My Mom told me I have always been "trouble" due to debts I had 25 yrs ago, and is unpleasant. This has created family chasm. Any help? - AgingCare.com

My Mom told me I have always been "trouble" due to debts I had 25 yrs ago, and is unpleasant. This has created family chasm. Any help?

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This was the day after her 90th birthday, when I asked on the phone, why I had not been invited by her grand daughter to the family celebrations, whereas other more distant relations had been. I am so upset. She told me that my partner of 18 years "did not know half of it" whereas I have told him of all my financial problems and he is not in the slightest concerned by this aspect of my past. He loves me for what I am, presumably. I have always supported her emotionally and stood up for her, but now I feel as if she has stabbed me numerous times and I had to hang up the phone. I can't stop feeling upset and no longer wish to visit her, as she behaves like a venomous snake.

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Countrymouse is correct, there is probably a main issue here. I know with my mother there is. That issue is she never helped or spent a Nickel on her kids or grand kids and she feels guilty about it. I had three kids in college at one time and it was tough on so many levels. My husband refused to spend any of his hundreds and hundreds of thousands on college. I had terrible problems with him due to his unrealistic tightfisted ness . I talked to my mom about it and how depressed I was over the entire crazy making and what did she do? Stab me in the back. Make up stories that I wanted money from HER and after ten years, it has not gotten any better. In fact, my youngest daughter is 7 months pregnant, a nurse whom hurt her neck and can not work. She is fighting to get workman's comp and is,having trouble getting anything at all. She and her husband are educated and will be fine in the future but they could use a handout right now. So I help them a little. The first thing my mom said to me was," oh you can't give them money". I was so mad, she was just repeating what she has done to me and my brother out entire lives. Nothing for no one.

To justify her behavior, she has tried to paint me as a untrustworthy loser who would "blow through" all of her money. She actually said this to my brother. I have personally never had money problems nor borrowed from my parents, ever.

Like you I have been make an outcast. I hope you will tell us what is really behind her mother's bitter feelings and can't she forgive you? I know my mother never will stop her nastiness. That would be admitting wrong doing on her part.
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With a knife or a gun..??!!! God knows what your brother was imagining. People's fears snowball and it all gets horribly out of hand. Remind yourself he's being silly and then try to ignore him.

Why is this still eating your mother up after so long? Why, do you think, does that particular memory push past all the others in her mind and surface just as everything else should be getting better? Celebrations should be celebrations, not prime opportunities to thrash out grievances.

I have a feeling you might be banging your head against a brick wall, here, trying to mend relationships without being able to root out the main issue. Do you ever talk it through with someone who knows your family and understands the dynamics and the history of it?
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Incidentally, she lives on her own, complaining most of the time because she cannot do things like the gardening, and has moved house often because she never likes where she is. My brother put the house into trust when my father died, and I am not a Trustee, because she won't agree to it. My brother, his wife, and grandaughter are. I imagine a lot of trust money has been spent on removal expenses, legal expenses etc and new furniture and stuff.
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Countrymouse - Yes. You are actually spot on. I wasn't bothered about attending the party, although I do live 2.5 hours drive away, but I find it so upsetting to be verbally whipped for something so long ago - it brings up all the suffering all over again. This is not the first time she has done this - she did it after my Uncle's party as well, quite a few years ago - it really spoils the moment. Sometimes on the phone she is really pleasant, but I am finding it too upsetting to deal with. I spent days planning presents, including a memory book which I now do not want to either send or visit her with - I was planning to visit before the unpleasant phone call. I could cheerfully live without all my family, but have been accused by my brother in an email of trying to kill her - which is totally untrue.
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I have to say, unhelpfully I'm afraid, that I wouldn't start from here. As Ba8alou points out, the time to do something about the birthday party invitation was in advance of the party, rather than the day after, and the person to ask about it was the person doing the inviting, rather than the guest of honour.

But, so, anyway, I'm guessing it's not the party itself, is it, that's the problem. It's having this ancient history held against you, and dragged up whenever your mother feels like having a go? Excluding you from a major family celebration sounds extreme to me, I must say; but therefore perhaps a sign of a long-standing rift. Are you in touch with any other family members besides your mother?

Without knowing anything about the structure of your family, who's important to you, who you can cheerfully live without, what your day to day relationship with your mother is like and whether it's a plus or a minus in your life… it's really very hard to comment. Do you want to say a little more?

Is your mother living alone? If not, who is living with her? How is she getting on in terms of her health and quality of life?
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Wow, we need to talk. I supposedly ask my father for money, 25 or so years ago. That never happened. Mom is adamant I be left out of all POA's, medical and financial power, anything to do with her business. She also stabs me in the back every chance she gets to try and "sell" her story.

If you had financial problems 25 years ago, are these problems on going? Why would she ostracize you due to these problems? Please tell me what is so horrible about having financial problems at some time in your life? Many people have. What is important is how you deal with the problems and not repeat the same behavior over and over.

Like you, I am so hurt and disgusted with my mom that I no longer visit her. I talk to her once a week. She continues to lie to me and about me. If she were a friend I would have long ago kicked her to the curb.

My mother does not have dementia. Let us know what is going on with your mother to make her so mean and cruel to you. We care.
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Does your mother have dementia? If your presence is upsetting to her, then it would be kind to stay away. If the granddaughter was the hostess, you need to have this conversation with her, not with your aged mom.

Are you actually the caregiver? If this is the case, I would tread carefully, since false accusations are very often the hallmark of dementia. Make sure that there are others around to witness your interactions with her.

Try not to take this stuff personally. This is the disease talking.
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