Passive Agressive. Thats how they get what they want. MIL lived in Fla. Three sons living in Ga, Miss and NJ. She ended up in the hospital for a UTI at 91. She thought one of her sons would get her out of rehab. Nope, all told her once she got better. So, she started acting like she was getting weaker not eating, not doing therapy. Once when I was alone in her room (she was at therapy) her roommate told me MIL had sat up and ate a good breakfast and was talking to her. Thats when I knew she was playing her sons. Well, it backfired on her because she did slowly decline. Telling her she was going to Ga. to a rehab there didn't help. She didn't get a long with that SIL and she was the last person she wanted telling her what to do.
Mom went to her neourologist today. Told him I've noticed that Dementia/Alz people keep their sense of humor. He said people who were nice people to begin with are nice people when they have Dementia/ Alz. If they were mean before they will still be mean. I always said if some is mean in old age and they weren't earlier in life they were just better at covering up. Everyone thought my MIL was such a nice lady. Yes until she didn't get her own way.
You can also try to beat her at her own game. The next time you're embarrassed and put down in front of someone, start crying and through tears explain that you're doing the best you can but you just don't understand why she's so hostile toward you. If you have to, leave the room, go into another room, close the door and sob.
Even if her behavior is manipulative, you may make her feel embarrassed that she's humiliating and accusing you of misdeeds.
I don't suggest this lightly or to be mean, but it may be powerful enough that she recognizes how badely she's hurting you.
It's called Bullsnot. Move her to a facility where the other residents will not tolerate that kind of malarkey. You, see her peers will see through that stuff and call her on it. They might even tell her she was spoiled.
https://www.agingcare.com/Members/Patathome01 Wow! I wished I'd known about doing all that, when Mom was under our roof! That could maybe have made some seriously beneficial intervention. I kept being told there was nothing I could do about it, by police, by social workers, by suicide prevention center call takers, by Area Agency on Aging. I know all those have things they can do--we just kept falling through the cracks between systems. I have a hunch that lots of caregivers and their families fall through cracks like we did. Gotta wonder, what perfect storm of events and bad parenting happened, that so many elders it seems, have these behaviors? It's not just dementia. It's life-long behaviors I'm talking about--that make dementias all that more difficult. Can only pray things get far better, fast. Hope it's not quite as bad with Baby Boomers.
When I took care of my then 92-93-year-old bipolar-afflicted mom during 2012-2013, Mom would control her wants ahead of my needs. Yes, I felt manipulated to the point where family and I arranged an ombudsman and social worker for her, and an LCSW social worker for me to deal with the extreme stress. I advise caregivers who feel manipulated that this behavior is not OK and to obtain professional help.
It's one of two things - as Chimonger said - could be manipulation, but as Jeannegibbs said, it depends on whether Mom was like this all of her life, or if this is new.
If this is a new behavior, it's time for a doc visit to find out what's going on. Believe it or not, a UTI (urinary tract infection) can cause absolutely bizarre behavior changes if not treated and eliminated. With elderly folks, who often have dementia to deal with, a UTI should always be checked out as part of an investigation into new behavior patterns.
We do need more history on your mom's behavior before we can offer much of any other suggestions.
...Manipulation! She's learned how to get your attention, and uses it.
Underneath that gaming, she has real needs and fears....but may not be able to speak of them properly. Some elders are of a mind it's OK to jerk their caregiver kids around....some will roll all the worst frustrating moments gleaned from raising 5 kids, into one game, targeting the caregiver kid. Mine would go on a tirade, yelling things like "....you and your little gold patent leather shoes!!!...."....but I never had those--one of my other sisters had those. Or accusing me of thieving from her, based on a different one of my siblings behavior patterns as a child. It just never stopped.
=== Keep good records; That can be a calendar or a diary, where you make dated entries of events and things said. It can be admissible in court, if necessary, as evidence which might help protect you from her accusations. IF your friends believe what Mom is telling them, which you know is not true...you must then question whether those were actually Your friends, or Hers?
===Do you have any friends you can actually confide in, who will really listen to you? IF not, find some!
===IF those friends Mom is telling lies to, seem to be believing her, invite them over while caretaking is happening, only don't tell Mom they're coming....Kinda guessing she spends most of her time in her room? Closed door? IF that's the case, your friends coming to visit, will hear what goes on, and Mom will be in her room unaware the other person is there, until too late. It's common for some elders to really cry out loudly when left in their room alone. As with a baby, when you make certain they are fed, clean, dry, and as comfy as you can help them be, sometimes there's nothing left to do, but let them cry.
===Have you tried a radio or TV left on, with something eye-catching and calming? Would she watch TV or listen to music on radio?
===Could you check with your local Area Agency on Aging, or else the local Senior Center, to see if they have volunteers who visit home-bound elders? Sometimes a home-bound elder really looks forward to someone coming on a weekly visit to see them, even for a short while.
Sure hope you find just what is needed to help! It's so very hard to go through that yelling and lying. Please see about getting some help to handle it, so you can maintain your own equilibrium!
Even if her behavior is manipulative, you may make her feel embarrassed that she's humiliating and accusing you of misdeeds.
I don't suggest this lightly or to be mean, but it may be powerful enough that she recognizes how badely she's hurting you.
Wow! I wished I'd known about doing all that, when Mom was under our roof!
That could maybe have made some seriously beneficial intervention.
I kept being told there was nothing I could do about it, by police, by social workers, by suicide prevention center call takers, by Area Agency on Aging.
I know all those have things they can do--we just kept falling through the cracks between systems.
I have a hunch that lots of caregivers and their families fall through cracks like we did.
Gotta wonder, what perfect storm of events and bad parenting happened, that so many elders it seems, have these behaviors?
It's not just dementia.
It's life-long behaviors I'm talking about--that make dementias all that more difficult.
Can only pray things get far better, fast.
Hope it's not quite as bad with Baby Boomers.
If this is a new behavior, it's time for a doc visit to find out what's going on. Believe it or not, a UTI (urinary tract infection) can cause absolutely bizarre behavior changes if not treated and eliminated. With elderly folks, who often have dementia to deal with, a UTI should always be checked out as part of an investigation into new behavior patterns.
We do need more history on your mom's behavior before we can offer much of any other suggestions.
Was she like this -- blaming, lying, manipulating -- all her life, or is it something new since she needed a caregiver?
What are her medical issues? How long has this been going on? When does she see your friends?
You are certainly not alone in having these problems. Give us a little more detail so answers can be more specific.
She's learned how to get your attention, and uses it.
Underneath that gaming, she has real needs and fears....but may not be able to speak of them properly. Some elders are of a mind it's OK to jerk their caregiver kids around....some will roll all the worst frustrating moments gleaned from raising 5 kids, into one game, targeting the caregiver kid.
Mine would go on a tirade, yelling things like "....you and your little gold patent leather shoes!!!...."....but I never had those--one of my other sisters had those.
Or accusing me of thieving from her, based on a different one of my siblings behavior patterns as a child. It just never stopped.
=== Keep good records; That can be a calendar or a diary, where you make dated entries of events and things said. It can be admissible in court, if necessary, as evidence which might help protect you from her accusations.
IF your friends believe what Mom is telling them, which you know is not true...you must then question whether those were actually Your friends, or Hers?
===Do you have any friends you can actually confide in, who will really listen to you? IF not, find some!
===IF those friends Mom is telling lies to, seem to be believing her, invite them over while caretaking is happening, only don't tell Mom they're coming....Kinda guessing she spends most of her time in her room? Closed door?
IF that's the case, your friends coming to visit, will hear what goes on, and Mom will be in her room unaware the other person is there, until too late.
It's common for some elders to really cry out loudly when left in their room alone.
As with a baby, when you make certain they are fed, clean, dry, and as comfy as you can help them be, sometimes there's nothing left to do, but let them cry.
===Have you tried a radio or TV left on, with something eye-catching and calming? Would she watch TV or listen to music on radio?
===Could you check with your local Area Agency on Aging, or else the local Senior Center, to see if they have volunteers who visit home-bound elders? Sometimes a home-bound elder really looks forward to someone coming on a weekly visit to see them, even for a short while.
Sure hope you find just what is needed to help!
It's so very hard to go through that yelling and lying. Please see about getting some help to handle it, so you can maintain your own equilibrium!