Mom thinks carer is a friend, so won't let her help in household chores or clean. Any ideas?

As a caregiver for about 8 years in private home health care and Assisted living. Now caring for my mom we have had caregivers come in when they come in I explain what I would and would not like them to do. It's important to be clear from the beginning also the caregivers have been trained with different scenarios and how to handle different people. A true caregiver works from the heart and will go out of there way to work with the family. Hope this helps. Hugs to you.

My mom's caregiver includes her in every thing which makes Mom feel good. My mom wants to help and feel useful she lives at my house. So Rhonda will say "Hey Mom, how about you sweep and I will mop" Or she may be doing a load of towels and she will say want to help me fold the towels. This makes mom so happy. When I come home from work Rhonda will go on and on about how much help Mom was today and you can see the smile beaming on her face. This makes her feel important and needed and it keeps her moving, I think its very important to keep her moving and thinking as much as possible. I have recently had a friend that needed a place to stay for a while, he works nights so now I enjoy knowing that the three of them are either doing something like straighten up the house or sitting and playing card games, seems like the more people that are around Mom that happier she is, its hard for us to go places because a lot of times mom does not want to go out but we also have a special needs young man so our house has become the place that everyone goes to at night, its a lot of fun, we had a few friends over last night, mom was having such a good time, she was laughing and talking, they all call her mom, well all of my friends call her mom, I felt so good, Mom has always been a loner and when she lost my Dad it devastated her, he was her whole life besides her girls, well Mom looked at me, a bunch of people were over and she said Honey, I think I finally found my group, she said "I think everyone likes me and I just love them all" We even take a yearly trip to the farm (Mom's house) and a bunch of friends come, most I grew up with, mom looks so forward to the yearly trip.

As a caregiver, I completely understand what your caregivers might be going through. A lady I cared for, who had severe dementia, was upset that her daughter asked me to do anything. So I had to make her feel that she was the boss, not her daughter. As has been suggested above, I often asked the lady if I could do something. Sometimes I told her I liked doing this or that, it was fun for me and please let me do it. Eventually, she got used to my presence and to me doing things, amidst visiting.

Socialization is in the job description and is the primary task as far as I am concerned. If caregiver is very cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc and mom gets bored and decides to go for a walk, what would you want caregiver to do? Probably go with mom, at least I would. What if caregiver is in an area of the house where she cannot see or hear what mom is doing? Socialization, chatting up, keeps mom entertained and less likely to wander off or find some other sort of potentially dangerous activity.

The caregivers should know their tasks are cleaning, laundering, etc. and not to chat up mom, right?

Thanks again. I seem to have hit on a commo. Topic. It's great to see how everyone handles these situations, and I can take a little from each of you to go on. One of tbe aides gets along well w mom, and that is important. My hope is that as mom's needs increase, she will let her do more. Right now they are happy, and its really the aide that is concerned that she could/should do more. I'm happy moms in good hands and happy, gets out for walks and is playing games.

Sorry, hit POST COMMENT before I was finished.

We learned during the course of the years that the aide's role was to make Mom feel loved, secure, and safe. That said, we got VERY lucky with her. Mom is now in Assisted Living, and the aide is there 3x/week. She is our eyes and ears, because we all work full-time and we can't be there. She also advocates for Mom, immediately addressing any situation there that may come up.

Initially we wanted her to do light housekeeping and meal prep. Mom wouldn't let her, so we had to abide by Mom's wishes and work around it. We worked it out, and I know you will, too.

For 4 years we had an aide help us with Mom. We settled into routines,what would change as Mom's reliance on us increased.

The aide did laundry because mom would help with folding. And she changed the sheets once a week, one one of the 2 days she would give Mom a bath. I managed the food, and would cook a meal for Mom & I 2 of the 4 days I was down there, making up plates for the remaining days. I hired a cleaning lady, who would come done once a month & on a day I was there to keep Mom out of her way. My sister managed the household bills and managed the guys who mowed and plowed. My brother? Well, he was there every Sunday watching TV and reading the paper and Mom thought that was the best thing ever. But, hey, it meant neither my sister nor I needed to be available. LOL

This system worked out the best for all of us, because it played on our strengths.

How I wished I would have known to say to my Mom [97] that the people coming in the door of her home where there to help "me"... whether she would have accept more freely.

She refused any type of help claiming she could still do everything for her and for my Dad. Now Mom found herself in long-term-care trying to prove she could do everything herself :(

I seem to have the same issues, Mom's first caregiver was a friend of mine it worked well for a while then I would come home to find that he had done nothing, after a while I would find him sleeping on the couch and that really bothered me. I would like help with the house but my main focus is on Mom, I was luck that the first caregiver decided to leave I do think they also experience burn out, this was not a field that he was trained in just took the job pretty much to help me out, well he needed a job also but I felt good leaving Mom with him he had been my roommate a while back and knows Mom very well so I had piece of mind leaving to go to work. The second caregiver that I hired came in with a bang, cleaning, talking, keeping mom engaged in conversation she had been a god send but its now been 4 months and I'm seeing the same pattern, she does a little around the house. I'm not asking for deep cleaning like I said the focus is on mom but mom sleeps a lot of the day and there is plenty of time to help with the house. I find her doing less and less. I'm a person that does not like confrontation so I have not really said anything but its getting to the point that I need to and not quite sure how to approach this. She is just excellent with Mom and they have become friends, I'm very thankful I can see that they both love each other but Mom seems to be taking on her personality being with her all day, she is a very nice lady but also very outspoken and that is not my mom's personality at all, Not quite sure what to do with the whole situation and believe me its not terrible but I feel like I do need to work on correcting the whole thing just not sure how to approach all of this

Dad hired a cleaning person for the apartment. I hired a friend with skills for his companion care, mostly to make dinner and run any errands with him as his needs are always immediate. He doesn't go out much any more, but she will pick up milk for him or finish up a load of laundry for me. They watch sports together and she keeps him on track. He often asks me why is she coming and he thinks he needs to entertain her. I tell him she is his extra arms and legs so I can get some things done. We communicate daily; she keeps me aware of what he needs and I try to be flexible on her schedule as she needs it. Works really well. Could not do this with an agency.

The CG's that I've hired actually have "socialization" on their list of available tasks. I think maybe that is becoming more and more the norm. I think you have to be clear, in a very polite way, that you don't want or need her/him to be social - unless, of course you don't mind the social side of things.

Mom has a lady on Saturday's for 2 hours to aid in bathing, dressing, bed making, etc. She has started complaining that after she is bathed and dressed the CG then wants to sit on the couch next to her and visit while mom would rather read the newspaper. At this point, I stepped in and called the agency and let them know that I need her to continue her daily tasks of trash and stripping and changing the bed sheets - activities that I do not wish my mother involved with. It took me forever to get her to turn loose of the activity for fear someone would not put the top sheet on just so-so or take the trash to the correct dumpster - so I definitely don't want to have to start over at square one! LOL

Anyway, just be aware that some agencies actually have "socialization" as a paid task, so you might just make sure they don't think this is what they are there for!

My mother looked at the aides we previously provided (before she moved to AL in August of this year) as "friends coming to visit" as well. They would often play cards with her during their 4 hour stays, which was fine as she was at least interacting with someone else. As some of the other posters here have suggested, I made sure that if laundry, light housekeeping or shopping needed to be done, the grocery list and money was there for them and I would text to remind about linen changes, etc. As they are hired help, you have to set the stage for what will be taken care of in addition to the companion aspect of the visits. Good luck!

This is a great topic, and I love all the answers. I've been a home caregiver for 20 years - earlier years I was an effective nurse's aide, so that at least gave me tasks to check on and see as my role. Recently, I'm with a "companion" company, and they switch my location often enough, or I change, as I'm older now - but I can't figure out what housekeeping tasks need doing in someone else's house - truth is, I struggle juggling my own home priorities, keeping things clean, but lost under paperwork, clutter. I found it best when one major chore was assigned for each day of the week - along with some maintenance ones like empty the wastebaskets. So if it was Tues, the vacuuming would be done before I left. I understand how to reassure patients, and I agree, just say this is my job to finish this task before I go, so the elder is agreeing. But it's hard when you come in as a caregiver, into something that is a different routine and house - you don't know where the facecloths are kept, what's the system to separate used and fresh, meantime you're also trying to accommodate the elder - and be a companion - it's best if you can ask any agency to assign no more than 2 caregivers during a work week, on consecutive days if possible - then all have a chance to work out familiar routines - coming in cold is like showing up to be a substitute teacher - the kids can run you ragged, before you figure out what's going on! Finding cooking utensils - cleanings stuff - so assign one or two key chores in a day, and then just smaller maintenance ones.

This service is your paying responsibility, but perhaps if the caregiver is willing, have them wear a uniform with a badge so your mother realizes they are "official" caregivers.

Great suggestions here. If the caregivers are private pay, then make out that list. I went through an agency. When I was having the same problem I asked the agency for a list of what duties were expected and what were not. Then I went over that list with the caregiver. How they handled it was they would tell my mom that they had some things they wanted to do for her before they could visit. Then we would put headphones on my mom while she sat in her favorite chair and listened to some old music she loved. She would just close her eyes and sing and sing. Usually they would finish all of their assigned task with plenty of time for them to sit down and play a card game with her before they left. It worked out very well and gave me a much needed break to take care of other things.

In our family we have had companions for over 4 years at this point. When we were new to it we were more controlling in terms of wanting to direct a lot of details of the day. For us, wisdom learned from experience has taught that stepping back and only controlling what you absolutely have to works best for everyone. It lets them work out the relationship. I hire a separate cleaning lady who in one hour weekly focuses on that type of housework rather than getting the companion to be everything to Mom's needs. Oh and YES, they sleep in their day clothes for 3-4 days at a time...thats par for the course (another surprise I learned through experience).

One of my clients thinks I am her guest and believes she should do what I want to do. This is how I deal with it.
first I chat with her for 15 minutes or so. Then I say that her son asked me to do wash the dishes, make her lunch, etc. Then I ask her permission to do these tasks. She always says yes because she loves her son so much.
After I do my light housekeeping tasks, we go to Starbucks for 30 mins. Then I make lunch, clean-up and leave.
I use her son as the reason that I am doing work.
It easy to overlook what makes them happy or makes them tick in the rush to get something accomplished.
In this case, you need to be direct with the caregivers or write out their responsibilities. Make a new checklist for each day and then see what they did do and did not do. If you do this, you will have a record of their performance. However make sure your expectations are relatistic. Good luck

Thanks all.
To gladimhere, this sounds most like our situation. Cupboards etc been thoroughly cleaned, and the general day to day dusting, etc. was never my mom's strong suit, so it's no wonder she doesn't care if people are helping,. I do have one aide in the am, tbrough a service, helps get mom cleaned, dressed, washes sheets, etc, and that has been a huge help. I am fine w the carer being social w mom, as she still lives at home, and has needed that. But now trying to transition that into more hands on help as needed. I actually start w clean, fed, safe and comfortable, as being a priority. At least mom is accepting of some of that now. And same situation that if mom knew she was paying, everyone would be OUT! (She has the funds, and always told us that she was saving them in case she needed care in her old age, so no problem there)

All the suggestions are great.

Madjos, my mom did not want strangers in the house either. I would never tell her that this person was hired to help. First mom would reject the idea because she thinks she does not need help. Then if she found out they were paid she would have blown a gasket. She is in a memory care facility now, if she knew how much money was spent for that she would probably have a stroke or heart attack.

My suggestion is for you and the caregiver to tell mom CG wants to help YOU by doing some light cleaning, laundry, cooking and whatever else. Some reason like CG lost her mom and enjoyed helping her and misses it so. That worked with my mom.

Be careful on how much you ask CG to do. In my area they will do LIGHT cleaning. This does not include disinfecting cupboards, dishes and whatever else may now be contaminated. This is a big and difficult and time consuming job that I would have professionals do. If CG would do it would you be satisfied with the job done? If CG is good with mom be careful how you threat them. If pushed too hard you will find yourself looking for CG again which I am sure you do not want to do.

After all isn't the CG's job to first care for mom? She can get mom involved in helping to clean cook and do laundry type things. But, that is where a CG responsibilities end.

When I initially hired companions (privately) to help my Mom I did spend the first day with them, showed them areound and what I wanted done. I left about an hour before they did. But I told my Mom that they wanted to work with seniors but needed experience and reference letters to do that. We could help ('my friend') by showing them how to do things and letting them do it. It worked for me but there wasn't a lot of heavy duty stuff to do.Hope this helps.

I have a similar problem with the helpers that come to help us since I shattered my shoulder 8 months ago. If you don't make a list, then they don't do anything, or as you have experienced, just have a social call!!
Make a daily list of what tasks you want done on that particu blar day or evening and go through the list with the helper. You will find that the helpers abide by those lists - no fuss nor hard feelings.

If your Mom wants to go to bed by herself. (Going to bed in her day clothes etc), just let her do it. It won't harm her and will save you from the stress of doing it all yourself.

When the helper arrives, each day "introduce" them to your Mom. "Mom, this is.... who is coming to help us with the cleaning and cooking so You and I can have a bit of a rest." This way, she'll know it's neither a friend nor a neighbor.
Then never mind about the cup of tea. You can always make one for you and your Mom when they've gone after finishing the tasks on your list.
All the best!
Charlotte

You are paying these people, right? Are they hired through an agency?
They are supposed to know how to deal with that kind of thing, it is what they do for a living after all.
I would have a talk with them and detail exactly what it is you hired them to do, emphasizing that its not OK for them to sit down and have tea and a chat when they are supposed to be doing chores to help you.