How do you handle it when your Mom thinks you are someone else?

It seems from what you say is that after a couple of hours she doesn't remember who you are. Instead of her getting agitated cause you don't know the answer, maybe if you took a walk and came back in a couple of minutes she might remember who you are. If you rather stay then you will have to wing it and make up your own version and let her correct you if she remembers, then you can use the excuse that you don't remember it was so long ago.

Best of luck with it. My mom remembers almost nothing of her past and that is sad cause I have pictures here that I have no clue who they are and only some of them have names on them.

Krusso: When our parents or loved ones have this disease we just have to stay as strong as we possibly can to keep our sanity and provide the care they need day in and day out. Falling apart when something like this happens isn't what I can personally do, I am my mother's 24/7 caregiver and I do not have time to fall apart if Mom thinks I am someone else. That for me is something easier to handle than a lot of other things. I can see where you would be upset about her believing your father had just died and she needs you to pick her up the next day for his funeral. Most of the time with my mother, these episodes last for a short period of time because her memory lasts only about 10-15 minutes. My mother too kept asking me when my father would be there at the hospital to see her, I did not know how she would take it when I told her he passed away 7 years ago, it was much easier than expected.

Also I have two sisters, however the care-giving is left up to me and in the hospital I was there almost 24 hours every day. My sisters both work and are never around to be able to share these occurrences with. I am sorry you are an only child, but sometimes even when you have siblings they do nothing to help you anyway and you are still alone.

Just go along with her and talk to her as she want you to.
It doesn't really matter now, you know, just not to make her feel bad about it.

Raven1 - when the n.h. called me & told me my father died, I didn't shed a tear! So I AM strong but I'm also human - when I saw mom & she told me "Dad died" I did NOT fall apart - I went along with it & told her I would see him on my way home & we'd pick her up the next morning. I'm doing the best I can here! Never cried in the n.h. but when I came home I sat on the sofa & cried a little. Not all of us can be as strong as we'd like to be. You can only do the best you can. And, my situation IS different from yours in so many ways. We have different personalities & that's just the way it is.

Oh, I feel for you. I had worked with people with dementia and their families for four years before I experienced this personally. My mom and I traveled across the state to help my aunt move my grandmother into an assisted living. I stayed with my grandmother at my aunt's house while my mom and aunt took care of the move. I got her dinner, we visited, and I helped her get ready for bed.

Early on in the evening I realized my grandmother didn't know who I was- and boy, even though I later felt that I "should" have been prepared as a professional, as her granddaughter, my heart hit the floor and buried into the ground a few feet. It was very hard. However, as the evening went on, I went along with her assumption that I was just a "nice girl" helping her. She asked who my parents were, and I told her, "Ida and David." She said, "My Ida? So, you look upon them as your parents, huh?" I just laughed and said, "Yep! Aren't they wonderful people?" She agreed and we spent some time reminiscing- she told me about their lovely little children (not so little anymore- ha!). Even though it was sad, I loved how much her love for us poured out in her memories.

The thing was, I was able to keep my cool and was careful to not correct her or try to pull her into my reality--because I knew it wasn't her reality, and I couldn't fix it. So, I went along with the story she'd come up with regarding who I was, because this story made sense to her. If she asked me something I didn't know, I'd just say, "Oh gosh, I don't remember!" And then I'd change the subject and redirect the conversation to a safer topic. For example: she asked when my grandpa would get back from the store (he'd been dead 15 years); so I said he'd be back soon, and then suddenly "noticed" her beautiful jewelry, which was her pride and joy. We talked all about jewelry and accessories, and she quite forgot that she'd been worried about her husband.

As I said, this is very sad and one of the worst things about this awful, awful disease. But, try to take away this: Your mother remembers you as someone she loves and cares about--she just can't place exactly how or who. But you are still important to her- hold onto that as much as you can.

Sometimes when a parent says they had no daughter/son it's because they are back in time when they really didn't have any children. I know my Mom does it. Funny though even though she'll go back in time where she has no children she will always say my Dad is her husband, even if she tells me she is still living with her parents on the farm he's still her husband.

This is just like my mother. She thinks my brother is her husband and follows him around like a little lost puppy dog (I feel terrible for him and my sister in law). She also thinks I am her sister. The other day I was in the bathroom with her and my husband called and said he was almost home, I told him we'd be dowb in a few minutes and she said "She's helping her little sister" followed by a little chuckle. I totally agree with those who say that they are just back to an earlier time and you didn't exist then. It bothered me a little at first but I got over it pretty quickly : )

The thing to remember is they still know they love you.

I wanted to visit my aunt, and realized she didn't know who I was, or thought I was my mother. It was hard, it was sad, but I still wanted to spend time with her because it wasn't about me. During one visit she started talking about how her mother would never let her have a dog and how she loved dogs. Yes, she did. I got permission from the staff to take our golden retriever to visit her. A well behaved golden boy who just sat and let people pet him. It was as if "he knew". On the 4th visit her face lit up and she said - I'm sorry I can't remember your name, but I know you're the nice lady with the dog. :-)

Year ago when I was a teen-ager my extended family was visiting my great grandmother who I realize now suffered from a bit of dementia. My aunt had brought her infant grand-daughter, great grandma's great great grandchild along and when the family got up to go visit the cemetery the baby was asleep. Being a teen I didn't want to go anyway so I volunteered to stay with the baby and Great Grandma. The baby woke up and Great Grandma started asking me why I wasn't nursing. (embarrassing when you are 16) and I realized she thought I was my aunt and the baby was her son. (the baby's father). She told me that he had left his play toy the last time we'd visited and went into her bedroom to retrieve it. A short time later she came out with an baby toy that was obviously from the 30's. When my aunt returned she saw the toy and asked where it had come from. I told her and she said it indeed had been her son's but he'd lost it as a infant and she'd never seen it since. Great Grandma knew where it was, though 30 years later.

krusso, I understand exactly how you feel. I am taking my mom's demise very, very hard. I've lost 15 pounds and started a couple of other unhealthy habits because the pain is so great. And also my mom would vent all of her frustrations on me as well because most of the time she knows who I am while she has forgotten everyone else. I am not ashamed to admit it that as much as I get wonderful advice and compassion, it still hits hard, but I have learned to deal with it better, and I hope that time comes for you. And I'm not apologizing for how I reacted either because my mom and I were BFFs, and that even overrode our daughter-mother relationship. My mom remembers me more as her BFF because she no longer remembers that she had kids. Sometimes she thinks I'm her mother because many times I acted in that capacity too, and she doesn't remember as much anymore her own mother. So I'm a mix of more than one person to her but I'd rather be that than someone she forgot. It's all bittersweet.

Just a few days ago my mother asked me where Raven sat at the table. I said, "You mean me?" She replied, "NO, I said where does RAVEN, sit at the table?" I do have to admit it took me by surprise and I was stunned for a minute but I just said to her, "Mom I am RAVEN and I sit right here." She said, "Oh, okay, well here is your mail." That was the end of the conversation. I think or hope that if or when it gets to the point that she does not know me at all, that she will just accept me for whomever she thinks I am.

One day in the doctors office I heard a woman yelling at her grown daughter, that she "had to go home to her children." The daughter replied, "Mom I am your daughter." The woman almost spat back at her "You are no one to me, you are a stupid woman who will not take me home to my children!" That killed me for this daughter, not only that her mother did not know who she was, but that she was so angry and horrible to her daughter. I hope I never experience that to that degree!

Raven, I also hope to experience mother's wrath in the presence of others. But we has had this sort of thing happen at home. When she thinks I am someone else I go along with it. However a few times when she is looking for her little girls and worried about their safety she has become quite angry. If I can handle her for just another 30 minutes all is fine, these become Xanax nights.

avoid experiencing mothers wrath in presence of others

You have to go along with it, agree with everything they say, in 6 minutes they forget it anyway. Dont take it personally and dont make them feel bad and get more confused by being right. Be the best you can be, with theraputic lies, you've got a long way to go.

I have just answered this question but it has not appeared?

My parents are 92 and live in own home, and I thought they were ok other than minor memory problems and eccentricities. Until earlier this year when my father 'accidentally' revealed to me that they had changed their Wills and I would no longer get their house (after Wills had stood for 20 years!). My father proceeded to get angry. Insisted he had told me 2 years earlier. Later he verbally attacked me and effectively shredded me. My mother joined in, and apparently they can do what they like, and anyway I am a naughty girl for objecting (i am 60). My brother and his wife have poisoned their minds against me and extracted a sum of money from my susceptible old parents for their struggling business (amount of which is none of my business). I got up to walk out and was told 'never to come here again' and 'we dont need your help' and my mother just stood by and did nothing. I havent spoken to them for five months! I have had a nervous breakdown, and their only relatives (mum's sister and husband) believe they dont have dementia! So, I have been villified, humiliated, ridiculed and made to feel like naughty child, and my Mum has lost a loving daughter. A horror story! Their personalities changed at a stroke and I am in a living nightmare! Lovely!

In answer to the one who said Mom got agitated where her little children were. The memory care place where my Mom lives handles this by saying oh, you forgot so and so has them today or so and so has them for a visit. they get a name from the family so they are saying a person's name the loved one would remember as being all right to have the children. There is another lady there that is always trying to round-up kids for one reason or other (she was a teacher once upon a time) and get anyone visiting to help her. The care givers will come up and tell her oh you don't have to worry about them the police rescued them or they were already picked up by a bus. Whatever fits the situation. It works until she wants she needs to round up another batch of kids for some other reason but it is usually the next day before that happens.another day by then.
Yesterday when my Dad and I visited she told the care giver who got her out of her room we were her Mom and Dad. Later she said it was her Dad and sister but still later she knew who we all were and said my one sister was the only missing one. She was right the rest of us were there. You gotta go with the flow. Sometimes she knows me, sometimes she doesn't but she does know she loves me and I love her.

I do have to say that Mom's behavior became much better after we instituted medication. I will say that it is not perfect, far from it, we do still have problems but it is manageable enough that I am no longer thinking I am going to have to put her in a nursing home because I can no longer handle the situations. She does still ask at least 20 times a day if the dog has been fed, but that is down from 50 times, she looks for her medication and then gets mad when i tell her it is locked up due to her self medicating, which she denies and gets angry about. We just had to have our sewer line replaced and in the process they dug up the cement entryway to the house which had to completely removed and then we were told that we had some other issues so it led to us having our huge driveway ripped out entirely and they were ripping out roots and ripped out our water line in the process, (so we have had a great time lately), but try to hide all this from a mother who goes in and out of lucid moments. She found out what was going on and began asking how it was going to be paid for, she didn't have the money, where is her checkbook, who told them to rip it all up, who is going to pay for it, she doesn't have the money, over and over and over.

I told my sister there are some issues you do NOT discuss with her because it sends her into this cycle over and over and it drives you crazy, so you just have to keep it to yourself.

If any of you have loved ones with all these problems that we have been talking about but they are not medicated, you need to see a gerontologist and get them on medication, it will help them and in the process you as well.

Raven, I can definitely sympathize! We had a flood in the basement two years ago and of course something like water lines and driveway being replaced cannot be hidden from them. They take so looong... It took nearly four months to deal with the flood aftermath. Everything from the basement was stored in a storage unit on the street. It was extremely difficult.

The flood is kind of a funny story now, so..
I had been here taking care of my mom in her home for about one week when this happened. Was getting ready to take a shower went to turn on the water, the faucets were hard to turn. Well, it ended up coming off in my hand with old faithful coming out of the wall. I ran around the basement looking for the shut off for a couple minutes, couldn't find it so called 911. Fire responded with 6 crew, they also looked for the shut off, couldn't find it, ended up turning it off at the street. They then helped me to clean up most of the water then left. This all covered over about 45 minutes. About 5 minutes after they left, mom woke up. She slept through the entire thing, sirens, 6 firefighters up and down, cleaning up the water, etc. I guess there are some good things to say about hearing loss. LOL.

So lesson learned, bathroom fixtures will break, particularity in a 60 year old house. Getting new fixtures is normal household maintenance.