))
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Get a good therapist, who will coach you in how to talk to your mother. A good one will explain your Mom's behaviour in ways you have never considered. The therapist's input will be invaluable at setting boundaries, and having a fulfilling relationship as your Mom ages. Look for one with which you have a rapport and share a similar sense of humor. A good one will be on your side, but see both sides of the problem. Good luck.
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You say you and your husband have her for dinner or take her out regularly, so I take it that she does not live with you. Does she get out of the house for any other occasion?

It sounds like you do a lot with her. Doing everything with your mom probably isn't a good idea, since it leaves you no time for your private time and personal interests. Does she have other friends? Could she find other people near her age at church or a senior center? Does she have transportation to and from those places?
If she had other outlets, she might not be so interested in being with you so much. Would she be interested in living in a retirement community where she could be around more social activities and people near her age?

Before my older cousin got dementia, she wanted me to do a lot with her too. She had to have me go with her shopping, visiting, etc. She wanted me with her for security I think. It wasn't until her dementia progressed that I considered that she might have been afraid and needed me for guidance and support. She did make poor decisions without me. I saw this in retrospect. I might consider that your mom may need some support in that way too. Just keep an eye on it. Does she have any mobility issues?

Otherwise, I would continue with what you feel comfortable with and steer her to new opportunities and perhaps some old friends. What about a church visitor or even a paid visitor to see her once a week?

I might also consider long term care planning for your mom. Who cares for your disabled brother? Your mom? I'm not sure of the situation.

You have nothing to feel selfish about. I'm not sure why people, including adult children think they owe their parents their every whim. I wouldn't demand that from someone and I certainly will not allow someone to demand it of me. I think it's wise to place your peace of mind and marriage as a priority. Mom should understand and if she doesn't, I would mark it up to age related decline. Certainly ,she would want what's best for you. Accept that you are a good daughter and enjoy the time without guilt.

I wish you and your family all the best.
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Sounds like your Mother misses being around people of her own generation to talk to... right now she has no choice, you are her only friend. Check to see if your area has a close by senior center where she can go, meet new people, develop new girl friends that she can call, and to be part of the activities.
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