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My 94 yr old Mom has been in AL for 3 years. She was living alone, hallucinating, calling the police, and started to wander. You know the list....For 18 months she seemed to be adjusting, but Now, she is always nasty when I visit...I "put' her there, what kind of daughter am I , I can go to h*ll, etc. She either yells at me, or completely ignores me, and won't talk at all. I see the other residents, and they appear to deal with their situations in a much better way than my Mom. She is on anti-depressants. She is nice to the caregivers, always wants to see me, but when I visit, my presence agitates her. I have developed a thicker skin, but I feel badly that she is not more content. I wish there was a "happy" pill. Any thoughts??

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Mom used to call me her sister's name. I tried correcting her. Then I decided a coouple weeks ago, what difference does it make? Now, she can't even say that. It is hard.
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Go Home, Go Home, Go Home is what my mom always said since I put her in a board and care. It is heart breaking. 2 years of this mantra. Take it, don't fight it, she cant help it. She is losing her independance, and she is not in control, thats all. Tell her you love her and give her ice cream and happy snacks. I would put a cookie in her mouth. that helped. My mom stopped talking recently, so now I miss this old verbage.
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LizabethT-please do not come here with your judgement. No one gets "fired" from this site for venting. We are doing the best we can and come here for helpful and loving suggestions.
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You might try asking her what she likes about home or what is her favorite thing about home-or discuss memories such as do you remember when....This helps to validate her feelings about home, gets her thought on something else. Hope it works.
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LizabethT, I saw nothing wrong with the words " What to do with Mom" The poster simply wanted advice on how to HANDLE her mother when she would be verbally abusive, and what she should tell her. She sounds like shes trying hard to help her mother, and your snotty comment sure didn't help.
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No shaming on this site. Anybody is allowed to vent, ask questions in their own words, and is entitled to their real feelings. Most people who come here are under GREAT STRESS and in crisis. NO SHAMING the original poster.

Having said that - I recommend looking into the Teepa Snow videos on Youtube. She is a tremendous demetia caregiving educator. I can't say enough about the education she gives. Look for the series about "Making visits valuable". There's a lot more topics than visiting she covers in the series.

She says that "going home" is a normal and common question. It should not be taken literally. Frequently, the home being requested could be a place back in time where the person has happy memories. Or it's a place that doesn't exist anymore and the people they would want around aren't alive anymore. If you did take mom "home", the disruption to the daily routine would be bad news.

There are a lot of caregiver stories on this site of people who did get mom or dad in the car to go home and didn't even get out of the driveway before they wanted to know where they were going, or once they did get home, were very upset over it not being "right", meaning not like it used to be.

Teepa suggests just seeing this request/question/demand for what it is, and say tings like "I wish I could make things like they used to be for you", or draw them out by asking them to tell you what about home they enjoyed the most, or talk about any specific memories they have about home. The goal being to acknowledge the person's need, and then redirect them into something else. It takes a lot of practice to get good at it, but we aren't being graded on this, are we?

I hope this helps you out!
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Did you word that question What"to do" with Mom? Really to do with her with that attitude you shouldn't be allowed near her! And if you didn't use those words I'm sorry and whoever did should be fired from this site!
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I can relate!!! My mother is new to AL (3 months) and it is a broken record. . . HOME!, and, how could I do this to her. Ironically, she initiated it and chose it, but doesn't have the ability to own that and wants out now. Home isn't safe for her for many reasons, not the least of which is the dementia (confusion, memory loss, and frailty that interferes with her daily living). She is abusive, verbally, to me and threatens to revoke her DPOA (me), again, which would only hurt her. I'm on a similar journey and my heart goes out to you. We simply press on to do the very best we can in efforts to keep our loved ones safe and cared for, whether they understand it or not.
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If you are not already aware: AlzheimersHope can be very helpful. The 10 Absolutes and video clips presented can be excellent tools. They recommend distraction. Tell her you would like to go home too and it may help her feel she is not alone.
Please check out this resource & I hope it helps us all communicate better.
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I cannot explain this well so look it up on the internet - but validation therapy is a good way to deal with wanting to go "home" (meaning a happier time pre-dementia). Basically this just means you validate the person's feelings by asking questions like: what was your home like; what is a happy time that you remember; things like that. . . Anyway, there are far better explanations online.
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Nansacola, your exactly right
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My mother showtimes for about 15 minutes, then the dementia kicks in. She cannot hold a conversation, just the same questions over and over and over. Then I will either get "I want to go home." or "Where are you living now?" I can almost predict what she is going to ask.

Thinking back over the 25 years that she lived with me, she did have dementia a lot longer than I thought she did. It just does not happen over night. When she brings up the "I want to go home." I remind her that she is in a better place, and that I cannot take care of her. I put the blame on me rather than on her. Do not carry any guilt of having to place her in AL.
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Of Course she's going to say that.I know I would, BUT do what is the SAFEST option for YOU and your MOM....Do not feel guilty. When I visit my mom and she starts that.I remind my mom how well we get along now etc.Chang the subject,or I say yesterday you loved it here.Be strong!
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It is hard to go through, but check the meds and make sure that there is nothing else going on physically with her. My mom lives with me and occasionally wants to go home, but doesn't know where home is actually. It is hard to make her believe she has been here for several years now and that this is home. Best of luck to you
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My mom has started the "I want to go home" or "I need to get out of here" when she is in her home. Sometimes the sun downing gets earlier and earlier. She has started to talk about calling the police about looking for her dad. Grandpa's been dead 42 years. Neurologist started mom on exelon patch last week. We will see.
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It os
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Wanting to go home sometimes is part of Sundowners where they express wanting things to go back to "normal" It's not easy but thankfully my wife has stopped asking but now she wants her dad who passed in 2004,
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I don't know about a happy pill, but maybe her anti-depressant needs adjusting.
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