Taking care of my mom for three years this past year, it’s gotten bad. Falls, broken bones, doctors' appointments, all shopping, cooking on me. Two strokes then skilled nursing then assisted living. Wanted to come home. Brought her home. I live there, brought in two 24-hour care aides. Her pain got so bad, called 911 three times this week. Now back in skilled nursing, completely throws me and all my hard work to appease her and take care of all her medical needs. Tells assisted living doctor she wasn’t cared for, bla bla bla. I’m embarrassed and very hurt. But this is what she does to everyone. I don’t want to take care of her anymore. She’s sucking the life out of me and money, and she knows it but couldn't care less. But always phony and nice to me. Help.
There's no reason at all why you should be embarrassed by anything your mother says to anyone. The AL doctor sees elders like her every day who claim they're the victims of every kind of abuse from their family or caregivers. They know it's total bullsh*t and the dementia talking. Believe me when I tell you this. As an in-home caregiver I've had many clients on my service who claimed their family members abused them. In almost 25 years of in-home caregiving, I had only one client who was actually being abused. I reported her family and gave testimony at the hearing for the state to get conservatorship over her, which they did and she was placed. I worked for one elderly, morbidly obese, diabetic client who called the police on her daughter (whose home she lived in and who was her main caregiver), because she wouldn't allow her to eat a pint of ice cream for dinner. That was abuse in her elderly mother's demented mind. So please don't worry about people thinking you're an abuser.
Refuse to take your mother back into the home. Even if it's her place. If you've been her caregiver you may be able to stay. Talk to a social worker they can help you.
Your mother needs more care than can be provided by homecare. Don't allow her to come back. Let the two caregivers go. Give the caregivers a severance if you're able and a good character, but dismiss them just the same. If there's no caregivers in the home for your mother, she cannot return. Don't let anyone talk you into taking her back either. You've already tried homecare and have seen how it worked out. It didn't. Refuse to take responsibility for her.
Have her evaluated for 24/7 care while at the facility. If they say she needs it, after Rehab have her transferred to a Longterm care facility. Where I live Rehab and LTC are in the same building so easy to transfer. Then you spend the money she has on her care. In my State you have 90 days to apply for Medicaid, get them info needed and spenddown.
You are giving a woman the ability to make decisions that no longer can. She is passed AL care in my opinion. You could try Memory Care.
I get the impression that you live in Moms house. If she goes on Medicaid, you will need to show you were her Caregiver to be able to remain there or that your resided there.
Who is your mother's PoA? If no one, then you may need to pursue guardianship or allow the county to acquire guardianship. Time to make some decisions and be at peace that you're doing the best you can in a very stressful situation.
Mom gets what mom's finances and NEEDS dictate. You give of your time as you see fit.
Your money should not factor into this equation at all unless your own living expenses and retirement are already quite secure.
How much does she pay for? You? How did you become the one to take on her caregiving? Do you have siblings?
Are you her POA/HCPOA?
Please take back your own life and have her go to a facility. But don't YOU pay for it! What are her finances?
But you know now if you weren’t certain before, everything you can do isn’t going to be good enough. Her love for getting sympathy from other people trumps any love she has for you.
Let her stay in a good facility, visit when you want to, and try to get back to being a daughter – preferably a daughter who is appreciated.