Mom is very confused and I don't know how to answer her.

JennaRose: I think it would be worth it to get him out. As they say: Good riddance to bad rubbish!

Be careful. He might hold you up for more money when he learns you plan to comply. Greed knows no bounds.

Hi everyone,

Mom is still adjusting to being in a home in a different state. She has an eye app't tomorrow so I'm hoping these team of doctors will find out what is causing her double vision. She takes blood pressure med., thyroid, a tranquilizer, and a sleeping pill at night.

CTTN55, I couldn't evict my brother after talking to several attorneys because he is not considered a tenant but a licensee. My brother is demanding a large amount of money to move out of the house or he threatened to stay. I can still evict him but it could take up to one year in which my Mom would lose the sale of her home. Attorney's advised me to give him the money he is demanding to move out. I guess this is called blackmail. If my Mom would have made him pay rent and had a lease agreement drawn then I could have evicted him but she didn't for reasons I have no idea.

It really bothers me to give my brother so much money but then I say to myself if I don't is the stress worth it? I don't think so.

Goodness, life is not easy...
Jenna

JennaRose, I just wanted to say that I'm so glad you got your mother out of her house. (I've been reading your posts in your original thread.) Please keep us updated on your situation, including that you've been able to successfully evict your brother from your mother's house.

I have to ask
#1 what meds is she on?
#2 but moreso, has she been checked for macular?

Jenna, by any chance is she taking Benadryl? It gave me double vision.

Thanks for the ideas. My Mom used to be an avid knitter but she stopped because she is experiencing double vision so I made an app't with an excellent eye doctor to see if her vision could be corrected. I'm nervous that her double vision is not a symptom of her having a stroke.

She told me today she wants to do more so I'll start giving her small tasks like peeling potatoes, etc. I really think she would enjoy knitting again.

Thanks!

JennaRose, if you have loose photographs, could she sort them into groups of some sort? In the early years of Mom's dementia, she would fold laundry, mostly the towels and socks, load and unload the dishwasher, sweep the floor and the porch, help a little with food prep such as peel potatoes, sort dry beans, anything she could do sitting down, clip and sort coupons, set and clear the table. She would read the paper but not do any puzzles or coloring. Does your mother know any craft skills? I'm thinking of knitting or sewing or the like.

Hi all, it's 2 weeks since I moved my Mom and every morning she asks me where she is and I tell her (guess that's normal for dementia). Then she tells me she has to go home to get her pots and pans and I explain to her that once we go to closing on her home she will get everything she needs. She is still adjusting and tells me how much she appreciates everything I am doing for her.

My Mom is bored and even there is a senior center with activities she won't go as she was never a people person (not social). I feel like I need to give her something to do to make her feel useful. When she lived in her home she cleaned a little bit (light cleaning). She does wash the dishes but I feel she needs to do more. If she goes out for a walk she gets lost (I left her alone for about an hour and she walked out where she got lost and some neighbors walked her back). That scares me.

Any thoughts?

Thanks, Jenna

Thanks. This solution is so much cheaper than a nursing home and she gets to keep her dignity.

LadyMiller: Fantastic job that you've done for your dear mother!

Wow, ladymiller, if people could do that it sounds ideal. Good going!

Caringson12 Excellent advice!!

We are keeping mom's house and constructing a suite for her in our home. Our daughter is in the honor's program at her highschool. We have mom living in her suite during the school year and we will live at her house in the summer. Yes, it is not easy, but her joy of knowing she can "go home" any time she wants is well worth it. This living situation was approved by her doctors. They were quite thrilled. It is also prolonging her life. We have excellent doctors, a fantastic lawyer, and a talented contractor. All these people have been a blessing in helping mom during this difficult time.

JoAnn29, I'm truly sorry you are having a difficult time with your Mom. My Mom needs to have partial bridges for her teeth so I am making an app't with an excellent dentist I know as she needs to chew better. I know I need to prepare myself for the future as from what I read dementia just gets worse and I already know it will make me very sad to watch. I wish you the best. I guess it's one day at a time...

Thanks everyone! I met with an Elder Care Attorney a while back with my Mom who gave me POA of her financial and medical. I never heard of Advanced Directive before so thanks for that! I will look into that. My Mom has a living will which has my abusive brother on it and myself.

Anyway, my Mom told me today she needs to go back home to get her winter clothes and other things and I just gently let her know that I will take care of everything. Even though her house was sold I didn't go to closing yet because my abusive brother is refusing to move out. I am talking to a different attorney about starting the eviction process.

It's sad to see my Mom in the early stages of dementia but I'm very patient with her. She tells me that she's a pain and I reassure her that's she's not but a true pleasure to have her in my home. When she lived in another state I felt so helpless because I could only help her so much long distance. My brother wouldn't drive her to her doctors, wouldn't buy food for her, etc., etc. I used to order food to be delivered to her. Now I have been out shopping quite a bit and she has everything she needs.

I can't express the peace I feel that I can finally help her now that she's living with me.

Thanks again and if I have any more questions I will be sure to ask away. I'm open to all types of advice since I never dealt with dementia before.

Jenna

JennaRose: I would definitely go with the mindset to tell her "it's so nice here; why don't you stay a while longer?" That way "a while" can be an undetermined amount of time. Then see if she's forgotten all about "going home," which is quite likely to happen. On the downside, caregiving is extremely draining so you indeed ARE an angel.

JennaRose, sounds like ur doing good to me. In the 20months I had Mom I really never adjusted. She is declining more each month. My house waas becoming unsafe since she is having trouble with the steps. Felt it was time to place her in an AL and spend down what money she has, about a year. After that we'll see. She went to the AL this Friday. So, I'm dealing with w/e help. A few little things I have to iron out tomorrow. Main thing, she has already lost her glasses. Once they r put on she doesn't take them off. The aides say she hasn't had them all weekend. So, hubby and I are going back in a little while with flashlights and look under thinks. The aide that put her to bed on Friday may have put them somewhere other than her table. She isn't working the weekend.

Your Mom is so lucky to have you. My Mom has been living with me for 4 years now because of Dementia. Every once in a while she will ask to go "home" to get her winter coats because it's going to get cold. I tell her the house sold, remind her she lives here now and walk her over to her coats/boots. You will have moments like these on and off. I just take it in stride and try not to stress my Ma out as she also has anxiety issues. If you are changing states and had Advanced Directive in that state you may need to get a new one if she changed states. My ma was in the first stages of Dementia and the attorney along with a witness made the decision to go forward with the paperwork as Ma still understood the questions in the moment. It did not matter that she may have forgotten the entire trip to the office. Some states have different wording in ADs,so this is worth a look see. The best of luck to you both.

JennaRose, your mom is blessed to have a wonderful daughter. This is a great place for help with any issues that come up. Having to answer the same question can be difficult. There is lots of good help here.

I am assuming that your mom has dementia. If she isn't combative - then you are extremely lucky. I sold my mother's house and she now lives with me. There were times that she remembered and times that she didn't remember. As the disease progressed - when she spoke of her home - she spoke of her childhood home. So sad to see her decline.

My advice - you mentioned an abusive sibling - I have one also. To protect yourself and if you haven't done so already please get all legal papers, POA in order. I totally agree with caringson12; you need to be able to make all the decisions for you mom. Shortly after mom moved with me; we went to an elder care attorney. You never know what an abusive sibling will do or what they have already done with legal documents.

Good luck

You have taken on a tremendous responsibility and you are an angel. However when a child takes on the responsibility of caring for a parent, all legal documents your parents have created should be reviewed by an attorney. Do not end up in the role of caretaker only to find out an uninvolved sibling can make the final health or financial decisions because of previously drawn up documents by your parents. Only take on the care taker role if you have full control over all decisions. I learned this lesson while taking care of my mother.

glad she has made a good transition!

Thanks for the advice. Later today she didn't say anything about a "visit" and said she is happy to be with me. She does keep asking me if her house was sold and I just say yes and nothing more. She seems more relaxed compared to when she was living with my abusive brother. She's not a victim in her own home anymore.

I told her (and I meant this with all my heart) that I'm so happy to have her with me and she said "but I'm a pain" and I assured her she is not a pain and no trouble at all and she answered "really?"

I know this is an adjustment for both of us but I'm really happy to finally help my Mom. :-) Jenna

Expand on Babalou's theme of telling her how much you enjoy having her there with you, begin having her help you with small things and help her feel useful, then gradually segue into asking her if she'll stay a bit longer because you enjoy her company so much and because it's so pleasant to have her there.

My Dad, who lives in a senior living apartment, he is staying in a hotel and wants to go home. I said different things to try to make him focus a bit clearer but nothing much worked until I asked him about the weather... right away he was back in the here and now.... so try to find a subject that your Mom loves to talk about to help re-direct her thinking :)

So what's wrong with a one week visit?

" mom, it's so lovely to have you here. How about staying a few more days?"

Is mom asking questions? If she's not, i wouldn't bring up the topic. Treat this "visit" like a visit. Only address the issue if mom raises it. Can you tell her a little therapeutic fib about there being some work being done on the house if she asks?