Mom tries to guilt me into letting her live with me. How long can I withstand this emotional abuse?

You see she did plan for her future, it’s you. She’s slowly making that a reality.

Fourteen years is a heck of a stretch, moving in is just the end goal.

You life your decisions, don’t let someone else make them for you.

You will need to confront your GUILT feelings like a mac truck right in front of you.
* This likely is a life-long pattern of behavior / interactions. I would imagine you felt a need or desire to do 'for her' and as she wanted/told you to do as a way to be loved by a mother. Children want to be loved by their mothers so this wounding / trauma occurs.
* You are the only person who can change your life.
* You first need to realize that you DESERVE inner peace and a healthy life-style.
* It may start with realizing "Yes, I feel guilt and I am going to do what is in my best interest ANYWAY."
- Guilt / negative attachments (it is an emotional attachment) do not go away overnight. Learning self-forgiveness, other-forgiveness is a huge lesson.

I would personally recommend you get into counseling / therapy to find the you inside you, the person that deserves respect and healthy love.

Taking care of yourself is NOT exclusive to caring for your mother.
You need to learn how to navigate what is best for YOU and her. She won't like it and it will initially feel uncomfortable for you - however, if you want some peace in your life, you need to change from the inside out.

One tool that is helpful is to listen to that 'inner negative voice' telling you what you need to do ... (i.e., the guilt). Talk to that voice. Tell it, with compassion that you are now going to take care of 'myself' (yourself) and by doing that, I (you) will also be taking care of mother, in the most healthy way. Then tell that voice "I am not going to listen to you anymore. ... I deserve better."

That raging river is likely in you. Let it flow out. It can be done with compassion. It requires setting boundaries, knowing what you will and won't do - with conviction.

Gena / Touch Matter

Please get her evaluated for placement: Geriatric Psychiatrist or Adult Protective Services when you explain that she has no one to care for her 24/7. Independent care or assisted living seems appropriate at 96. Also, ask for them to apply for her Medicaid coverage to see when or if she will be eligible. If money is not an issue, look into a Continuing Care Community near you: they want Independent care applicants at the start and she never has to move again, which is rather comforting.

One of my favorite sayings, "NO is a complete sentence." No excuses, no maybes, just a loving conversation as to where you two can visit and can you arrange a trial at daycare and/or respite care to lessen the shock of her reality.

Have you pursued AL? Seems like it would be a better environment for her, and would give her the attention/socialization she's craving.

My mom has asked me repeatedly to retire. I cant' till I am 67. We chase this argument till I am blue in the face with it, Each and every time it comes down to the same thing.

Mom, I don't have enough money to retire early. I can not retire till I am 67 and can take my social security. I am currently 58, which means I have to work at least till then to retire. I have told you this before.

Write a standard response out and when she asks read it to her. I have a feeling that you are going to be asked this question again and again.

Not a second more of guilt or abuse. I like Tothill's answer. Just hang up the phone when your mom mentions moving in with you and have her face the consequences. And consider facility placement where your mother will not have to be alone. And for God's sake, do not quit your job. You will run out of money and then be no good for anyone, including yourself, perhaps your life. If your mother cannot accept what you tell her, get her into professional therapy to deal with her hardships.

She’s 96. This can’t be a long problem at this stage. “We’re not talking about this mom. I have to go.” Hang up. Repeat again next time. Or, “I’ll help you find an assisted living. That’s the extent of what I can offer.” She says no? “I have to go,” and hang up.

Read my posts - my 92 year old mom asked me when I was returning to visit with her after I spent 2 1/2 months with her. I just returned home 3 weeks ago. I finally became strong enough to tell her I can't visit for a long time, so now she's asking my husband when he can visit!😭 My friends on this site have helped me deal with my issues - I am so grateful! ❤️

Does mom live on her own and handle her own chores? You visit one day a week to do tasks and call every day, so unless you have other caregiver with her I assume she is managing mostly on her own. If that's correct, then what she says about helping you out if she lived with you is probably pretty accurate in her mind. What she does at home now, she could do at your house. Maybe consider her perspective on this - not that it would change your mind, but just to understand where her thought is coming from. She also sees you coming over weekly when you could be doing stuff at your own house. Not to mention, from her side, being able to talk to you or see you each day.

Don't think of it as holding back a raging river or emotional abuse (I think abuse is rather harsh description...but that's just me), instead think of it that she wants to be in closer proximity to someone she loves. At 96, there has to be a certain amount of loneliness in reflection of the family life we used to have, the husband that predeceased you, etc. As my mom used to say, some days go on forever when you haven't had much interaction with others. I think it would be hard for you to set the boundary on how she feels and, in turn, expresses to you.

I mean, to draw your line in the sand, what are you going to do - tell her if she brings it up again, you'll hang up on her??? (I know at some point, someone here will suggest that or similar). At her age, regardless how many times she asks, please don't go down a punishment road with her. You may (or may not) find out what real guilt is when she's gone.

Some folks have no relationship with their parent. I guess your mom may just want a little more that you can or are willing to give her...but you do have the relationship. Don't think of her asking as guilting you or any form of abuse...let that go. Chat with her, end the calls nicely, and take a breath or cuss it out privately after you hang up. Doubt she is going to change. Peace to you.

Momsgoto: You are NO LONGER 'Mom's go to' because your own health needs to be addressed. You have a "somewhat serious health condition." Take care of YOU, else your health could deteriorate even further. Your Mom knew that she should plan for her future, but failed to do so even with your prompting and now fourteen years have elapsed! Perhaps she will have to get placed in a managed care facility as your health is your priority.

Many parents do not plan for their old age because they think that because they gave birth to their child/children that it is their child’s/children’s duty to take care of them in their old age. It is a sad situation, and your mother is wrong to be making you feel guilty because you would not allow her to live with you. My heart goes out to you.

Since your mother is 96 years old, have you considered putting her in an AL facility? If your mother cannot afford to do self-pay or if she does not qualify for Medicaid for a facility, she can stay in her home and Medicare will pay for someone to come in and help her provided she has Medicare Advantage. I have Medicare Advantage and they will pay for part-time or intermittent skilled nursing and home health aide services provided at her home. The skilled nursing and home health aide services combined must total less than 8 hours a day and less than 35 hours a week. Through this program with Medicare Advantage, you can have someone come in every day for a few hours and Medicare Advantage will pay for this. Prior to receiving home health services, your mother’s doctor MUST certify that she needs home health services and will order home health services to be provided by a home health agency. Also, for your mother to qualify for this program she must be home bound, and at her age she is definitely home bound.

I wish you good luck in trying to resolve the problem of care for your mother and help you to find peace of mind knowing that she is being taken care of in her own home.

Our issues with Mom were a bit different than yours, but my sisters and I hit on a fix that might work for you, too. Whenever your Mom brings up the "move in with you" routine end the phone call or visit. Politely say something like, "Sorry, we have had this conversation already. I am not having it again." Then hang up or leave. Do not call back later and do not come for a visit sooner that your next scheduled visit. It will only take a few weeks for the topic to come up less often, though it may take a year or so before it disappears forever. In the meantime, you save yourself a lot of stress. You are already doing far more than you have to do and more than most do. Give yourself the break you deserve.

The next time mom brings this up, tell her that is not something that will work for you. However, if she feels she can no longer live alone, you will be happy to help her find an assisted living that is to her liking. If she didn't save or invest for this, then she can sell her home and assets, and move into a Medicaid Assisted Living. Once her assets are spent down, they will have a social worker assist her in the Medicaid application process.

Be thankful that she loves you that much that she wants to spend that time with you. For heaven's sake, do you know how many people are complaining because their parents can't stand them?

Come on. It's time to adult. Do what you can, and change the subject, since it's not feasible for you.

Are you in therapy?

It might help you to get an outsider's take on what is going on.

This post is 2 months old. OP has posted a new question.