Mom is verbally abusive, while claiming I'm the abuser. Any advice? - AgingCare.com

Mom is verbally abusive, while claiming I'm the abuser. Any advice?

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I am the only member willing to care for her. I feel as though I'm depressed, physically exhausted and just simply do not feel well anymore. There are other family members who could, but no one is willing to help me, either with relief, or financially. I don't think she'd be this way with anyone, she hasn't liked me my entire life. What on earth do I do?

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You get a "divorce" any time the relationship is abusive. In her case, you move her to a care facility where she can complain about them and then be glad to see YOU.
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Having a narcissistic manipulative mentally ill mother who now also has dementia, I totally agree with cmag and Jeanne. There is no way I could or would do hands on caregiving for my mother, never mind my age of 77, (mother is 102). Your mother could live quite a few more years. Cmag is right that that little voice is guilt she planted in you during your childhood. Your bro is the golden child and you are the servant child. Me too. My mother is cared for by others - at a distance. I do not live in her city. I help as needed by taking care of her finances, helping with decisions re her care, I have POA and so on. I rely on others in her city to do the hands on stuff and I stay away from her as much as possible. I have seen her twice in the past year - an all time low, but her paranoia combined with Borderline Personality Disorder made visiting her too stressful for me. As the servant child, we are also the scapegoats - the cause of the wrongs in their lives and are supposed to fix things - even when there really is nothing wrong except in their minds.. I have health issues that are exacerbated by, if not caused by, stress from my mother and, as I see it, my first responsibility is to myself.

Your first responsibility to yourself. Learn about narcissism and detaching, and then do it. Start focussing in your own life and building it up. Your mother will not like it and will probably increase her bids for your attention and also say things that are hurtful to you. Try to not take it to heart - not easy I know. Therapy/counselling would be helpful for you in making this transition. Accept that your mother is who she is and likely will not change, and grieve the loss/lack of the mother that you deserve/needed. This is an important step in accepting the realities and moving forward. Keep coming here to get support for making these changes.

Good luck and ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
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So, do you plan on taking this crap for the next 20 to 25 years? Or are you ready to start living your own life?

If you are here to vent and to get some sympathy, you certainly have mine! Being raised in a dysfunctional family and then getting conned into continuing in the relationship as an adult is dreadful.

If you are here to get some advice about what to do, start distancing yourself from your mother. Have the agency send a different caregiver to her, and you take on another client. And start looking for an apartment. And see a therapist. Then start looking for other work (unless you are passionate about caregiving).
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If your mother can afford to hire and pay you as her caregiver, then she probably can afford to hire extra caregivers so that you can have more of a life.

I'd suggest that you start looking upon her as another client as you create your own space, save up money and eventually get out of the house on your own.

You really can't afford personally nor professionally as a caregiver to live with someone who is accusing you of being abusive when they are the one being abusive.

I don't agree with those who tell wives of abusive husbands to just go back home and love them more and they'll stop abusing you. It never works and too often the poor wife ends up dead or extremely injured, but sometimes they just quit going back and move on with their lives.

Thus, I don't advise adult children to return to abusive parents who have been abusive for their entire life and particularly if they are claiming they, the parent, are claiming they are the victim of abuse when they are in fact the abuser!

Save your life and career and get out of there as soon as you can. If you were an abused spouse, I'd tell you to leave tonight for an a woman's abuse shelter. Those don't exist for victims of elder abuse.
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And BTW, if she is claiming abuse, she could get you into real certified trouble. Please protect yourself. Let someone else to the paid caregiver stint, and get yourself out of there!
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Welcome. We are glad you found this site as we are also glad to have found this site. We will be patient and feel free to take your time in posting what is going on. Feel free to vent as much as you need to.

It is understandable that you want your mother to love and appreciate you and it is not your fault that she doesn't. Evidently your brother is her golden child and highly favored one. You can forget getting his help or her ever changing into the parent that you never had.

The best thing you can do is to put yourself on a healthy path of treating yourself like a loving mother would treat her daughter.

Know this. You didn't make her the way she is. It is not your fault. She is the combination of her life experiences and how she chose to respond to them plus any personality issues (like narcissism or borderline which you can search this site about in the site search in the upper right hand corner of this page.). Also, you can't fix her and you can't control her. The only person that you can really do anything about is you. A big part of that is learning to detach with love which this site has some articles about as well. This is not going to be easy at all and will be even harder since you are living in her house which often brings back that early parent-child emotional dynamic because you are in her house.

How is your relationship with her sister up the street and the brother who lives 30 minutes away? Are they like her or do they have healthier personalities? If so, would they be willing to help you in some way?

Other than mobility issues, what other health problems does your mother have? How much help does she really need at home right now?

Does anyone happen to have medical or durable POA for her? For your sake and hers, I sure hope someone does.

How long has it been since she has seen her doctor and gotten an overall evaluation of her health? She does not sounds to me like someone who is very willing to see a doctor.

Well, I've posted long enough and asked plenty of questions, but I cheering you on in your journey which I believe that you can make progress in. You have taken the first step in finding this site and asking your question.
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No people do not attack and abuse those they love the most. the abuse and attack those whom they think will let them get away with it. The older she gets the less she will be able to hold back her full personality and if you add dementia to that, it can really get back.

Psychologically speaking it is the little girl deep inside that feels awkward or bad about talking about your mother this way, That is a normal feeling of victims of abuse. However, like you say it is either talk about what your life really has been like and is really like with a hateful mom or have an even worse day because of keeping it all inside.

How old is your mom?
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She's 71 and you have two college degrees? Yeah, as a narcissistic mother, she would let you kill yourself or basically destroy yourself in being her enslaved daughter as a free 24/7 caregiver.

That little voice on the inside is one of those emotional buttons that she put in you as a child that she can press at will with almost certainty that you will go into an auto-pilot mode and loose yourself in the most recent demand from her Fear, Obligation, and Guilt emotional blackmail game which I like to call FOG. Her FOG is still very strong with you, but you must find freedom from it or she will suck you into her dark world completely and you don't want to go there.

What are your college degrees in? What did you do with your education after college and before starting to take care of your mother?
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Here is what therapist Pauline Boss writes about this situation:

"Taking care of someone who years before was abusive or neglectful of you is beyond what is expected of you. Caring for a family member who was or is physically or psychologically abusive is dangerous. Feeling as if you want to retaliate is also dangerous. These are justifiable reasons for NOT being a caregiver. ... Each case is different, but with most, I encourage some kind of continued management -- often through a social worker -- to make sure that the caregiving team or the nursing home professionals are treating your family member well. This may be the best you can do given your history together."
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You need to get out of there, for your own sanity and safety.
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