Why does Mom think it is such a horrible thing to go to a memory care unit? - AgingCare.com

Why does Mom think it is such a horrible thing to go to a memory care unit?


My mother and I share a house. She has dementia which is worsening daily and every time I bring up the assisted living (memory care) issue, we get in a huge fight. It is absolute hell dealing with this and I can feel my years ticking away (58 years old). I'd go, if they would take me!

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stellakat...from someone who gets what you're going through...know that you've done all that you can but you can't stop living your life for your mother, under the circumstances. Dementia knows no bounds and will beat you down. Don't have any further discussion with your mother. Do what you need to do and move her. She won't cooperate. In my opinion and from experience, do this without filling her in and have her belongings moved in and arranged before you or someone else brings her to her new home. She probably won't be happy for a bit. She'll settle some and then go up and down and drag you with her emotionally. But you'll know she's in a good place and you're better off too. She'll ask to go home on a regular basis. Distract her and talk about all the wonderful activities in her new home. She may also accuse you of stealing her things. Don't be dragged into defending yourself (as I've done) but distract and move forward. Best of luck!!
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That is Classic Geriatric Theatre aka manipulative behavior, which I will guess she has demonstrated for years. Don't threaten to leave... you are manipulating back at her. Set the boundaries and stick to them.
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Stellakat....I am sure if you want back 20 or 30 years and had this discussion with your Mom she would have told you then that she would not want to be a burden to you and that she would want you to live your life.
The mother you are dealing with now is not your Mother you are dealing with a disease that knows no bounds in the way it erodes the person. Both the person with Dementia and the people close to that person.

She may say she hates you...she may say that you must not love her....but.
If you can not safely handle your Mom both physically and mentally it is time.
She will get used to having help round the clock, she will get used to a new room, a new routine and new friends. Best of all she will regain the Daughter that she is fast loosing. And you will be a better Daughter and a better advocate for her.
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Could you take her to a facility for a week of respite care? Once she gets there, she may like it, and even if not, that will give both of you an idea as to what memory care would be like -- and it will give you a much-needed break! If she has Alzheimer's, the sad truth is that eventually you will have to place her or else hire 24/7 professional caregivers.

Somewhere on this forum I read a post from a caregiver who put mom in respite for one week every three months, and it was a sanity saver. Think of it as an investment in your health.
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stellakat, I bet your Mom is in her late 80's or early 90's, and that generation saw nursing homes back when such places were asylums.   Dark, dank places with unsmiling faces.   Of course, Mom will fight tooth and nail not to go to such a place.   Mom probably has no idea that most of the Assisted Living facilities are like hotels now a days.

The place my Dad moved, it was so great, that I wanted to move there, too :)

I read this idea on the forum not to long ago... tell your Mom that you are able to get a free lunch, and she is invited to go.   Set up an appointment at the facility and tell them what you are doing.   You could also tell Mom you are searching out places for a friend, and they would want your Mom's opinion.   Moms like to help [I realize your Mom has dementia, but would she be able to still go out for lunch and a short tour?].   She might be pleasantly surprised.

Wouldn't it be great if she spotted an old friend who now lives at the facility?
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Dear Stellakat,

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. Its so tough. Even though your mom doesn't want to go to assisted living. I think Dana has an excellent suggestion.

Have you considered talking to social worker, counselor, family therapist, family doctor? Maybe someone can come to the house to speak with your mom about her options.

I know we want to do right by our parents, but I fear if you continue trying to appease her it will only lead to more anger and resentment and that is not good for anybody. No one likes change at any age, but as your mom's care escalates, its better to start looking at options now.

Take care and I hope your mom will come around. If not, make that tough choice for yourself and preserve your own well being. I know its easier said than done, but don't let the guilt control you. Its not fair.
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I know that sounds sensible but I'm so guilt-ridden about everything, when I say anything about leaving or having her get care, she says "I thought my daughter loved me, but I guess she doesn't"...and believe it or not this destroys me
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My mom lived in my home with me for 3 years. She never believed there was anything wrong with her, that she couldn't take care of herself, and she fought me almost daily on it, always wanting to go "home." When she had to be hospitalized due to pneumonia for a week just after Christmas, I'd already made up my mind she would be going to memory care. Long story short, she has adjusted very well and does not remember even living with me or where she is on a daily basis or even who I am a lot of the time. Awful as it sounds, we were both about done in with each other just before she got sick, with her saying I was going to have to leave "her" house, etc., and the memory care has been a relief for both of us. She never mentions going "home" when I go to see her. I pat her leg and tell her I'll be back. She's on a unit with many just like her with lots of activity most of the time. They are mostly up and out of their rooms in two big central areas for most of the day. I usually help her with lunch now when I go, and we can go to her room, which is nice, if we want quiet. She eats healthier now and seems to enjoy it. She's usually smiling when I come and when I leave her, lol.
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My husband and I moved to an independent/assisted living facility after he developed vascular dementia. I stayed for three years after he died because I didn't want to leave the friends and activities I had there. Finally the cost persuaded me to leave, but I miss it. The good part is that now that I don't have two paid for meals a day, I have lost 22 lbs. I have known several people who think "facilities" are horrible, but are pleasantly surprised when they get there.
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stellakat, I am your sister in this misery. My mother has Alzheimer's. We're in stage 6 now. I spent my health trying to giver her the best possible care, but I reached a point where I couldn't anymore. Listen, you can't die. I know that feeling that you can actually sense your life ebbing away. It's sad that for us, there is no great option. If you want to stay alive and somewhat healthy you will have to move her.

do your due diligence. Contact every facility that's within driving distance. I personally contacted 22 and toured 17 before applying on my mother's behalf. After all that, I only felt good enough about 4 to apply. Of those, one 1 accepted her. There are vast differences among facilities. For example, my mom already had Medicaid when she entered the facility. She got into a unit with all private rooms. At another facility, for the same Medicaid money, by mom could have been in a room with 3 other residents. So you must shop around. Don't just take your mom there and drop her off. The facilities I was interested in, I visited 3-4 times, both formally and informally, just dropping by. I talked to visiting family members as asked, "is this a nice facility? are you happy with the care your loved one receives?" When they answer, take it from there.

As much as you love your mom, you don't owe her your blood. What you do owe her is to get her into the best possible facility and to stay on top of her care, visiting often. Good luck.

As for
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