My Mom tried to have me arrested, is it wrong to avoid her now? (Bonus: Aunt drama) -

My Mom tried to have me arrested, is it wrong to avoid her now? (Bonus: Aunt drama)


My mom is FINALLY moving out of our nursing home to her new one (~2k miles near my sister). I've been waiting on this for over 5 yrs, she was supposed to be moved 4 yrs ago. I finally just up and decided "We're moving, we've waited long enough. Time to sell the house, we put our lives on hold long enough." (Naturally, after I claimed that I was moving with/out my mother...random family said they could magically relocate her!)

I've been preparing all of the paperwork for her release and making sure she is actually ready to be moved. This included calling the new nursing home multiple times, making sure she has an updated safe travel document, all of her stuff from my house is with her and ready, etc. Lots of work.

I have also been dealing with family drama from my Aunt (classic narcissist found out I was moving). This same aunt will be flying out here to move my mom. However, aunt has been creating a LOT of drama.

I am pregnant again (due April 15th - this is our LAST child) and once again not walking much. So, for the last 4 days, I've shuffled all of my mom's stuff (while on crutches) to her room in her nursing home. With zero help. My husband is currently in TX again (military - retires in 3 months).

So, I had photos and stuff from my kids and my sister/her kids in my mom's room. This same aunt convinced one of the nurses via phone (doesn't live anywhere near here) to have them thrown out. For the last 6-8 months she has been trying to convince my mother that I am basically worthless, do nothing for her, and that my mom should just be moved to a random state (nowhere near my sister) instead. Which has been wonderful (basically a LOT of verbal abuse via my mom). Same aunt also convinced one of the nurses to take a photo of my mom while she was recovering from pneumonia (2 years ago), and send it to her. I am my mom's POA and never approved of photos being taken. This aunt held onto this photo for 2 years and now is cycling it through the family as a "recent photo". So, to combat that...I went pretty much everyday this week to take photos of my mother and how GOOD she looks. (Aunt is claiming current nursing home abuses my mom) So, I've been trying to stop Aunt's drama along the way - as well as do everything else for both moves.

So, I'm bringing in the last of my mom's junk to the nursing home. It took me about 2.5 hours to move 3-4 tiny boxes and some blankets. While I am bringing in this stuff, my mom is basically flipping out and cursing at me the entire time. She is just full out screaming at me - I am ignoring her and telling her she can't talk to me like that.

I'm just trying to get it all in the room and make sure that I do NOT have to come back. Every time I'd bring in a box/something, my mom is laying in her bed pressing her call button for a nurse while REAMING into me. You know, my mom HAS to be the victim (her latest thing is that I hit her when no one is looking, mom is also a narcissist). I'm just here to bring her crap in as fast as possible and get out of dodge.

So, I'm trying my best to ignore my mom's flip out and put her stuff in her room. New nurse is basically just monitoring the crap outta me. Then, my mom asks for her picture blanket. (This was sent in the mail by aunt with a bunch of candy that my mom could choke on - she has no teeth, so I had to throw/give away most of it. Aunt obviously has no idea how to take care of my mother). So, I go down to the laundry room and grab the blanket to bring back to her.

Then, I look at the blanket. I am livid, but don't say anything to my mom about it. While my mom was screaming at me, she is telling me how on the blanket is has her REAL family on it. There are about 30-35 pictures of people my mom has never met before (my cousin has a newborn baby, it's on there. A picture of my aunt getting married 30+ yrs ago, etc). There are ONLY 2-3 pictures of my sister and her kids. There are none of me/my kids or my brother. I barely know who any of these people are, and my mom certainly has never met them. It's another dig/insult/power play from the aunt.

So, I called my sister and my sister tells me just to keep the blanket at my house until my mom moves. So, I take the blanket. Not even 30 secs later, I'm near the door trying to leave. The head of the facility stops me with the social worker. They start lecturing me about how I should just let my mom keep the blanket and how mean I am.

45 mins later, they inform me that my mom wants to press charges against me for stealing. I told them to let her. I'll actually bring the blanket back today (was going to add pictures of her REAL family on there but not going to do that anymore), but I am DONE visit/seeing her until they require my signature to sign her out come move day.

Last time I posted here, you all told me to avoid my mom. I am finally taking that advice. I am refusing to go back, help with her move, or even see her now. I'm just done.

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OMG you hang in there, I know these words don't even come close to how challenging your life is/has/will be with your mom. Let me tell you about my dear 88 yr old father got false diagnosis of lung cancer last year, he still worked and loves his pals from his armed guard job. He has always talked badly about his family to others all my life, always says horrible things about me, finally he got to make me a criminal. He upon diagnosis took medical leave, prior to that while living at his dump apartment in the ghetto I was mostly alone. He came home late at night, swing shift, once on leave he was home all the time and started beating me up. APS came because HE was reported by HIS Doctor for assaulting me, then he began to make it about me, tried to manipulate the APS guy to convince him I stole his Credit Cards, APS guy didn't buy it and warned him no more VIOLENCE. Forward to 2 months later he while on Chemo and tanking woke up at 4am because the heater came on and assaulted me tried to kill me, he swung his arm and slammed into the stairwell rail. His pals from work helped lie for him and I was arrested for 3 felonies never have had any trouble with the law. Stayed in jail 52 days, I came home to where I was living and am still here. Now dear moma is constantly wigging out, he never gives her enough money no medical insurance and he does not give a darn. I am not supposed to be around him at all, supposed to be with mom, she chases me out every day. Yelling and pretending to fall or says OUCH loudly basically trying to get me in trouble she Did this today. She is known within the community a town away as Frequent Flyer to the ER be Ambulance co. Im scared to death of these two people. I am now a felon on probation doing well but no job, disabled, he has his name on my car and says if I leave he will call cops, I can't believe the abuse elderly people are allowed to claim towards their family now. This has to stop, I had to take a plea deal to get out of jail I would have died there. Hope this part of my story helps, I do everything I can to help my Mom but I don't have much money and she spends mine and what he gives her requires me to go in public with him and just scares me. The whole thing is just wrong.
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I'm glad that you're finally putting your foot down. I so agree that when these people know what will hurt you, they have absolutely no problem using it against you. And then behind your back, tell everyone how your a bad daughter.. except your mom is pass that subtlety and quite brazen now.

I agree that the picture blanket is another way of hurting you. It's obvious that the aunt also doesn't like your brother. You're both not in the blanket. So, it's time to tell your brother and sister to stop feeding aunt's negativity/drama. When she becomes verbally abusive or unproductive call, rudely interrupt and talk over her (since she's on the roll and doesn't pause). Tell her off or why you're hanging up on her, and then hang up. I used to feel so bad doing this to those anonymous phone solicitations. But the more I did it, the easier it became. I started with long explanations with why I'm not interested, to now, "I'm not interested. Sorry." Then I hang up. Do the same with aunt. 5hours of hearing her terrible words!!!!
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The weird part about the blanket is that my mother asked me to add photos of my brother and the rest of us (I wasn't even sure I could...). But, because she is a narcissist, she decided she just wanted to play the victim when I took the actual blanket to do what she asked. I'm going to return it tomorrow/today, without editing it. Too much drama over a silly little blanket, even if it's completely inappropriate.

You are right. I've hit that wall. I've tried in the past to have mutual respect, but my mother really has no idea what that is (nor ever did). Even if I politely tell her that she can't just start screaming and cursing at me, she just gets worse. I've had to leave visits early or hang up on her numerous times due to her attitude. For some reason, it just does not compute in her mind that I shouldn't be abused.

It HAS negatively affected my children and home life. Not even because I come home upset after a visit. My children were forced to be around this woman for over a year. So, they also had to deal with abuse from my mother - directly. They refuse to even visit her after what she put them through (my oldest two hate her). My husband only puts up with it because I asked him to, I am no longer asking him to. He won't be putting up with it anymore.

My brother AND sister are amazing at dealing with my aunt. My brother stepped up a lot in the past few days. My sister is actually handling the move now on both ends. She has also had to deal with the aunt calling and screaming at her, too. None of my mom's kids are really super fans of this aunt. This aunt is very manipulative, etc. We're just tired of her drama.

You are right, that if the aunt knows this is getting to me - it's another zing. That's mainly the reason why I am returning it, unchanged. I don't want it to be used against me.

So, yes, I'm cutting off ties. My mom needs to be moved? Well, I've done my part and then some for the past 5 years. These people can figure it out on their own. I know it sounds mean, but after 5 years of the situation not changing...I just can't do it anymore.
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Alysrian, people with difficult parents often hit that watershed moment where they're done. Sounds like you've hit that. My mom is also a challenging personality, with the relatives singing backup for her. Please understand I'm not demeaning the hurt you feel but take this as coming from someone who's been there, still there and learned from it -

No one should have to endure being screamed at for hours on end - it's about respect. Because they are elders and you're taught to respect, you end up putting up with really bad behavior. But you need to take the power back and insists on mutual respect. It WILL have an effect on your health - people experience gastro issues, migraines, depression, fatigue, heart issues. Your own spouse and kids will suffer for this, as they will be catching the fallout from you. Yes, it's harder than heck to get to the point where you announce that they need to stop or you will hang up...then you actually tell them goodbye and let them know not to call you right back because you will not be answering. I've had to do this and now if I tell my mom what is about to happen unless things get reigned in, she knows I'll do it. As for your aunt doing this to your brother, he's a good man for dealing with this to protect you, but arguing with people like this is futile. My mom and the relatives follow every explanation from us with "yeah, but .." which says they haven't hear a word you've said. You can't change them, only how you deal with it. He needs to protect himself and just end the call.

As for the blanket, honey, let this go for now. Yes, it's hurtful to you and you want her to have photos of her kids and grandkids. But right now, there's a lot of emotion flying, transition occurring and this may not be something you need to deal with at the moment. Plus, since they now know this is really getting to you, it'll become another tool to zing you with.
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Oh, haha. I didn't see your response. Yeah, we done when we had our 3rd. I was on a lot of medication after recovering from my hospital stay (meningitis + stress). It cancelled out my birth control. Apparently, the condoms didn't work either (sigh). I must just get pregnant by LOOKING at babies. I'm almost done with this one, thank god. My husband got a vasectomy this past December, so absolutely NO MORE KIDS.

The nursing home actually knows how my mother is. However, when my mom threatens things like calling the cops - they take it very seriously. I understand their position on it and really don't blame them.

I basically have a whole book of stories of the shenanigans my mother has caused in the last few years. Last time you all were telling me to avoid, avoid, avoid. I'm taking that advice and running with it.
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My mom basically had a stroke about 9 years ago. She was diagnosed with early on-set dementia, paralyzed on one side of her body. She was a subtle narcissist BEFORE her stroke (which was caused by her not taking her blood pressure medication for attention, we were originally no contact for 10 years prior to her stroke), and now she is a full blown abusive narcissist.

Her latest, and usual tactic, is to act like the victim always. I told her at one of her appointments she needed to have an IV put in her arm, she decided then was a good time to tell the world that I apparently hit her when no one is looking (she was looking for a way to get out of getting the IV). So, after the staff realized she was basically full of it...she got the IV in. However, my mom realized this tactic WORKS on some people and has been abusing it for a few months now. (She also threatened to have my kids taken away from me and raise them herself.)

I had to basically avoid my mother my last pregnancy, which you guys on here suggested I do. She was throwing glasses at me (yes, actual real glass) while pregnant. She caused me to go into early labor at least 5 times, due to her rages. I wound up being hospitalized for about 5 months after giving birth due to the stress she caused me.

The abuse is the reason I put her in the nursing home, and with 3 (soon to be 4) was WAY too much work for me as basically a single parent. I tried to have her live with us, but she was just too abusive towards even my kids...that I couldn't live like that anymore. I've come to realize in the last year that even visiting her isn't safe for me, either.

This was just the last straw for me. I won't be helping her with anything at all. She can find another target to abuse. We've done WAY too much for her. My entire family has been suffering because of my mother, and she continues to act like this. She will never change. It's time to focus on my kids and ignore my mother.
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I really appreciate the quick response. While I was sitting here I went back and read a little of your background with your mother and her sisters. Whew! What drama. I'm so sorry about your pregnancy issues (I read a little where you were carrying #3 and having trouble). I only had 2, but I had morning sickness all day long for most of the time. I was so glad to finally deliver, and we agreed two was enough for us. I know it's probably not possible, with your husband so far away from you and with 3 kids already, but try to get some time for yourself to de-stress. It really sounds as though this nursing home your mother is in is causing additional problems that they shouldn't be, so everyone will benefit from her moving out. I wish you continued success keeping the bun in the oven until time for his/her debut.

Thanks again for the blanket info. Going to the website right now.
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It's just a fleece picture blanket that was ordered. My aunt picked the photos, ordered it, and sent it directly to the nursing home without my consent. So, I was going to order my own and basically make it a patchwork. Take out pictures of people my mom has never met (maybe even just keep those photos on there), and sew in some of my own kids, etc. I hadn't decided exactly if I was going to take OUT any photos, but knew for sure I'd be ADDING the photos.


This has nothing to do really with my hormones being pregnant. My mom has been abusing myself and my family for years. This is just my mom's latest thing (she loves to play the victim, while screaming at me for hours on end). I have a brother and sister that has been handling most of the aunt drama for me (yesterday she yelling at my brother for 5 hours on the phone about how worthless I am). Usually my siblings handle most of the aunt's issues she causes and I handle my mom's issues.

This time though, my mom just went WAY too far. It was a reality check for me.
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Since I don't know anything of your history with your mother, I just want to say that I'm sorry that things blew up this way. I know when I was pregnant, my emotions were all over the place - you could look at me and I'd cry. So I'm not going to be any help with your dilemma.

However, I am very interested in this blanket you referred to. It has pictures on it and you can add others to it? How is it made? Are the pictures woven into it or what? I think my mother and mother in law would love to have something like that. Anything you could tell me about it would be helpful. Thanks in advance.
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Oh and before anyone says anything about my mom being handicapped...I know she basically on-set early dementia and can excuse MOST of her behavior. However, she KNOWS she has been verbally (and sometimes physically) abusing me for years. It's the reason I put her in the home. She KNEW she was basically being a witch to me yesterday, and even after asking her numerous times to STOP screaming at me...she continued on with her spiel.

I also DID tell my mother I was going to add photos onto the blanket, which she was okay with. Until, I actually went to LEAVE with the blanket (then she wanted to play the victim again). That's when things hit the fan. My husband told me to just bring it back and not see my mother again. I'm going to run with that logic.

This was just too much for me. After years of her abuse (and lies to anyone that will listen), I just don't want to deal with it anymore. If she/they want to move her so bad, they can do it themselves. It's time to focus on MY family.
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