My Mom is so negative all the time, no one will call her any more. How do we handle this?

NomdeVoyage - you really should check narsisstic mothers - just google it and there is tons. I never really associated that with my mother until I started reading. There are 9 characteristics for narsisstics and to be consider having a personality disorder you need 5 - my mother has 7! My mother did the same thing - would want me to sit with her while she watched mindless tv and talked through the entire show about nothing and criticized everyone - her biggest thing is hair - mine in particular - it is long and curly - hers is short and straight...says I am too old to wear long hair (57). Thanks.... Anyway I got the book will I ever be good enough (kindle) and it too is very helpful. So sorry that you have such negativity - it is so hard to stay positive - I have just started leaving. It helps.

@ EmilyM.....just wanted to comment on your wonderful attitude.
When my Mom would be a little "uptight" and complain....I just let her talk and let her get it out of her system, while I focused my thoughts on other things, while she was talking. I just told myself, that I would rather have her complain, than to not have her in my life and NOT alive, so therefore, I was able to adjust.
I am sure, as we ALL age, we will ALL have some issues, that someone else won't be able to tolerate. After all.....in our VERY late years, what do we have to look forward to, but, coming closer to the end of our time on earth. I'm sure, that wouldn't put anyone, in great spirits.

My mother's nickname was "Sunshine" as she always had a smile and a positive attitude. Now, at 93, she complains about everything and everyone. She says things that are unkind and even rude. I used to always correct her. Then her doctor told me that one of the first signs of senility was a loss of social skills. So now I just listen and redirect the conversation, without judging. Her last years are filled with pain and suffering and it is heartbreaking. I let her complain and don't judge so as to validate her feelings. She won't be here much longer, so why annoy her even more. Patience is a virtue!!!

I have a similar problem, and I'll try to spare you all the background, but I have a great deal of bitterness towards her for terrible things she has done to me. Still, after her second hip break in 6 months, I have left the foreign country where I have made my home to be her sole caregiver.

None of this is important right now. My Mum and ( late ) Dad were always very critical people, and I fight very hard to be just the opposite. When I am able to take a break, Mum likes me to watch TV with her, pretty simple stuff. Still, it is driving me crazy trying to be tolerant and sweet when SO many comments on any given show bring comments like, "Those are the ugliest shoes I have ever seen." "Does he *really* think he's good-looking with his hair that way?" And even, "Aunt Bee is so stupid." "Why doesn't Opie just shut up?!"( Her favourite show! )

Having said all that - it's almost impossible to "just get away from her". It's a big house, but we're usually both in it 24/7 ... sometimes for as much as a week without leaving. Here's my question : Is there anyway to combat such negativity, and over such stupid things? I've tried just saying, "Mm, hmm", but after a while, I just want to scream, "What does it matter?! I DO like those shoes!" Does anyone have a good webpage/blog/support group/advice? There's not a thing wrong with Mother's head, and I go out of my way to say things like, "What a pretty blouse! My, she is an awfully funny girl."

Help!

My mother is also negative with an extremely low threshhold in dealing with her frustrations. She does not suffer from Dementia as of yet. She would prefer to put all her wants, needs, wishes and desires onto me. She is a recluse and complains about being lonely. I live an hours drive from her and work. I cannot give her the availability she wants from me. She has always been an emotional drag on me and her getting older is getting worse. I just don't have any more emotional strength to deal with her. I do not wish her dead, just kind of disappear to let me live in peace.

No - you definitely are not alone. I always thought my mom was that way because of her drinking...but since her stroke and living in asst living - it hadn't changed. I really would advise checking out narcissism - it may give you some tools to deal with her. For my entire life I have tried to please my mother - and would have these little glimmers of hope when she decided to be nice - which she definitely can be - and puts on a fantastic show for friends - but now realizing this is what her situation is - and finally realizing it isn't me - I started counseling. Telling the counselor some of my experiences I said it sounds so much worse out loud! Lol! It's all about boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!

You are not alone in dealing with this issue. I also have a mother whose glass is always less than half empty. She sees no reason to change or consider other options to think about. She almost always brings up how "America isn't America anymore" and there aren't many "real Christian Americans" left. It's funny that some of the same behaviors she accuses others of, she practices herself. A long time ago, I mentioned that the Bible says "Judge not lest ye be judged"; she responded that she wasn't afraid of being judged. In reading articles, I have determined that she has a narcissistic personality. I listen to her repeated rants, don't respond, and when she stops talking, I either make a comment that was on the topic we were having prior to the rant, or change the subject to something else. I no longer give in to a back and forth with her on these topics because it's pointless. We're 3000 miles apart so I don't have a lot of interaction although I could care for her better if she were closer. She refuses to consider moving. She's in her mid-70s and tells me that if I ever hear that she has dropped dead to get down on my knees and thank God. She isn't suicidal but no longer wishes to be alive because the world isn't the way she'd like it to be. I have mentioned it but she would not consider taking an antidepressant. She doesn't like taking pills of any kind. The only way I got her to take her blood pressure pill was to impress upon her what her life would be like if she had a stroke and she ended up in a hospital or nursing home. She doesn't like to be touched by anyone...including family. I try to keep in mind that she's the only mother I will ever have. I try to keep in mind that the Bible says to honor thy mother and father. It doesn't say only honor them if they are the way you'd like them to be. They say you can choose your friends but not your family. This is true. If I wasn't related to my mother, she would not be in my list of friends. But she is my mother and I love her...I just don't always like her comments. I think it might be helpful if you could ask some of the others to call once a week and set a 30-minute timer. When it goes off, end the call. I sometimes hold the phone away from my ear when my mother goes on one of her rants but I internally feel better knowing that I have at least made the call hoping in some way it makes her feel a little better. But I don't let her negativity affect my life. Hang in there and take some comfort in knowing that others know what you are going through and can sympathize with you.

Wow and here I thought I was the only one who has a very hard time being around my mother. It is a terrible thing to feel. My mom isn't so much negitive about everything. But never has anything nice to say about anyone. Including her friends. Some of which our my aunts (dads side). When ever I ask ( after they have been so kind as to come and take her out) How the day went. I get Boring all she has to say is how they only want to drive her to get her gas money, all they talk about is all there health issues. ect... It is drainning and frustrating. And has got twice as bad with this disease. But I do always try and say something positive to counter act her negitive behaviour. Nice to hear I'm not alone in the guilt I feel for not speding more time with her. Wonder what she has to say about me when I'm not there. lol

I am usually on the dysfunctional family forum and I have a very negative, demanding, jealous,blame and shame mother. Add a stoke and aphasia to that...I had described some things on that forum and was advised to google narcisstic mothers and thier daughters. It was mind opening and I am working on that now - and I realized that iwill never make her happy as my father never was able too either. Sometimes - if the keeping it positive doesn't work and she has a history of being like this - she may have a personality disorder. If that is the case - you need to get her to the doctor before she moves in with you. Call the doctor prior and have a private chat about the issues. My mother was put on Serequel with is anti anxiety - and it was awesome for months, until her body adjusted to the low dose - but may be long enough while she is living with you. If it turns out that she does have a personality disorder, I would look for other alternatives for full,time arrangements as they can suck the life from you. Just because they brought us into the world it does not mean that we are obligated for our life.

I don't know how far your Mom has slipped into dementia. Mine is fairly far along. She gets into negative moods too and have found disagreeing with her doesn't help but makes it worse. Instead I try to remember to agree with whatever she is finding fault and add that life just isn't fair but it's the way it is and then try to redirect her attention or activity to something else. It does help. We have also noticed she does it more when she is tired.

My mother is the same way, so I can relate totally. Mine has been negative and angry all her life, and you are right....a little dementia seems to make it all increase. I've read a couple books about setting boundaries that helped me, because I was totally controlled by both my parents long after I married and left home. Mom knows just what to say to instill the guilt...and yes...make me feel like it's my job to 'make' her happy. Impossible! So after my 'lessons', one technique that seems to help me now is to say to her, when she's complaining is: "Well....what could be done to fix that?" " Do you think I should do something about it?" IF she says YES I SHOULD...then I say, "Well tell me what you would do?" Most of the time, she can readily admit that neither she nor I can do a thing about it (for example, my Dad with his dementia that required placement, is just NOT going to get better and come home with her!) No matter how sad it all is....UNLESS she wants to bring 24/7 caregivers into her home with him, he cannot be at home. She still tries to keep a pristine home....and doesn't want anyone in there with her or him....so Dad at home is not an option. Another thing she does is relate in her complaining how 'everyone else has FAMILY who do this or that for them' It's not true....as I know most of her 'everyone else's'...but it's a button to push...since I am the only family and I live 5 hours away with a husband and a business to run! She thinks I should solve her every complaint about the facility and the staff and the food etc. She thinks I should come more often and I should 'do her feet' and I should get his office cleaned out....and on and on. Finally, I had to tell her point blank, that I could not 'move in' with her and she could not 'move in' with us....so we had to work with the cards that were on the table. I AM the only family close by, as both of our daughters have moved out of town or to another state with their families. Sometimes I get so irritated with her, I just tell her that she and I both know that 'everyone else' doesn't have their family constantly around doing things for them...and give her an example of one her friends who is much older than her, lives alone and has kids out state. Maybe some of these ideas will work with your Mom. My caseworker has to regularly remind me that my ONLY job here, is to keep them both safe. I cannot fix their personality issues...especially when they are not new. If a parent won't take meds; won't accept in home help that will provide some of the stuff she would like 'family' to do and other things to make her later years more easy....then I have to revert to paying their bills, handling financial decisions and keeping them both safe. I cannot provide happiness. More people need to somehow learn, that happiness comes from INSIDE the PERSON and it's a matter of looking at the situation in a different way and changing what can changed. I personally think it helps to have GOD in your life too. I notice that the most unhappy people I know do not have a relationship with GOD and the most happy ones do have a relationship with Him. But that's a personal decision too. I loved the idea of limiting the amount of time in her presence. That would help me a lot, but when I have to go, I am having to stay at her house, so it's a concentrated 24/7 period for me. I cannot take it more than about 4 days at a time. I hope my ideas and experiences help you somehow!

I was wondering if living through the Depresssion & WW2 did something to that generation. My mom is 76, and came out of a desperately poor, rural childhood that was absolutely not a happy time. She and her silblings won't even talk about it. If our elders came of age in the 40s-50s, people just didn't talk about their problems like we do today, especially in any kind of mental health context. Those problems were forbidden to speak of. You just sat on it, internalizing whatever it was eating at you and probably drank or took a lot of valium. I am wondering if we are seeing the effects of that now, and how it can destroy your life and mind if you don't really purpose to get past "it" as early as possible in your life. I wonder if the folks from the same era who were determined to not be negative and let life get them have mostly positive personalities now. It would be an interesting study.

Hugs and sympathy. My mom has been a professional Negative Nancy her whole life. When I saw the "Kreature" house-elf in one of the Harry Potter movies, he reminded me of my mom so much! Grouchy, grumbling under his breath, looking at everyone with complete disdain. Yup, that's mom.
She wouldn't know happy if it bit her on the behind, and seeks the negative regardless of how brightly the sun is shining or how beautifully the birds sing. Part of is is her brain chemistry and the fact she refuses to take her Prozac. Part of it is long-term self talk and training her mind to be negative with non-stop messages to herself about how awful everything always is. Part of it was her own decision to be negative decades ago. I remember her & dad having fights about it all the time. She's lost the few friends she did have, and the family won't have a thing to do with her, but it's all "their" fault she's an isolated shut-in somehow. When we talk on the phone, I won't tolerate the negative. If she starts that b.s. up, I have a real fast reason to get off the phone. When she moves in with me in a few weeks, I plan on just walking away from it. We have a house rule about being negative for its own sake - we don't do it. While she's in our house, she has to follow the same rules as everybody else, or go to her room and shut the door until it passes or it's time to take a prozac.

My Mom has always been negative she has several different problems one among them is Parkinsonism or NPH. Depression medication gave her many side affects. Her doctor recommended 5-HTP. You can find it at Walgreens or Wal-Mart. It is all natural and my Mom takes 50mg a day you can increase it to 100mg. Ask your Mom's doctor about this, my Mom has changed 360 degrees. It made all the difference in the world. 5-HTP is converted by the body to serotonin, which is a major neurotransmitter of the central nervous system. It naturally boosts your mood. I'm seriously thinking of taking it myself. Please check with her doctor first though. Good luck

I feel for all of you. It is nice to know we are not alone in our care giving struggles isn't it? My mom sounds so much like all of yours. The glass is always half full. Prone to depression and self pity. I have learned that I am not responsible for her happiness. I do the best I can to take care of her, but I refuse to be dragged down in her negativity. I have two young children to raise. I can't afford to be dragged down to the depths of depression and self pity with her. I think it is unfortunate that some people are just happier in their own pity party. I will admit that my mom has lost a lot, but she still has a lot too. We have all acknowledged that. There is nothing that can be done to change what is lost. We have all suffered in this turn of events and although she acknowledges that, it doesn't stop her from being negative. So I am learning to try not to feel guilty about not wanting to spend to much time with her. I like what Alwayslearning said about the rules in our lives that we take for granted and there is one to only spend so much time in a toxic environment. I know we all love our mothers, that's why we are care giving for them. Coming to this sight also helps me because I realize that it could be worse.
My mom does live with us and is only 57, but she is still healthy enough physically and mentally to take care of herself (personal hygene, mobility for short periods, taking care of what medication she has to take) I am very fortunate that way. She has short term memory loss and repeats herself a lot. Whenever we go out, it is the same stories over and over again. She is also very judgmental of other people, which drives me crazy! She always has been. I just try to take it lightly or change the subject. I also keep a journal and have other friends and family to talk too. It helps to be open about these things. I wish you all health and happiness.

I am usually on the dysfunctional family forum and had written about my very negative, selfish, jealous,demanding mother who had a stroke. Now we add aphasia and rage. Someone on that forum told me to google narcisstic mothers and their daughters. It was as if someone took all the info from my brain and described almost perfectly my mother. She could have a personality disorder if she had always been negative and with age it gets worse. I limit my visits to 1 hour at most and you have to set boundaries for yourself with her. If some of the suggestions about trying to keep it positive doesn't work then yes- she needs to see the doctor. I recommend calling the doctor first for a private chat and then bring her in. My mom was put on Serequel and for months it was wonderful! It is anti anxiety and she was soooo much better. Her body had adjusted to the dosage and now she is bad again- but it may help during the period she is in your home. Don't let her move in permanently with you - you need to choose life - your life! Just because they gave birth to us doesn't mean we are obligated to allow them to suck the life out of us.

I can so understand where you are all coming from. It is so hard dealing with a negative person. My Dad is 91 and in a nursing home. My mother is 86 in housing of the elderly and doing pretty good for her age. What ever I do for her is never enough. I have tried my very best to do it all and just can't. Found by limiting my time with her helps. I am a very positive person and I refuse to let her take me down. The guilt is the hardest. She is my mother and I love her but can't handle the abusive she sends my way. Wish you all the very best in your situations.

Could write a book about my neagative mum and how it distroyed her life and look at her now and think things could have been so different if she just learned to be content but something happened to her when she was younger and theres nothing I can do now about that or her we cannot give them back thier lives and make it better BUT we can care for them tell them we love them and do whats right I know now after years even before she got dementia that I will never make my mum a happier person she is angry and unhappy about her life and how it didnt turn out how she imagined and that is NOT our problem we cant live thier lives for them OR change thier personalities. What we can do is be thankful that we CAN make our lives happier and comfort in the fact that we will never end up so negative. I used to feel guilty about not being around my mum much or should I say wanting to be around her but not anymore ive tried everything I can to make her life happier but its no use and ive given up I now CARE for her and thats all I can do when she dies she will find her peace and all i can do now is wish her peace when the time comes.

I hear you. My mother is the champ at complaining and running my sister down. She has gotten some better, in the nursing home. Activity, seeing others, eating and being stimulated (dressing, bathing, hair app't.) has helped 100%. How is your mom's hygiene and diet?

Oh it is soooo hard...my mom is the same way...she is soon 90....Has lost so many friends....she gets mad due to her negativity and then will not spreak to them again...won't go back to the senior center...won't go back to the legion...doesn't like anyone at her apt. Yes, xanax helped for a couple of months but then she told the doctor she didn't like taking it and he says she is alert and can make up her own mind so we are back to square one. We take her to the campground with us and she kept embarrasing me in front of everyone by complaining constantly and telling people I care more about my dog than her. I finally broke down a few weeks ago and spoke my mind. She has been a little bit better but she now blames my husband and says he doesn't like her. I tried to tell her that he doesn't like the way she treats me anymore....but she just ignores what I say. I have tried the same thing of "fixing" what I can. She has macular degeneration so she is losing her eyesight so we can't do anything about that...but I have her set up next week to go for a hearing screening with the hearing impaired to get aides. Hopefully we can help her to hear a little better. But, she would rather have something to be mopey about than look on the bright side of anything. So hard to be around.

Ohhhh yes my friend. I feel your pain. At first I agree with her then slowly I move to more positive things then I try to be very positive with MIL till I leave....I always try to leave on a high note.
Little things. You'll never get that in that bag...I'm almost out of medicine you'll never get it on time, I can't do anything I'm 80 years old. The list goes on. So with every negative I agree and look for my opportunity to redirect and stick with it. It takes practice to find out what works. I have found that everyday I have to try stuff to keep things fresh, some work, some don't but I stay diligent not only for her but for my sanity. Tomorrow is my monthly caregiver support group....I can't wait, I always feel new after. I hope I could help......

Throw some dementia on top of this which leads to constantly repeating these negative comments and you're in my world. My mother is so lonely, and I have to constantly hear about it. I have tried so hard to help (suggested assisted living, or roommate, or dog, etc.), but she doesn't want any part of that. I keep telling myself that I can't fix her, but part of me keeps wanting to try. I realize her dementia is just getting worse, but she won't go to doctor, or take medicine, for it. She is in complete denial. She knows she is getting more forgetful, but she says "everyone is more forgetful, it's not just me". I know the time is coming when she won't be able to live alone any more, and it scares me to death to think she may have to come live with me. Then, I feel guilty for just making that statement! Help!

I am no expert, but will be happy to share my experience. My mother is very negative too, but not to the point that people don't want to talk to her. When my mother says something negative I always say something positive back. Like the other day she saw a show on TV about a 29 yr. old that has breast cancer. She immediately said that the woman would die. I said...Mom you don't know that. I can name many women who have survived breast cancer. When I said that she got quiet. It really is hard to change someone who is negative. I try my best to maintain my patience and not go along with her negativity. I used to be negative many years ago until I read two books that changed my life for the better. I read a book called "The Power of Positive Thinking" by Norman Vincent Peale and a book called "The Secret". Both books made me realize that being negative only brings you down. It brings stress and just makes you feel lousy in general. I decided that I would stop being that way and start thinking positive. It's like exercising. You have to train yourself to be think positive. For me it's been wonderful life changing experience. My mom has improved a little, but I realize that I can't change her and the only one who can is herself. She has to want to change her negative thinking. I can only share good things when I am with her hoping it will rub off. I wish you tons of luck with your mom. Give her a hug and try to make her smile as much as you can in spite of it all. Keep us posted. :)

I have found with my mother, who had her 2nd massive heart attack and 1st massive stroke before her 59th birthday, that asking what the problem is helps. I asked my mom why she was being so negative. She gave me a long list of complaints. I said I couldn't fix the massive heart attack or stroke, but could work on the other problems.
Ask your mom. If the problem(s) are something you can fix, then fix them. That is what I am doing. I took a list and now am working on 1 problem at a time.
It has really helped my mom alot!!!
Also, don't be afraid to say something to her. I finally had to say something to my mom. She got mad, but when I reminded her that she wasn't the only one affected, but did get the worst of the situation; she realized how much her being negative was affecting me.
So, now we are working on her list.
Good luck!!! You are awesome for being a Caregiver!!!

You are working hard at something very difficult. It just plain IS going to be hard on you to have her in your house for three weeks. Personally I would make as many arrangements as I could to cut down on the time: other places for her to be, other places for myself to be. I don't just mean arranging for her to stay somewhere else (or for YOU to stay somewhere else -- can you go visit a friend during that time?) I also mean within each day, ways for you to get away. I cannot be with my own mother for more than about six hours at a time -- my ability to resist her toxic downward pull gets used up. So I follow that limit as a hard and fast rule, for both our sakes. There are many rules like that in our lives, we just take them for granted so we don't realize it. For example, you wouldn't go more than 24 hours without sleeping, would you? Or more than, say, eight without eating something? Because if you surpass your limit you get a headache, or you get dizzy, or you get so cranky, or whatever, that you don't function well either on your own or in relation to other people. In other words, putting limits on things that become intolerable is a healthy choice, not a failure. It's better for you AND it's better for everyone around you.

I feel for you who are dealing parents who are causing this anxiety in your lives. For me, acknowledging to myself that my parent was not ever a good part of my life helped me to be more objective. Be good to yourself. Remind yourself that you need to take care of yourself so you can be there for those in your life who value you. We only go this way once.

My mother has also lost many friends and reduced her family interactions due to extreme negativity. She was always a person who saw the glass as "half empty" but with age that has increased exponentially. She lives in an in law apt. and I do not have any siblings nearby to help share the burden. She has many health issues and needs frequent support for these. I think the hardest part is the guilt I feel when I am angry or frustrated with her, when I don't want to see her and hear her complaints. I did go to counseling and it helped me get to a place where I am better able to accept that I can't change her, but change my reaction, but, on a daily basis it is still very challenging to stay positive and I feel sad that I don't have a "loving" attitude towards her.

Seriously, it is time for the MD to give her an anti-depressant. Mom's MD prescribed xanax when we took her car away, and added celexa about a month later. Talk with the MD.

Thank you, it's just so hard to listen to it. Plus, her apartment building is being remodeled and she will be staying with me 10-20 days. I am a widow, lost my late husband of 40+ years to GBM-4 Brain cancer, almost 2 years ago and my oldest daughter and her family live with me(2 teenage girls). I'm just so afraid it's going to be very difficult on all of us during that time.
My Mom has never lived near be since 1981, after her last husband passed away and she got sick for awhile, we brought her up near us. My husband had just had his brain tumor surgery and she insisted on moving out of our house to 45 mins away, even though we told her she wouldn't like living there. On the day my girls and their husbands moved her to 15 mins away, my husband died.
It's all about her, she was very jealous of all of the time I spent caring for my late husband, now it's all about her. Very difficult for me.

Sad to say, complaining makes some people "happy." The only way that I can see you handling this with any serenity is to not buy into her complaints (except for legitimate ones).

Try to ignore her negativity and realize that you can't make her happy - no one can. Once you accept that, it won't be quite as hard to cope with. You are not failing in any way. She is just taking out her frustration, anger, low self-esteem or whatever else is in her makeup on you and others.

Good luck. I know it's hard. But this seems like a case of recognizing that you can't change others, but you can change your reaction to them.
Carol