Mom is starting to die and my husband is being awful. - AgingCare.com

Mom is starting to die and my husband is being awful.

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Mom is declining faster than expected. I've switched her room in the house to one more accessible and put my son in her room. I've been waiting all day for hospice to deliver a hospital bed so she could come home tomorrow, and they haven't showed up and the transition coordinator says it may now be tomorrow. The neighbors had a party, husband wants to go, doesn't have any sense of propriety or compassion. I'm trying to think ahead of whether to keep my son in mom's old room, cuz I don't know if he wants to sleep in the room she died in. He says I shouldn't be giving him a choice (husband wants to put a pool table in her old room. Just now he calls me away from my frantic efforts to wrap up a few loose ends before she becomes unconscious and can sign things (POA for DMV, etc..she wanted husband to have her car, but if she doesn't sign it has to be probated) to look at a neighbor's truck he's coveting. All he thinks about is THINGS. I could just throttle him right now. I can't imagine how anything could be so cruel. He won't hardly hug me, won't try to comfort me, can't say a kind word, not even, I'm sorry I know it's hard and I'm here for you... he is irritable and angry that I'm bringing her home to die, and I'm a mess with no one to turn to.

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Mom's home safe after a 3 ring circus of fiascos...wrong rx's, out of stock rx's, failed deliveries, delivery of wrong equipment...lord have mercy. I wasn't there when the hospice nurse got there, but hubby was and turned out to be a good thing. He actually is stepping up and helping out and I'm letting him know how incredibly grateful. Now that he sees I will be up every 3 hrs for meds to keep her calm, and sees how weak she is, I think it stirred something in him...I hope he can continue. Heck, I hope I can continue. It's Sunday, so no social worker or anybody else, they say til Tuesday, and there's a help line to call for any reason. And they told me worst come to worst, they have hospice house. It helps knowing there's a bit of a safety net, even if it's a little lower to the ground than I'd like...but at least it's there. You guys are a ray of sunlight in a series of very cloudy and rainy days. I appreciate you more than I can say. You don't really want to vent things like this to the neighbors...and having people understand is amazingly helpful! Off to nap for an hour before the morphine and ativan dose. Peace, my angels.
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Your husband bought those houses *and* included your mother. I think that says something good about him. He did not have to do that even if he wanted a huge house on the river. Talk to your husband about your feelings. You may discover that he has more compassion for you and your mom than you think.
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Do NOT put your son in the same room as a dying person .Unthinkable, and there will be emotional and behavioral repercussions. Your husband is terrified as well. Home Hospice is difficult for many. Even you find reasons to get away from it. You many find both of them will never go in that room again, it will be too upsetting. Please reconsider.
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He just does not get it. "It" being that you have one mom, and she is dying. What are/were things like with his parents? Sure, life goes on, but he really should join you within this present reality. He sees you arranging practical stuff and thinks that means you are ok? Has he seen you just break down and cry or grieve in any way? If he is more dense that discompassionate maybe you can TELL him the things he ought to just get without being told...tell him flat out what you need from him. I.e. BABE. My mother is Dying. Now. I need you to drop everything else and .....
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Ami, you wrote that "He has never been compassionate, why should I expect him to now, I guess. " I guess then that all the suggestions being made aren't going to change him, so perhaps you can shift your focus to what you've done in the past to tolerate or work with this behavior.

I can understand that frustration builds up, but it sounds as though his actions are part of an adult life-long pattern. I think I would try to find ways to either accept or ignore his behavior, or try to focus on the better aspects.

For reasons I've never understood, we women (me included) often try to effect changes that just aren't going to occur. I try to put these into a geometric problem: given x, y and z aren't going to change, what other solutions are there?
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Sounds as though hubby has some mental health issues of his own. Not helpful to you at this time but if you are able to understand them it may make the situation more tolerable for you.
Certainly don't make any long term decisions right now, wait at least a year after Mom's death to do anything life changing. In the meantime don't expect anything from him. For whatever reason he may not be able to give it. For whatever reason he feels the need to focus solely on himself. As far as Mom's car is concerned, the proceeds from that will probably be needed to cover funeral expenses so make sure the titles is in your name so you make the decisions.
Let your son have a say in whether or not he eventually wants grandmas room. He may well prefer to stay where he is, after all it is "his" room. I always say there is never an excuse for bad behavior but sometimes there is a reason for it.
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Amicable, come to think of it, my own (ex) husband was a complete jerk when my dad was dying, and during the funeral. In many ways, it was, sad to say, part of the end game of the unravelling of our 24 year marriage.

I understand that you're rushing about trying to get things done, but take a moment to explain, as calmly as you can, that you need support, not more demands or distractions. His response will be telling.
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Amicable, my guess would be that your husband is behaving this badly because he thinks bringing your mother home is the wrong decision, and it would be easier, less stressful, more practical and ?perhaps he thinks? even more seemly to leave her where she is; and therefore he is being a brat about it.

If, seriously, you are concerned that you will not be able to forgive him for his thoughtlessness verging on callousness right now, you need to tell him so. Straight out: "you are being a complete [insert choice word] to me about this, and if you don't snap out of it and start supporting me I will never forgive you."

If you're downhearted but not surprised, and you are confident you will get over it in time, then do just as Jeanne says, and treat your husband as though he were an eight year old. Which is pretty much how he's behaving.

I'm sorry, this is the last thing you need. Hope you get her home without more obstacles.
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So sorry you find yourself feeling so alone in this situation. Unfortunately some spouses, and siblings can not deal with these emotionally overwhelming situations. As soon as Hospice shows up there should be a Hospice Social Worker visit you. If one doesn't visit...request one! Voice your concerns and frustrations with them. They SHOULD have some suggestions how to get yourself through this. I found the Hospice RN's very compassionate and helpful also.
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Oh, no he is not trying to distract me. He has never been compassionate, why should I expect him to now, I guess. Jeanne, some of the things you said are spot on, I think. I don't have anyone I feel that particularly close to. I was in the military for 20 years and moved around a lot, and growing up my dad also had a job where our family moved around every 2-3 years. My mom was really my best friend. I'm so confused about what to think about my husband. He has gone way over and above the call of duty, buying a house with me and my mom for her to live in, fixing it all up to sell when she got to live alone, and buying a bigger house so that she could live with us. He has made some very big sacrifices and I'm so grateful for that. But also, to be honest part of this was sheer ambition, because he knew this was the quickest path to getting the big house on the river to show off to his family. Sometimes when it comes to words, he can be so irritable and mean, and then I snap back at him. I wish I could build a bridge between us somehow. I just want to be able to look back on this and say, he was there for me during the hard times. I just want him to say something kind and hold my hand. I just want to feel like our marriage is one I can be proud of.
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