What to do with Mom, who still wants to "go home"? - AgingCare.com

What to do with Mom, who still wants to "go home"?

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My 94 yr old Mom has been in AL for 3 years. She was living alone, hallucinating, calling the police, and started to wander. You know the list....For 18 months she seemed to be adjusting, but Now, she is always nasty when I visit...I "put' her there, what kind of daughter am I , I can go to h*ll, etc. She either yells at me, or completely ignores me, and won't talk at all. I see the other residents, and they appear to deal with their situations in a much better way than my Mom. She is on anti-depressants. She is nice to the caregivers, always wants to see me, but when I visit, my presence agitates her. I have developed a thicker skin, but I feel badly that she is not more content. I wish there was a "happy" pill. Any thoughts??

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Mom used to call me her sister's name. I tried correcting her. Then I decided a coouple weeks ago, what difference does it make? Now, she can't even say that. It is hard.
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Go Home, Go Home, Go Home is what my mom always said since I put her in a board and care. It is heart breaking. 2 years of this mantra. Take it, don't fight it, she cant help it. She is losing her independance, and she is not in control, thats all. Tell her you love her and give her ice cream and happy snacks. I would put a cookie in her mouth. that helped. My mom stopped talking recently, so now I miss this old verbage.
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LizabethT-please do not come here with your judgement. No one gets "fired" from this site for venting. We are doing the best we can and come here for helpful and loving suggestions.
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You might try asking her what she likes about home or what is her favorite thing about home-or discuss memories such as do you remember when....This helps to validate her feelings about home, gets her thought on something else. Hope it works.
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LizabethT, I saw nothing wrong with the words " What to do with Mom" The poster simply wanted advice on how to HANDLE her mother when she would be verbally abusive, and what she should tell her. She sounds like shes trying hard to help her mother, and your snotty comment sure didn't help.
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No shaming on this site. Anybody is allowed to vent, ask questions in their own words, and is entitled to their real feelings. Most people who come here are under GREAT STRESS and in crisis. NO SHAMING the original poster.

Having said that - I recommend looking into the Teepa Snow videos on Youtube. She is a tremendous demetia caregiving educator. I can't say enough about the education she gives. Look for the series about "Making visits valuable". There's a lot more topics than visiting she covers in the series.

She says that "going home" is a normal and common question. It should not be taken literally. Frequently, the home being requested could be a place back in time where the person has happy memories. Or it's a place that doesn't exist anymore and the people they would want around aren't alive anymore. If you did take mom "home", the disruption to the daily routine would be bad news.

There are a lot of caregiver stories on this site of people who did get mom or dad in the car to go home and didn't even get out of the driveway before they wanted to know where they were going, or once they did get home, were very upset over it not being "right", meaning not like it used to be.

Teepa suggests just seeing this request/question/demand for what it is, and say tings like "I wish I could make things like they used to be for you", or draw them out by asking them to tell you what about home they enjoyed the most, or talk about any specific memories they have about home. The goal being to acknowledge the person's need, and then redirect them into something else. It takes a lot of practice to get good at it, but we aren't being graded on this, are we?

I hope this helps you out!
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Did you word that question What"to do" with Mom? Really to do with her with that attitude you shouldn't be allowed near her! And if you didn't use those words I'm sorry and whoever did should be fired from this site!
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I can relate!!! My mother is new to AL (3 months) and it is a broken record. . . HOME!, and, how could I do this to her. Ironically, she initiated it and chose it, but doesn't have the ability to own that and wants out now. Home isn't safe for her for many reasons, not the least of which is the dementia (confusion, memory loss, and frailty that interferes with her daily living). She is abusive, verbally, to me and threatens to revoke her DPOA (me), again, which would only hurt her. I'm on a similar journey and my heart goes out to you. We simply press on to do the very best we can in efforts to keep our loved ones safe and cared for, whether they understand it or not.
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If you are not already aware: AlzheimersHope can be very helpful. The 10 Absolutes and video clips presented can be excellent tools. They recommend distraction. Tell her you would like to go home too and it may help her feel she is not alone.
Please check out this resource & I hope it helps us all communicate better.
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I cannot explain this well so look it up on the internet - but validation therapy is a good way to deal with wanting to go "home" (meaning a happier time pre-dementia). Basically this just means you validate the person's feelings by asking questions like: what was your home like; what is a happy time that you remember; things like that. . . Anyway, there are far better explanations online.
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