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Mom is declining faster than expected. I've switched her room in the house to one more accessible and put my son in her room. I've been waiting all day for hospice to deliver a hospital bed so she could come home tomorrow, and they haven't showed up and the transition coordinator says it may now be tomorrow. The neighbors had a party, husband wants to go, doesn't have any sense of propriety or compassion. I'm trying to think ahead of whether to keep my son in mom's old room, cuz I don't know if he wants to sleep in the room she died in. He says I shouldn't be giving him a choice (husband wants to put a pool table in her old room. Just now he calls me away from my frantic efforts to wrap up a few loose ends before she becomes unconscious and can sign things (POA for DMV, etc..she wanted husband to have her car, but if she doesn't sign it has to be probated) to look at a neighbor's truck he's coveting. All he thinks about is THINGS. I could just throttle him right now. I can't imagine how anything could be so cruel. He won't hardly hug me, won't try to comfort me, can't say a kind word, not even, I'm sorry I know it's hard and I'm here for you... he is irritable and angry that I'm bringing her home to die, and I'm a mess with no one to turn to.

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Mom's home safe after a 3 ring circus of fiascos...wrong rx's, out of stock rx's, failed deliveries, delivery of wrong equipment...lord have mercy. I wasn't there when the hospice nurse got there, but hubby was and turned out to be a good thing. He actually is stepping up and helping out and I'm letting him know how incredibly grateful. Now that he sees I will be up every 3 hrs for meds to keep her calm, and sees how weak she is, I think it stirred something in him...I hope he can continue. Heck, I hope I can continue. It's Sunday, so no social worker or anybody else, they say til Tuesday, and there's a help line to call for any reason. And they told me worst come to worst, they have hospice house. It helps knowing there's a bit of a safety net, even if it's a little lower to the ground than I'd like...but at least it's there. You guys are a ray of sunlight in a series of very cloudy and rainy days. I appreciate you more than I can say. You don't really want to vent things like this to the neighbors...and having people understand is amazingly helpful! Off to nap for an hour before the morphine and ativan dose. Peace, my angels.
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Your husband bought those houses *and* included your mother. I think that says something good about him. He did not have to do that even if he wanted a huge house on the river. Talk to your husband about your feelings. You may discover that he has more compassion for you and your mom than you think.
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Do NOT put your son in the same room as a dying person .Unthinkable, and there will be emotional and behavioral repercussions. Your husband is terrified as well. Home Hospice is difficult for many. Even you find reasons to get away from it. You many find both of them will never go in that room again, it will be too upsetting. Please reconsider.
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He just does not get it. "It" being that you have one mom, and she is dying. What are/were things like with his parents? Sure, life goes on, but he really should join you within this present reality. He sees you arranging practical stuff and thinks that means you are ok? Has he seen you just break down and cry or grieve in any way? If he is more dense that discompassionate maybe you can TELL him the things he ought to just get without being told...tell him flat out what you need from him. I.e. BABE. My mother is Dying. Now. I need you to drop everything else and .....
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Ami, you wrote that "He has never been compassionate, why should I expect him to now, I guess. " I guess then that all the suggestions being made aren't going to change him, so perhaps you can shift your focus to what you've done in the past to tolerate or work with this behavior.

I can understand that frustration builds up, but it sounds as though his actions are part of an adult life-long pattern. I think I would try to find ways to either accept or ignore his behavior, or try to focus on the better aspects.

For reasons I've never understood, we women (me included) often try to effect changes that just aren't going to occur. I try to put these into a geometric problem: given x, y and z aren't going to change, what other solutions are there?
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Sounds as though hubby has some mental health issues of his own. Not helpful to you at this time but if you are able to understand them it may make the situation more tolerable for you.
Certainly don't make any long term decisions right now, wait at least a year after Mom's death to do anything life changing. In the meantime don't expect anything from him. For whatever reason he may not be able to give it. For whatever reason he feels the need to focus solely on himself. As far as Mom's car is concerned, the proceeds from that will probably be needed to cover funeral expenses so make sure the titles is in your name so you make the decisions.
Let your son have a say in whether or not he eventually wants grandmas room. He may well prefer to stay where he is, after all it is "his" room. I always say there is never an excuse for bad behavior but sometimes there is a reason for it.
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Amicable, come to think of it, my own (ex) husband was a complete jerk when my dad was dying, and during the funeral. In many ways, it was, sad to say, part of the end game of the unravelling of our 24 year marriage.

I understand that you're rushing about trying to get things done, but take a moment to explain, as calmly as you can, that you need support, not more demands or distractions. His response will be telling.
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Amicable, my guess would be that your husband is behaving this badly because he thinks bringing your mother home is the wrong decision, and it would be easier, less stressful, more practical and ?perhaps he thinks? even more seemly to leave her where she is; and therefore he is being a brat about it.

If, seriously, you are concerned that you will not be able to forgive him for his thoughtlessness verging on callousness right now, you need to tell him so. Straight out: "you are being a complete [insert choice word] to me about this, and if you don't snap out of it and start supporting me I will never forgive you."

If you're downhearted but not surprised, and you are confident you will get over it in time, then do just as Jeanne says, and treat your husband as though he were an eight year old. Which is pretty much how he's behaving.

I'm sorry, this is the last thing you need. Hope you get her home without more obstacles.
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So sorry you find yourself feeling so alone in this situation. Unfortunately some spouses, and siblings can not deal with these emotionally overwhelming situations. As soon as Hospice shows up there should be a Hospice Social Worker visit you. If one doesn't visit...request one! Voice your concerns and frustrations with them. They SHOULD have some suggestions how to get yourself through this. I found the Hospice RN's very compassionate and helpful also.
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Oh, no he is not trying to distract me. He has never been compassionate, why should I expect him to now, I guess. Jeanne, some of the things you said are spot on, I think. I don't have anyone I feel that particularly close to. I was in the military for 20 years and moved around a lot, and growing up my dad also had a job where our family moved around every 2-3 years. My mom was really my best friend. I'm so confused about what to think about my husband. He has gone way over and above the call of duty, buying a house with me and my mom for her to live in, fixing it all up to sell when she got to live alone, and buying a bigger house so that she could live with us. He has made some very big sacrifices and I'm so grateful for that. But also, to be honest part of this was sheer ambition, because he knew this was the quickest path to getting the big house on the river to show off to his family. Sometimes when it comes to words, he can be so irritable and mean, and then I snap back at him. I wish I could build a bridge between us somehow. I just want to be able to look back on this and say, he was there for me during the hard times. I just want him to say something kind and hold my hand. I just want to feel like our marriage is one I can be proud of.
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Amicable; could it be that your husband is trying to distract you from the very sad fact that your mom is dying? My dad did that a lot when my grandma was dying. It was the only way he could figure out to keep my mom from dwelling on the fact that she was losing her mom.
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Amicable,
I'm sorry your husband isn't being supportive when you need him most and is making an already hard time even harder.Mine wasn't very supportive either but was helpful when HE felt like it......I had to be ok with Mother and didn't have anyone to talk to so I wrote anything and everything in my journal and came to this awesome,caring website Agingcare where so many kind people have helped me.They will help you too and soon Hospice will be there and they will help you figure a lot of stuff out.Comfort for your dear Mom is the main thing.
I'm sorry you are going through this.Take care as best you can,Lu
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I'm sorry for your mom. I take it the husband is yours? He could be upset as well, just not in front of you. Some men were taught not to show emotion, which again he could be doing.
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Will Mom be less confused, more comfortable in her own room where she was before?

Try not to be ashamed of your efforts to make a comfortable space for your Mom.
It is all part of the whole picture a woman experiences in trying to bring order out of chaos, making a comfortable nest out of what is mostly out of your control.

This is not the same, but when there is an earthquake, an aftershock, or a threat of one, you will find me changing the funiture or rooms around, by myself. It brings me comfort to put a physical action to my fear.
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It would be ideal if everyone were a comfort and a support to their spouse in times of need. That is an ideal that is often -- but not always -- fulfilled. Some people who can't/don't full that need are simply cruel and self-centered. But many are prevented by their own emotional needs, family history, anxiety, etc.

You are a mess and have "no one to turn to." Since you are a married woman, that is sad. It is a shame you can't turn to your husband. But for whatever reason, you can't. So ... what would you do if you were single? Arrange to get what you need in spite of your husband's lack of support.

1. Bring in a cousin, sibling, the friend you've had since girl scouts, a religious leader -- someone you can be yourself with and who will support you.
2. Since your husband is not supportive right now, be glad when he is out of the picture, looking at trucks or at a neighbor's party.
3. Don't make any long-term decisions right now. You are in a state of emotional turmoil. Decisions you make hastily you may regret when your emotions and your life is more stable.
4. Don't worry about "propriety" or about how your husband's actions might look to others. We mourn in our own ways, and react to life changes in individual ways. You are only responsible for your own actions. Too bad he can't be more compassionate right now, but give him a pass on the "propriety" issues.
5. Focus your energy on preparing to care for your mother and also giving attention to your son and (to the extent he welcomes it) your husband. This is not the time to be deciding whether to buy a pool table or how to use various rooms in your house in the future. The present needs your attention. Defer as much as you reasonably can to deal with in due time.

He wants to look at a truck. You want to arrange what is going to happen to Mother's car. It seems to me that you both are concerned with things. That is perfectly OK -- things make up a large part of our lives and acquiring them, maintaining them, enjoying them, passing them on, etc. is part of our living. Again, you are understandably emotional now and I'm just trying to advice you not to make permanent or hasty judgments about your husband's behavior. If he is, in fact, overly-focused on things that will still be true, presumably, next month or next year. You can decide how to deal with that then.

Right now get the support you are missing from your husband from some other source. Focus on what needs to be done now. Deal with the future as it arrives, not sooner.
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Amicable,
So sorry that this is happening to you, your Mom, and family.

You are right to think about other's feelings too, such as where your son will be comfortable after your Mom comes home, and then passes in what is to be his room. It is a family affair, and seeking their input might improve your choices.
Your Mom will need quiet, and the room convenient to the front of the house will have staff, visitors, and your sons friends coming and going. Not conducive to the best environment for someone very ill.??
You could have hospice come out to make an assesment of the room and family dynamics. Rather than think of her as being pushed to a farther away room, think of it as a sanctuary space, maybe near a rear exit where staff can come and go.
Even a two-room space sectioned off for her needs.
I don't know your home, so I am just guessing at logistics here.
You say your husband is already angry. Stay on here long enough for others to come alongside of you, tell you their stories, offer some help.
I am so sorry that my suggestion is only about the space, things, at a time when your world is being crushed from the hurt of what you are going through.

My heart goes out to you, and have concerns how you will be doing a few months from now. You can consider this your cyber-family, and now you do have others to go to, a place to turn, with others who have only recently been where you are at now.
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He could be resentful but could also be deflecting his own anxiety and concern. Or it could be that he wants more attention himself.

I guess one of the issues would be how sensitive and supportive he is or has been in times other than when death is just around the corner.
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