My Mom (91) signed her house over to my sister and me. Now she wants it back. Any advice?

It’s been 6 years since she signed the quit deed. She agreed, at her lawyers office, in exchange for being allowed to live there as long as she wants, that she would pay me us a rent that would cover the property taxes and do she would take care of the daily upkeep like lawn service and snow removal. She has a comfortable fixed income that she never completely spends. She’s a hoarder and has made the house a complete mess and a dangerous place for her to live. She spends at least five-hundred dollars every month things she doesn’t need from QVC. We lost a veterans discount on the taxes after the transfer, so I’ve been making up that difference. Within the last few years the house has become the sole focus of my mother, she constantly gets into arguments with my sister and me and then threatens to take the house back from us. It has completely ruined my relationship with her, and I rarely visit anymore. She also gave my sister her older car when she stopped driving. My sister uses it to visit her, and bring her to her doctor appointments and visit my sister. She also threatens my sister to take the car back and donate it to the Veterans Administration. I’m not sure how to talk with her about it as it always escalates into a drama. I’m thinking we should make an appointment with her lawyer and have some kind of mediated discussion. Any thoughts? Thanks.

I noticed back this past summer you wrote that your Mom had a borderline personality disorder. That could explain why she wants to take back the house, etc.

As for the hoarding and making the place unsafe to reside, call the local government and ask for someone from zoning [or whatever department] to come out and assess the condition of the house. Maybe if someone from outside the family says the house needs to be cleaned up, your Mom might take notice.

Hope all of this can be settled so everyone feels like they won.

She signed the house over to you and sis... done deal! She can't "take it back" if it's in your name... Did she sign the car over to sis...same story. Stop letting this threat get to you.. just tell her its done and over. If she wants to stop paying for the upkeep.. you may not be able to enforce that if its not in writing.. but if she is breaking her end of the deal, call her out on it. "you may have to go if you don't do your part" Not that you would, but maybe she needs a wake up call...

Freqflyer, yes, she’s the one with a BPD. Every time she feels in the least bit rejected/slighted she goes into a tailspin. She’s been this way as long as I could remember. That said, she signed the house over to us 6 years ago when she was at her lawyers doing some estate planning. At that same time she willed her car to my sister; she really wanted her to have it. When she finally stopped driving it was her idea to give it to my sister. We're not worried about her actually taking the house or the car back, it just gets so tedious being subjected to her threats. I thought that perhaps some kind of intervention or mediation might be helpful. The department of Adult Protective Services has visited her a few times about the house condition, there response was, “We’ve seen worse.”

She sounds close to needing Memory Care or a Nursing Home. She may have the delusion that if she takes the house back that won't happen.
At this point the house appears safe from a Medicaid lien, should she need Medicaid for long-term care.
If one of you has DPOA, work with her MD to get her diagnosed as no longer capable of living alone.

So, I guess my actual question is this: Should I try to arrange a meeting with her lawyer, my sister, and me to remind her of the original agreement? Would going to a social worker be more productive. Maybe both?
Thanks for the tough love advice pamzimmrrt, I once said to her that we would have to sell the house if she didn’t keep her end of the agreement, and that shut her up for a couple of weeks -- it’s just so draining to have to play bad cop with one’s mother. I guess she isn’t giving me much of a choice, is she?

Pam, she absolutely refuses to sign DPOA papers. The only thing I’ve been able to get her to sign was a Healthcare Proxy directive. She’s absolutely unwilling to give up any control. All the social workers that have visited over the years have stressed the absolute importance of the assigning DPOA to one of her children, but she won’t. She sees everything as a plot to take her freedom away. I honestly think she might also be on the autistic spectrum. This behavior is not recent -- she’s always been tyrannical and completely unyielding.

If this is an always type of problem, I'd walk away when she gets crazed and semi abusive. Just silently leave. Don't argue.

I don't think taking your mom to the lawyer will change a thing. She has a mental illness and logic and reasoning just don't work in those situations. Even when the person is very intelligent and articulate. We've seen that in spades on another very long thread on this site.

In my opinion, the best you can do with your mother is to protect yourself. The minute she starts in with her threats, calmly tell her you're not going to be subjected to those kinds of threats and leave. If you do it consistently, you may or may not change her behavior. But at least you won't be spending breath and emotions on trying to change someone who isn't likely to change at all. Don't let her problems take you down. Protect yourself!

Thanks everyone. Walking away, and staying away, when she acts out seems to be the best plan of action for saving my sanity.

At this stage of your life with Mom, I would recommend trying to connect with her in a place where you and she TRUSTED each other before things got to how they are now. If it is to late for that ask the Holy Spirit to help Her TRUST you, and keep praying she can let go. Most likely this will not happen. However the action of prayer {by you} and a waiting time {by you} will give you both healing time.

If this were a legal issue that needed solving, seeing a lawyer would make sense. It isn't. She has no power or authority to "take it back." End of discussion.

Having a social worker involved might be appropriate if you are trying to have her keep the home cleaner/safer. If they told her she had to pass some kind of a safety inspection every quarter or had some other leverage to use against the hoarding that MIGHT be worth the effort.

As it is, just don't play her mind games. "Mom, I'm just not going to discuss that with you. Should we talk about something else, or should I leave now?"

One thing I failed to mention is that most of the time her threats come in the form of letters. In addition to the threats of taking back the house and car she always writes that we (my sisters and myself) have caused her pain since we were born. This is followed with, “I don’t know why you hate me?” It isn't new behavior for her, but now it’s her only behavior.

Whatnow, there was a point where we occasionally had fun together. I made a lot of effort to try and include her in my life over the years - I brought her to Europe a couple of times, and over the years we went to lots of Broadway shows together. But she was never a trusting person. Once when we were at the opera in Budapest in the 80’s, we were getting our coats back from the coat check, there was a short misunderstanding with her coat check ticket. My mother instantly started accusing/yelling at the attendant that she was trying to steal her fur coat. It was really bizarre.

Now that she’s 92, in the advanced stages of CHF, on Lasix, no longer driving, and refusing to wear Depends, her life consists of staying at home and watching TV and trips to the doctor and periodic short stays in the hospital.

Owning/buying stuff seems to be the only way she feels in control of her life. She always had a sadistic streak with the people around her, so her behavior isn’t that big of a surprise -- it’s just that it’s so unrelenting now.

Thanks for taking the time to offer all the kind words of support. I’m slowly letting go.

If your attorney hasnt already put her hard assets into a Family trust then first thing I would do is dump him and search out an Elder Law firm to get that set up.
If the home isnt protected it wont make any difference when the time comes for her care. Timing is crucial in these situations.

Panapal, the problem isn’t with her lawyer, it’s with my mother. She refuses to allow anything to change. She suffers from a lot of personality disorders. She won’t allow anyone to have DPOA. She refuses to wear a medical alert button, etc. The only thing she allowed was a quit deed on the house over 5 years ago. The reality is, she wants to hold onto all of her other assets until she dies. She has no concept of what estate planning means and is incapable of grasping anything that is beyond herself. She’s extremely depressed and full of self pity.

I am on Mother's house title and I do not look forward to inheriting it. She is not a hoarder, but she is 95 and in a NH. Her house has sat their, intact for 2 years. I do not even want it or the responsibility of cleaning it out. I live 1500 miles, away.

So, I guess you could sign it back over to her and walk away. Good luck. It is never easy.

Ruggles - if the QCD was done and filed, then the property has been transferred to you 6 (?) years ago, you & Sissy are OK on ownership.It sounds that that was done as the tax bill has gone up as it's now in your name (and no longer with elderly tax break).

My concern would be about her "live there forever". Was this statement place in the QCD? or was this just verbal? If it's in the QCD and you move her out of hoard city 2.0, then there could be an issue aa the terms of the QCD are not as per agreement. QCD (which I -imho- think pose all sorts of issues) is very different than doing a property via a warranty deed. A QCD transfers ownership of what the old owner believer or think it is. What they "think" it is may not be accurate.If there are old issues with the title or it's inherited family property there could be lineal heirs that still exist; or other liens or claims on the property. A warranty deed guarantees full ownership. Often banks or mortgage co will not accept a QCD property to get a mortgage as true ownership is not assured. After Hurricane Katrina, I did some outreach and 1 issue that came up over & over was property that had passed through family via a QCD could not clear a clean title so they could not get rebuild funds. Most often there would be a worthless grandson who could be a lineal heir so his debt could be attached to the property as the QCD does not provide for a full-faith guarantee of ownership. Worthless would need to sign off & release any assigns, and either they wouldn't or wanted their % of any settlement. Its one of the reasons why folks could not rebuild.

But I digress. I'd suggest you either go on-line to the courthouse and download ALL the documents on the house. So that you have exactly what the QCD and any other legal on the house is. Should be cheap too, like $ 5.00 for an easement or covenant, maybe $ 7 for the QCD. You'll sleep easier having all this.

Now she won't allow DPOA ever, correct? Well since that's the case and she's hoarder 2.0 and god knows what else, the only route to be able to take control is go get a guardianship or conservatorship over mom. There was a flurry of posting on the G/C topic last month. Search the site for those posts as lots of good ideas.

If you go the G/C route, I would NOT allow it to go to a "ward of the state" approach to a G/C. Either you or Sissy will have to become (& pay to get this done) the G/C. You could find the judge viewing the whole QCD house scenario to have been done NOT in the best interests of mom. you & I know that is not the case, but the G/C judge (probate judge) has to go on the cautionary side and give the G/C to one on the state list. They likely will try to have the QCD voided so that the property can be sold to pay for mom's care in a facility.

All this is super sticky. I'd get the downloads and do a short 2 page on the timeline with mom's situation and make an appointment with an attorney who does G/C. If you can get her spending details then another short summary of all that. (QVC is the devil). Oh when you're on-line for courthouse records, go to the section that has the G/C filed. They will have the name of the law firm who filed the G/C, there likely will be the same small list of firms who do G/C's. Those are the ones you want to have represent you - they know how the judges run their courtroom. G/C is sticky you need someone who knows how to do it right.

Also take photos and video of the house. Lots of detail - open cabinets and shoot what the interiors look like. Any vermin dropping too. Download all these to your computer and to a flash-drive / thumb drive. The attorney gets the thumb drive.
Good luck, it will be a heavy up-hill……..

igloo572 - that was amazingly helpful! Thanks so much.

In my experiences with aging. The closer you are to the end of your life cycle the clearer life becomes. I have seen this with my sibling who was so sick he realized that those he had previously given him POA to were insincere. He saw clearly that there interest were in conflict with his own. Age does not take away a persons right to reason. Thank god that my siblings doctors found him to be sound . He was able to transfer the POA to me and I did everything to prolong his well being. My mother also has deided at 88 to transfer everything property to others instaed of my older sister, My older sister tried to have her committed. She put her on sleeping pills and sent her to a memory clinic who exploited my Mom and whos memory doctor did everything to push lethal drug aricept on my poor aging mother , who got worst from the drug. Elders must be heard.Age makes life open up and realization hits you right in the face. After a certain age ypu can see right through people and elders have that right to change their mind.

Slarzu, sorry to read that your loved ones experienced exploitation at the hands of their loved ones. And I agree with your statement that “elders must be heard”.

I hope and pray for my mother to find clarity as she approaches the end of her life's journey. Everyone’s life is sacred.

she has few grounds where she can prove she was under undue influence or did in good faith or she has been frauded by the beneficiary that she will take care of her etc. Note: All legal formalities can be done by Court only if property has been transferred if not transferred she can write to concerned authority not to transfer

Why does she say she wants it back? If it was done for estate planning then I'd keep things the way they are. There is a 5 year look back for most states, if she were to receive long term care Medicaid then they would put a lien on the home if it were transferred less than 5 years or if it were in her name.

Terryjack1, that’s a really good question. She never actually says why she wants it back. The original reason I started this thread was to try and pick people’s brains about whether some kind of mediation was in order. But after reading all the rational answers that were given, and then seeing your simple and direct question, I’ve realized there is no real reason why she wants it back, she’s just being a drama queen.

I’m slowly detaching myself from her drama.

Ruggles, good for you and Good luck!