My Mom who is 89 and lives with us keeps talking about wanting to go to a rest home.

I would want to understand why she wants to go to a rest home. Is she feeling guilty about the care she's requiring from you? Or does she feel like she needs more help than she's comfortable asking you for? Can you start to gently question her about her thoughts and why she's expressing that desire? That's where I'd start. If she makes good points and it's something you can't resolve, then you could start to do some research. But first I'd want to understand more about why she's talking about that option.

Good morning, Jimmylinn. I would like to add to what Madeaa said. My 89 year old Mother had limited funds also but was the recipient of assisted living in her own home. Medicaid paid for a lady to come five days a week, hours to be determined by the type of help we requested. Mother absolutely loved Cindy, looked forward to her coming and was glowing by the time she left (2 hours a day). Sometimes our elderly are lonely for outside the home interaction. Just because their bodies have slowed them down; doesn't mean their minds can't appreciate social stimulation. I hope you let us know what you decided.

Perhaps she is like my own mother. Mom put my grandmother in a home many years ago. She still insists it was just like a "hotel". Fact was my grandmother was miserable there, and finally lost it mentally.
Mom every so often will say she would be better off in a home. She thinks they wait on your every wish. She also says they feed you whatever you ask for. She has this fantasy that it is a place where old people are entertained, and kept happy all the time.

Trying to figure out what's behind some of the things my mother says keeps me on my toes. I don't know if it's a dementia thing or just her style (passive aggressive), but she rarely comes straight out and says what she means.

So when I read your question, the first thing that came to mind is that your mother may feel like a burden, as others have commented. And my next thought was to wonder if she would benefit from attendance at a day program for the elderly. It would depend on what’s available in your area and the cost of course.

Given her financial circumstances, you might want to speak with her about the type of assisted living or nursing home place where she would have to go. Maybe take her for a visit. And it might put her mind more at ease if you said something about how YOU would feel if she lived where services are quite limited. I know I would be worried constantly and that going to visit and trying to fill in for any gaps in services would take more out of me than having Mom at home.

Another thought is to have someone come in to help a few hours here and there. I read in another discussion on this site that a caregiver hires teenage “babysitters” who charge less than home care agencies. Another possibility could be a neighbor who needs a little extra cash. Some creative problem solving might result in a perfect outcome for everyone. You could let your mother pay for it herself and maybe she would feel less of a burden to you.

Just some food for thought. Blessings to you for a prompt and effective resolution to this issue.

Jimmylin, I think she needs reassurance that she isnt a burden, like she is testing you. Sounds like a very sweet woman, what about Daycare? When my Mom went to Daycare she thought she worked there because she has dementia/alz. She felt so fantastic when they told her she would work for a hotel she folded towels so well. She told me over and over with a huge smile. Most will come and get them and bring them home too. Just tell her how much you love her and love taking care of her to make her feel good. At that age they dont think they have any purpose in life. My Mom used to fold laundry for me or put away the silverwear right from her wheelchair, anything to feel important. Good Luck.

Thanks for all the comments. It has made me think quite a bit. She is unhappy with alot of things about our house. My husband who also has health problems and my children and grandchildren need me and I stay quite busy and can't always include her is what I have to do or take her with me. I know she resents when I have to leave but I always make sure another family member is with her. I have started taking her to the local senior center everyday during the week and this has helped some but as both my husband and I are approaching our late 60's it is not always easy to handle her. We have always been close but our relationship is very rocky at times now. I am thinkling pros and cons. Mom would like the being around people and the structure of you do this at this time etc.I know I am stressed and therefore I react to things she says when I should let it go.
I feel guilty about even thinking about putting her in a home but I have almost decided to check it out as it may be what will make her happy. Prayers are needed as I check this path out .

When we were kids, "rest homes" were not the same as nursing homes, and I don't recall there being any assisted-living facilities as we have today. We had several "missionary rest homes" in Chicago, and I'd go on "visitation" with my parents there. I remember their being cozy, wonderful places--large homes with big kitchens filled with warm cookies, living rooms with melodious pianos and lots of laps! I can see why she'd want to go there. There is one such home (not specifically for missionaries) within a 10-minute walk from my house, but they're a rarity. You might see if there's one in your community.

I would try to find out exactly why she thinks she would be better off in a rest home. However, she will get more care in your home than in most other for profit nursing homes, assisted living etc. Assisted living facilities are expensive and if she has limited funds they are not looking for that type of client.

There are decent church run or related nursing homes but even they run for profit.

Good luck.

My MIL and mother are in their 90s. They have both preferred their AL and NH, to living alone. There are activities all day long. And yes, my MILs is like a hotel. I believe that people of their age, have the right to be where they want to be.

Sounds like a good plan - definitely do what makes her happier rather than what makes you fel less guilty - or else you may feel MORE guilty when you really think about it! I often wished I could have had my parents in my home and even made sure to buy a one-level when we moved 7 years ago. But that was just idealism in our case and I was never able to do it. Mom in particular wanted skilled nursing unless she could be in HER home on HER terms and she would have hated my home for sure. Using facilties rather than home care doesn't sound as homey but sometimes it may be the best choice. When I read how some people consider assisted living places "for people whose families don't love them" it makes me cringe; it is so obviously untrue/simplistic/wrong...you just have to read more stories on here for a while if you don't believe it!