My mom is an extreme fall risk. Ideally, she would sit and read, watch TV, look at magazines, do some scrapbooking and so on, and then let one of us know when she wants/needs something or needs to go to the bathroom.
No. She promises us that she will stay put (while we run out to check the mail or step outside for a minute to talk to a neighbor), and then the second we step out the door, she takes off. Off to wash the dishes (that I will be washing when I get back). Off to take all the books off the bookcase and dust them. Off to do any of a million things that she doesn't NEED to do.
I finally told her today that this is unacceptable, and it has to stop. It's one of two things: Either she is unable to remember that she promised to stay put, or she is willfully being defiant.
She has fallen at least eight times this week. All of these falls could have been prevented if she would just have asked one of us to help. I am at the end of my rope.
We have already incorporated (or have TRIED to incorporate) so many of the suggestions here. She is profoundly contrary, and changes her mind belligerently at every turn.
She has PT and OT scheduled to come to the house. Most times, she refuses to work with them.
We started the power chair evaluation and paperwork in June. It is still in process. I can guarantee you that if/when it finally arrives, she will hate it and refuse to use it.
It was very important to her to lay claim to an upstairs bedroom instead of converting the dining room. We have installed two stair lifts to get her upstairs (with her enthusiastic approval), only to have her say that now that they are installed, she would rather climb the stairs on her hands and knees, and what a bad idea that was.
I took her to the grocery store last night. She has always complained that she was never allowed/able to take her time at the store to see what was new. (Note: For the past 20 years or so, she never went to the store. Her partner did the shopping, and she felt she had no say or control over groceries.) So I took her. Gave her all the time she needed.
When we got home, I got her into the house first, and asked her to take the receipt and as I put things away, she could check them off to make sure it matched. I wanted her to feel she was helping. She promised to sit at the dining room table and wait for me to bring the groceries in. When I schlepped the first load in, I stepped into the kitchen just in time to see her at the sink fussing around, and she would have gone down if I hadn't dropped all I was carrying to rush to her.
By the time that incident was wrapped up, I had to just go into the bathroom and weep for a few minutes. I have severe COPD. I rarely go to the grocery store myself because of the severity of my lung disease. But at the end of a 60 hour work week, I took mom to the store, pushing her wheelchair with one hand and pulling the shopping cart with the other. I knew I would pay the price today, health-wise, but having her not even give me time to get the groceries into the house before being defiant was extremely defeating for me.
I started work at 7 am yesterday. I walked straight to my mom's house as soon as work was over, took her to the store and then kept an eye on her until my brother got home. I got home at 11 PM. I went straight to bed and woke up at 2 AM because I had to throw up and had horrible diarrhea.
I'm not saying that to complain about the time and effort. I'm just trying to say that it's hard for all four of us who are making huge sacrifices of time, energy and, in my case, health, in order to care for her. What makes me angry is that she pushes back on every single little detail.
Mom, my brother and I had a deep talk the other day. She and I had locked horns about her scuttling into the kitchen to get a glass of water, when both my brother and I were right there in the house. We have told her endlessly that if she wants something, she should ask us and not get up to get it herself. We discussed "unnecessary risk". She said, "Well if I'm not going to have any freedom here, then just take me to a nursing home." We reminded her that when she was in rehab a month ago, she constantly begged us to "get her out of there", and that they just made her stay in bed or a chair because she might fall. She seemed to think she would be able to convince them to let her do whatever she wants.
In the space of 105 days, my life has gone from one of peace, kindness and respect to being a life that I don't even want to wake up to anymore. My partner is very supportive (he's a wonderful human being), and I'm used to the mutual support and respect that we have in our lives. I am the primary breadwinner, and have a high pressure job that requires a lot of hours, though it does allow me to work from my home office. Being thrust into a world of defiance, lies, manipulation, venom and zero appreciation is killing me. Literally.
Last month I started losing my balance and experiencing "stacked" vision. Apparently, it's ocular migraines, likely caused by stress. I have lost 30 pounds since this adventure with mom started 105 days ago. And I have no idea how to fix this.
There are also shopping carts attached to the front so you don't even need a separate shopping cart.
I was apparently under the mistaken impression that she lived with you, but in your last message you wrote that you walked to her house. Is she living alone?
Perhaps it's time for a REAL heart to heart talk with your mother as well as time to start investigating places where she could go and be monitored by staff rather than you and your brother. It does seem as though she's just not going to cooperate, and this situation is only going to be exacerbated by her insistence on doing things her way.
She will not use a scooter in stores because they are 1) nasty 2) usually don't work right and 3) people stare at her.
My brother and I feel as though we need to give this our best effort, and we won't feel we have until everything is in place in the home. They are still unpacking, we are still installing appropriate grab bars, etc. and we are still working at mom-proofing things. For example, we are putting babyproofing knob covers on the stove.
My brother said something interesting today. He said it seems to him that she is being passive-aggressively self destructive, and that all of our efforts are just bumps in the road to her ultimate destination. That we are postponing the inevitable. That was a sobering thought, and given how I'm feeling right now, it sounds right on the money.
Gosh, for a moment I thought, "Did I write a post on the forum and totally forgot about it?" Nearly word for word, you restated my situation with my mother. The biggest issue we have is that she now has a walker and will not use it at home and, just like you, if I just go get the mail/paper, anything, BOOM, she is up without the walker. I wish I had some magic answer for where you are now (because I could sure use a magic answer) but here is what I will say. I have made the house as safe as possible. She goes to adult day care 5 days a week while I am work so she will be safe (she lives with me) while I am at work. I have tried to give her modified activities that include her in the household. I have done everything but put her in bubble wrap and tie her to the chair. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am working on changing "me" and how I view the situation. It is either that or I am going to end up with a nervous breakdown/dead. I have told her, "I love you beyond words; I want you to stay home as long as you can; I will do everything to offer you activities and involvement in the household, but if you don't use your walker and you fall, it is out of my hands and you have to accept those consequences." If this is how she copes with what she sees as her loss/diminishing of independence is by really ignoring it, then I guess as long as I have done everything I can, I need to remember the serenity prayer and keep going. Good luck. You are in my prayers.
Carol
You can either tolerate it or try to have her placed somewhere that she is safer. If you tolerate it, she will eventually suffer a fall and end up in rehab. Then, the matter can be revisited.
The issue is the stress she is putting you through while she skates on thin ice. Is this something you can accept? Basically, you are waiting for the inevitable to happen. That's why you are so anxious. To me, if she was thinking clearly, she wouldn't do that to you. So, you have to do what you feel is the right thing.