My mom fell and busted her knee in her bathroom 3 weeks ago. After hospital stay she was transferred to rehab. Only this time she is in a facility on the other side of town near one of my brother’s. He and his wife took charge. They are up to their old tricks. Didn’t put me on the emergency contact list (I live an hour away), ignore me in my presence, and don’t provide information.
I’ve been visiting my mom every week and she is able to call me on her cell. Tonight she called to say she fell trying to go to bathroom at rehab because an aide did not come help her. Here’s the deal - brother is a pilot so he left to go back to work for 10 days while his wife left to go to Italy. So there is no one attending to my mom. They canceled her followup appointment with surgeon cause brother wasn’t available. Now she has to wait another 20 days just to see the PA. Mom has been languishing in rehab 3 weeks already. She still doesn’t know if she needs surgery.
If they werent so vindictive I could have taken her to doctor but they shut me out - even in emergency. Then leave town and I’m the only family member to respond to emergency? Labeling me a crazy troublemaker with her doctors and rehab? Just because I can’t cope with the idea of my mom lying in the floor in excrement with no family to attend to her?
This is same story, different day. They control Mom and her money. They won’t have it any other way even if it’s to her detriment. Yes, she chose them. But she calls me when they are not available - they both work full time and travel a lot. Mom can’t walk - there is no going home this time.
I want to go No Contact with the sibs, but it breaks my heart cause I will have to do it with Mom too.
She prefers his control and abuse.
If mom wanted you in the driver's seat, she could easily put you there.
Walk away and send her nice cards. Stop allowing her to torture you.
He refuses to be in a meeting with me. Doesn’t speak to me, look at me, nothing - told me I’m a nobody and he disowns me. Tells the doctors I’m crazy when he is the one being emotionally abusive. Next, he will block me from seeing my mom.
I appreciate your advice but I don’t think there is much I can do except walk away. My mother defends his behavior - It’s patriarchal.
Is there any way you can speak to your mom’s doctors to explain?
As far as her care at the rehab, this is on the facility and not really the responsibility of family members to “attend to her”. If she’s unsupervised and getting out of bed when she shouldn’t, you need to call a Care Conference Meeting. If Mom is competent, she should be there too. The staff needs to tell her that she cannot be getting out of bed by herself. I know this is difficult, but most facilities are very short staffed. My husband would often have to wait upwards of a half-hour or more for an aide to assist him. If she messes the bed, they will ha e to clean her up. Or, she might consider wearing a Depend.
As far as the appointment with the surgeon, ask the nurse on her floor or the physical therapy department who should also be at the meeting, what’s going on. Don’t end the meeting until you and she are certain you know what’s going on.