Mom is wanting to move back home at 95. How do I cope? - AgingCare.com

Mom is wanting to move back home at 95. How do I cope?

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When mom was 89 (6 years ago) she wanted to get out of her house due to too much responsibility. She lived in WV and I (son) live in TX. After a week long visit she decided it would be in her best interest to move close to me (10 mins away) in a senior independent living center. After the first 12 months she started showing signs on dementia and wanting to move back to WV. Now her dementia is worst and she is in a constant deep depression/anger that I won't move her back. Always crying and telling me she has to get back. She writes to friends that I am holding her prisoner. I don't know what to do. Her PCP has tested her for dementia and prescribed pills to help her with anger and depression and she won't take them. I am at wits end. What are my next steps to get relief for both of us?

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Again, don't​ move her in with you, don't move her back to WV. Home is a place in her mind that is common to people with dementia. So are the letters saying you're holding her prisoner. Anyone who has delt with dementia recognizes these signs and wishes they could be forgotten. It's painful to see and hear these accusations.

Like a toddler, your mom must rely on someone else to make good decisions for her. Don't give into the demands of a toddler, and don't move your mom away. Move her to memory Care once you are able and she qualifies.
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Don't move her in with you! Tour a few assisted living facilities and ask them if they have some kind of test or program that has them assess if she needs assisted living or memory care. She might be well past the being able to handle assisted living. She needs more care than you can provide. It won't hurt to talk to her doctor about her noncompliance with medication.
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I would suggest not moving Mom home - it won't really work, or not for long, so why do it? Then you would have to clean up that mess. Nothing gained for you or for her. Her idea of "home" is probably related to her younger, healthier past.
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I tell my Mom where she is is her home. At 89 her siblings are gone as our Dads. Cousins scattered from NJ to Cal, to Fla. Her home is falling apart and too much maintenance. Her childhood home is abandoned. My daughters tell her she has a nice apartment with a roommate. Meals cooked for her and things done for her.
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So sorry you're first in line having to deal with and try to communicate and control this troubling situation. I really understand... it's awful. I'm also sorry I cannot offer any insights about ways in, through, or around your mom's distress. In my case, I'm desperate and exhausted trying to do "what's right and best" for a VERY non-compliant, control-drama momma who is STILL living at home (NOT GOOD) at nearly 97. I've tried for years to hire in-home caretakers, but she sends them away. She is declining rapidly, but I KNOW from experience, that she is combative, will not follow any logic or rules when she'd been in rehab three times in a assisted living/nursing facility (due to several serious systemic/UTI infections (ER to hospital to Rehab...). She screams that I TAKE HER HOME. Sadly, in my case, this is not unusual behavior for her, as she's been a histrionic, childish, selfish and control freak her whole life... (SIGH). Anyway, maybe my insight in dealing with my mother as primary caretaker for 8-9 years, is, I am finally and slowly telling myself I CANNOT DO IT ALL and I WILL NEVER do enough... to make HER happy. I do what I can, but I am at the threshold of the next emergency that will force her and me to HAVE TO move her into a "memory care" assisted/nursing home situation. I walk on eggs shells every single day now, but I also know she will NEVER be compliant, happy, or cooperative no matter where she is.
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One common thing with a person who has dementia, when they say they want to "go home", usually the "home" is the house that they grew up in, a time and place where life was easier and more fun. And sometimes "going home" could mean going home to God.

Chamark, is your Mom living in an Independent Living facility that also has an Assisted Living/Memory Care section? If yes, ask the Staff to have a meeting with you to see if it time to move Mom to Memory Care. If Mom won't take her pills, does the Independent Living section have a med tech plan where you pay extra and the med tech group handles all of Mom's pills, and they watch her take her pills?

You can do therapeutic lies like telling Mom that there was a major storm and her house got damage, and she can't move back when the house is fixed... and keep using the excuse that the house isn't ready.
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