I am recovering from alcoholism and now caring for my Mom. She verbally and emotionally abuses me. What can I do? - AgingCare.com

I am recovering from alcoholism and now caring for my Mom. She verbally and emotionally abuses me. What can I do?

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We live together. My mother is always talking to me in a demeaning manner. We get along sometimes however she seems to always nag at me and say things that I "used" to do when I was drinking. I try my best to be there for her and help her around the house as she is in her mid 80's but my best seems to never be enough. She was never really a caring warm mother while I was growing up but once my father passed it seems as though she has it out for me. I'm the only one there with her. Sometimes she says such hurtful things that I sometimes come close to taking a drink! I am at my wits end...Can someone please give me some advise?

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There is a book that may help called "Elder Rage, or take my father...please. How to survive caring for aging parents." At the same time, I don't think you should be 24x7 caregiver to your mother. She is mistreating you, plain and simple. Under the circumstances, placement is not only appropriate, it is necessary. Please do so without guilt...and get that book so you can understand more about why your mother is behaving in this unfortunate manner. Don't allow her to push you over the edge and start drinking again. You have fought one of the most difficult battles and gotten sober. You are worth more than that. Tell yourself that everyday. You deserve the best. Your mom has her own issues, but you should not have to put up with them 24x7. Move forward with determination and place your mother, it is the right thing to do for both of you.
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You're swimming in dangerous water. You're recovering from alcoholism and you're living in an environment where negative triggers abound. Not a good combination.

If she's not part of the solution for you and you feel you're living and drowning in a poisonous environment that will eventually drive you to drink, then you need to find some kind of alternate arrangements very soon..

If someone treats me like crap, I'm going to resent it, too. Anybody would feel the same, alcohol or no alcohol. I'd get out of there if I were you, or find a day care for your mom half the day, or see about someone coming in part time, look to DSS and see if they offer services you could use, just.... something. I think you need plenty of time away, lots of breaks, at the very least.
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Resentment is the number one offender. Read page 66 in the Big Book (Alcoholics
Anonomous)
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What a wonderful Teacher she is for you. You walk one second at a time, sometimes. You pray a lot & attempt to be one with your source-what ever it may be-I hear you say it's your mom. You must take care of you so ....Work a program , like a 12 step. It is a program of Spirituality & you may find others that your paths are to cross?? Who walk as you....Blessings Be....
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No advice, but best wishes and prayers. May God grant you patience, strength and lasting sobriety and health.
Regards
L
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AA meetings and a sponser (sober 1 year or more) who also is a caregiver. Respite care if possible. Drinking may temporarily seem to make things manageable, but it only adds to you existing problems when you are sober. You and your sobriety are the most important. Good luck..
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ElderCuriousity,

I too am a recovering alcoholic and I too cared for my elderly parent in my home. Do you have a support system for your alcoholism? AA? A sponsor? If not you might want to look into it. I found it nearly impossible to stay sober without support.

You won't change your mom's attitude or her behavior. The only thing you can change is how you react to it. No one wants to be demeaned and nagged at and while I don't know your mom's mental state telling her that you won't allow her to treat you like that and then walking away for a few minutes is perfectly acceptable.

And there are hundreds if not thousands of posts on this site about caring for a very difficult parent. You're not alone in your situation. Do a search and see if some of those posts don't help put your situation in a different light.

And if you do decide to take a drink it will be because you want to not because your mother's behavior pushed you into it. As alcoholics we can stay sober through anything with the right tools and the right support. When my dad went into a NH and he began to decline I've never known such stress. I couldn't believe I was still walking through my life with that much stress. I've never experienced anything like it before or since. Did it cross my mind to take a drink? You bet it did. That's what makes us alcoholics. But we don't drink because we're in tough situations. We don't drink because our feelings get hurt. We don't drink because we're unhappy with our current situation. We drink because we want to and will use any excuse to take that first drink. No one makes us do it. We can damage ourselves just fine on our own. And I don't know how long you've been sober but I can tell you from my own experience it's nearly impossible to do it alone. Check that. It's nearly impossible to do it alone any maintain any kind of peace, sanity and/or strength.

As far advice I would tell you to find a 12 Step group and go to it regularly. It will not only treat your alcoholism but it will help you to deal with your mom. I promise it will.
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