My Mom tells my friends I mistreat her and fake cries when I leave the room and when I return she's honky dory. What's that called? - AgingCare.com

My Mom tells my friends I mistreat her and fake cries when I leave the room and when I return she's honky dory. What's that called?

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Passive Agressive. Thats how they get what they want. MIL lived in Fla. Three sons living in Ga, Miss and NJ. She ended up in the hospital for a UTI at 91. She thought one of her sons would get her out of rehab. Nope, all told her once she got better. So, she started acting like she was getting weaker not eating, not doing therapy. Once when I was alone in her room (she was at therapy) her roommate told me MIL had sat up and ate a good breakfast and was talking to her. Thats when I knew she was playing her sons. Well, it backfired on her because she did slowly decline. Telling her she was going to Ga. to a rehab there didn't help. She didn't get a long with that SIL and she was the last person she wanted telling her what to do.
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I call it "reverse showboating," pretending to be worse off than better of than she is. All for the purpose of manipulation, of course
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Mom went to her neourologist today. Told him I've noticed that Dementia/Alz people keep their sense of humor. He said people who were nice people to begin with are nice people when they have Dementia/ Alz. If they were mean before they will still be mean. I always said if some is mean in old age and they weren't earlier in life they were just better at covering up. Everyone thought my MIL was such a nice lady. Yes until she didn't get her own way.
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You can also try to beat her at her own game. The next time you're embarrassed and put down in front of someone, start crying and through tears explain that you're doing the best you can but you just don't understand why she's so hostile toward you. If you have to, leave the room, go into another room, close the door and sob.

Even if her behavior is manipulative, you may make her feel embarrassed that she's humiliating and accusing you of misdeeds.

I don't suggest this lightly or to be mean, but it may be powerful enough that she recognizes how badely she's hurting you.
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It's called Bullsnot. Move her to a facility where the other residents will not tolerate that kind of malarkey. You, see her peers will see through that stuff and call her on it. They might even tell her she was spoiled.
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Wow! I wished I'd known about doing all that, when Mom was under our roof!
That could maybe have made some seriously beneficial intervention.
I kept being told there was nothing I could do about it, by police, by social workers, by suicide prevention center call takers, by Area Agency on Aging.
I know all those have things they can do--we just kept falling through the cracks between systems.
I have a hunch that lots of caregivers and their families fall through cracks like we did.
Gotta wonder, what perfect storm of events and bad parenting happened, that so many elders it seems, have these behaviors?
It's not just dementia.
It's life-long behaviors I'm talking about--that make dementias all that more difficult.
Can only pray things get far better, fast.
Hope it's not quite as bad with Baby Boomers.
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You all take on more than I would. I can't take abuse even if its medical. God love u all.
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When I took care of my then 92-93-year-old bipolar-afflicted mom during 2012-2013, Mom would control her wants ahead of my needs. Yes, I felt manipulated to the point where family and I arranged an ombudsman and social worker for her, and an LCSW social worker for me to deal with the extreme stress. I advise caregivers who feel manipulated that this behavior is not OK and to obtain professional help.
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It's one of two things - as Chimonger said - could be manipulation, but as Jeannegibbs said, it depends on whether Mom was like this all of her life, or if this is new.

If this is a new behavior, it's time for a doc visit to find out what's going on. Believe it or not, a UTI (urinary tract infection) can cause absolutely bizarre behavior changes if not treated and eliminated. With elderly folks, who often have dementia to deal with, a UTI should always be checked out as part of an investigation into new behavior patterns.

We do need more history on your mom's behavior before we can offer much of any other suggestions.
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Does your mother have dementia?

Was she like this -- blaming, lying, manipulating -- all her life, or is it something new since she needed a caregiver?

What are her medical issues? How long has this been going on? When does she see your friends?

You are certainly not alone in having these problems. Give us a little more detail so answers can be more specific.
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