How should we deal with Mom (85) unaware that she has incontinence issues?

I had the same problem with my Mom. I would put a Depends on before I woke her up. When she would say she wasn't wet and didn't need the Depends, I told her everybody had to wear them including me, then I would show her I was wearing one. She was partially continent. She could tell she had to go, but by the time she told me, we could not make it to the bathroom in time. Then we got on a schedule, and I told her everybody has to change now. She was surprised everytime. She would say "Everybody?" And I would say "that's right Mom, everybody has to". It's what worked for me. Oh, if her clothes got wet, I would never tell her it was urine, or she would not believe me. So I would just say she had a stain on her pants I had to scrub out. It make things easier.

Try put her on a toliting.Take her to the bathroom every couple hours. Check her diaper.If its wet encorage her to change the diaper and pant if needed. Let her know that it ok to be incontinent but it's not ok to not take care of yourself.

My mother in law has recently gone into a convalescent home, her toileting was terrible, she lived in our home, and it stank, but it was never her fault, it was always either " it must be the cat" or " i dont smell anything", shed go siit on the loo cos she felt the urge, but once she got there she couldnt go, so she do back to her seat and wet herself, got to the point she would not wear anything on her liwer half because "i cant get it off in time, and it ends up wet" so of course Im cold" was the next cry, "but its 76° in the house,& its 100° outside" , she was such a contradiction
it was a tough couple of months getting her into somewgere, Im the bad guy, because i got her the medical attention she needed, shes not happy with me at all, but shes gettibg the 24. Hr care she needs, Dads getting some sleep, and our home is alot calmer, not to mention it doesnt stink anymore. My advice is, she needs help you cant give her, adult services can help.

My husband has this problem too, not all the time. He changes every night but that morning change is hard. He is so stubborn too. He will feel of it and sometimes it is wet but it will feel dry on the surface but still stink. He will claim it is not wet or that he doesn't have time right now to change. My son comes over almost everyday and he will say Daddy when did you change, I can smell your diaper and my husband will get up without another word and go change. But for me , no no

Has she designated a Medical POA? if so, that person, and her DPOA, need to either hire 24 hr care in bome, just to change her Depends, or, move her to a facility. She is no longer capable mentally of performing an essential.ADL--so she cannot be living alone. It's time for asst living, group bome, or in-home caregivers (and the in-home ones would have to be almost 24 hr, they can't be just 8 hr,.because mom goes to bathroom all times of nite and day. Maybe 2 x 8 hr shifts would suffice if mom can stay in her bed all nigbt).

Thanks for all the feedback. I think putting her on a schedule might work, but she is in denial, so it will take a lot of consistency on our part. She does live with us, but my husband is so reluctant to hurt her feelings and push the issue. She becomes so defensive and angry, insisting that she doesn't have a problem.

Hopefully, she's not living alone.

You need to wake up to the fact she's not able to care for herself. And, she's not 'healthy'. While her vitals are within normal range, sitting in urine is not healthy. And telling you she sat on something wet is delusional at best in that she believes you believe her.

The brain controls all functions. Apparently, it has stopped receiving the signal to get up and 'go'. I'm wondering how the furniture smells if she's sitting on it in wet 'diapers'?

At this point, her stubbornness is no longer a factor. You're in charge. As the person in charge, you have to figure out what will work for her. You may want to say to her that it's time to go to the bathroom, give her a new set of 'underwear' along with anything that may be wet. Note: Do not ask, you tell. I'd also suggest you line anything she is sitting on with waterproof pads.

It may be helpful for YOU to find out just exactly what her abilities are. There are tests that can be administered to help both you and her doctor understand what abilities have been lost, etc.

A 'healthy' dementia patient can live a very long time given the numerous medicines available to keep the body going. If she's allowed to continue her stubbornness, both she and you may find yourselves in an ER someday dealing with a Urinary Tract Infection.

This is not easy. If you feel you can't do this, I'd suggest either having someone come in to care for her or placing her in some sort of living arrangement. I never thought I would place my mother in a nursing facility, but after almost two years, I did after a doctor told me she won't realize the difference and the family will be less stressed.

I meant to say he can't smell and doesn't care if he sits in it!

They have leakage because she doesn't change enough. My brother in law had the same problem. He did have a memory though and when I told him how often to change he listened. She does not have a memory so she needs to have assistance. Everyone is right. It is so hard dealing with Alzheimer's and dementia. Especially in this area. My husband also has it. He has no idea about bowel! He can't shell and apparently doesn't care if he sits in it! It makes me crazy. When I smell it I strip him down and put him in the shower. What a mess. This is the worst part of being a caregiver for me. I can't stand the smells, the mess, or the clean-up! And yet I have to do it. He is just unaware of it all!

My mom has the same issue with leakage. Some days are worse than other days. She moved on from Depends to Tena and says that Tena works better. I just wish these expensive products were covered under healthcare!

Have to say DITTO to what the others have, and she is not alone.. many fights go on in a rest home as the staff try to change their residents, but that regular changing seems to help them.. and ignoring the fact that the pants are wet, but by saying Hey its time to go and change.. and when she resists, just respond. well its time, doesn't matter what state they are in, lets get it done its four hours.. and that indepth scientific mention of FOUR HOURs that they have no idea what that means. will often bring cooperation.[don't promise tho]

This just part of the decline. You can't train her like a puppy by rubbing her nose in it and saying bad girl. Face it. It is only going to get worse. It took a while for me to realize all this by myself as I didn't ask anyone familiar (like this group)
She needs to change on a schedule. I have a battle with my mom every morning about putting on fresh depends. She insists that they are not dirty. she will even try to hide the new ones and lie to me saying she changed them. You need to have her change regularly as she could get infections, etc. Other hygiene is an issue I'll bet to if you are not living with her or she has no assistance. I'll bet she wears the same blouse for days, won't brush her teethe, or take a shower. If she does all these things then they are next. Either move her in with you or put her in AL. She's like a three year old. The difference is that the three year old grows up.

She may not be capable of remembering that she needs them, or how to put them on. Think pam is right, she needs assistance.

Put her on a changing schedule. She cannot live alone and needs aides or a move to Assisted Living.