Should Mom stay in her home or move closer to me?

She is setting the hook, throwing the bait. Don't bite. You will move her and then she will complain about missing her house, her friends, her church etc. Then she will expect you to fill in the gap and entertain her at her beckon call. Go with her to the doctor's office and talk about what her options are. Moving someone with memory problems can accelerate the dementia process, especially if they have been in one home a long time. They will wake up and panic, which means you get a screaming call at 2 AM and have to rush over to her new apartment or call 911 to respond. Driving will be a disaster, she will get lost frequently. Promise me you will talk to the MD before you do anything.

You are doing the right thing with familiarizing yourself with available facilities nearby and options for your mom and you. Also, good idea to discuss with her Dr. and he can help facilitate discussion with mom.

I agree also with ps. My mom is 91, and has resisted all attempts to relocate or make different living arrangements, refused companioncare, outside help, social activities, participation in her own local senior center activities, etc. She complains about being lonely, but won't make changes to alleviate loneliness or try new things in her own community. I live long distance, and she will go out with me but depends on me for any social activity or interaction.

I thought having her near me would be better at one time for similar reasons you give (visiting more often, ablility to take her places, help her with shopping etc), but as time has gone on, I can see that she will depend on me totally and will have no desire to interact with others or develop new friends/activities on her own. I also think that she would have difficulty adjusting to a new place, learning her way around, having to learn new stores, new routines, etc, new doctors, etc.

I agree with you, that it could backfire and she will be unhappy (at least in the short term) and be anxious and want to go back home or tell you that she wishes she hadn't moved. This can be emotionally draining and traumatic for both of you.

I would suggest that you bring her down with you possibly for an extended visit and together visit some places nearby and gauge her input. Take her to your local senior center and encourage her to attend frequently during her visit -- see if she readily makes new friends, is enthusiastic, etc. Return her home and without prompting, see if she frequently brings up the visit, has fond memories, and wants to come back or seriously consider a permenant move. Some AL have respite care -- so if there is an AL in your area that she liked or had interest in, see if she'd be willing to stay for a couple weeks on trial. Its best if she has buy in for the process in order for it to be positive and successful.

Its a difficult decision and a big decision for both her and you and your family; wishing you a good outcome.

I agree with sunflo2. There is no way to tell how this will work out without trying it. Why not try it on a small scale, without committing to anything permanent?

Mom is unhappy where she is. She might also be unhappy if she moves. But will it be easier for YOU to have her unhappy 2 hours away, or unhappy nearby? That is a completely valid way to look at it. We don't know if anything will work for her, so you might as well give strong consideration to your own preferences.

If she has dementia, she is going to decline no matter where she is. Take that into consideration, too.

If she is going to make a significant change, sooner is better than later, in my opinion, while she still has coping skills.

Yes, she might tell you she wishes that she hadn't moved. If she doesn't move, she may continue to tell you that she wishes she could move. I don't see any way to avoid some unpleasantness over this issue. You'll have to do what you consider best (after a trial run, please) and brace yourself for the inevitable fallout, whatever the decision is.

If she has beginning dementia, she should no be driving no matter where she lives. Therefore living in a place that has frequent transportation to places like shopping centers, senior centers, and even casinos can be a plus ... or living where meals are provided, there is a beauty center on site, etc.

You are so wise to be looking at this closely before acting on impulse! I hope things work out well for the two of you.

First of all, please don't feel horrible. You are taking care of your mom and that's wonderful! You know how many seniors have no one to care for them? Too many.

If your mom is willing to move to where you are, by all means move her! The change will be difficult for her at first, but she'll become accustomed to it if you spend a lot of time with her and help ease her through the transition. Just make sure your frequently find ways to remind her the move will be permanent, no going back and forth.

You don't say how close or far away you live from your mom. But if moving her closer to you makes it easier and less stressful for you, that's a good thing for you and your mom. You said she's talked about being lonely and she doesn't go out much or see her friends. It sounds like she isn't really connected to anything where she's living right now.

After several years of failing health, my dad died last summer. My mom took care of him for years and wore herself out physically and emotionally. She often did things physically she shouldn't have done because my father could no longer do them, like lifting heavy objects. At the age of 83 she actually tore her rotator cuff from over exertion. Anyway, my mom is 85 and pretty healthy, but my sibs and I didn't want her living alone. I lived in Denver and drove back and forth between Denver and my parents' home two hours south of Denver every weekend for years. It was really taking a toll on me. Ideally we would have insisted mom move closer to me and my sister in the Denver area, but this was not a practical option for us for a wide variety of reasons, the least of which was not mom's desire to stay where she's lived her entire life. So I quit my job and moved in with her. For me, for our family, for my mom it was the right thing to do.

If you have the means and your mom is willing and able, move her closer to you. Just don't forget to take care of yourself and make sure you have your own life and time to yourself.

If she will eventually need to be near you, sooner is better than later in my opinion. If only my MIL had moved near us when my FIL died, she would have acclimated by now, made new friends, gotten close to the rest of the family and we would not be commuting 2.5 hours to care for her.

Agree with PS. Do not move her into her own place nearer you without first examining every available option. You're going to be looking at ALF before you know it anyway, and that'll mean another move when she's even less able to cope with it - better to get to a long-term choice from here without the halfway house. Sorry for your mother's worries, though; it sounds as if she's in a sad situation. Hope you can help her without ending up with a car crash on your hands. Best of luck.

Here is a good article on the subject of moving our parents: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/Should-Adult-Children-Try-to-Convince-Mom-and-Dad-to-Move-Close-to-them-133263.htm

There are stages to this process; for a couple of years, we moved mom to an IL facility where she was an hour from the two kids who were able to be involved in her caregiving. However, eventually, she had a stroke, which necessitated her being really close by to one of us (I should credit the folks on this site who said to me "why is your mom an hour away, now is the time to move her closer, and they were RIGHT ON). You need to think about what will be best for you when she gets more frail and needs more hands on care. Are you willing to be an hour's drive away or not? Is she? We've always presented this to our mom as "this is what we think you want us to be ==your step up to the plate kids; how can we make this work? We have jobs, kids, grandkids. This is all about us as a family, not just about you". My best line is, "Mom, this isn't working out for us" ie, I can no longer get dragged away from my job, family, obligations at a moment's notice because a light bulb has burned out, or because you think there is going to be a storm. My other ploy was "Mom, my youngest brother is going to have a heart attack after shoveling out his house and then having to come and check on your furnace".Hugs and good thoughts to you.

I'd put her in an asst living community. Since my mthr went to one unwillingly, she has been so much happier, with the social activities already planned and meals with others providing the contact she really wanted but did not realize.

Thank you for the responses. I am definitely going with mom to her next doctors appointment to discuss her options before doing anything. I wish mom had an easier personality that would be fine to live at an Assisted Living Community, but right now, I just can't see her going along with it. That being said, I am touring the ALFs in my town to prepare. I am afraid of something happening to her and having to be a caregiver from 2 hours away.