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I'm not sure what to do. I have a caregiver that comes in Mon-Fri 8 to 5 while I'm at work. The intent is that she will help with all things that my mom needs. This includes showering. However, my mom says that she only wants me to help her. Quite frankly, I HATE it. I know it sounds selfish, but I don't like doing it, I'm not comfortable doing it and it really sets me off. The nurse asks my mom everyday hoping that she will cave but no luck. I try to explain to her that she needs to allow the help because it's too much for me and she tells me that she's private and I need to do it because I'm her daughter. Then there is her irritated behind...ie pressure sores. She gets this from sitting too much obviously, and guess who has to change her bandage? Yep, I HATE it even more than the shower drama. I don't know how to convince her that the nurse is willing and can do it for her. She is so damn stubborn. Any advice is appreciated.

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Thank you for the helpful comments. Her care person just left, I'm not feeling well, and my mom just reminded me that she needs a shower because she has a Doctor appointment. OMG! She's stubborn (cwillie) no dementia. The only time she allowed someone to help her with a shower was at a rehab hospital. She has this whole shame thing going on and will honestly guilt the sh** out of me with tears telling me that she can't handle someone else doing it. I really just want to scream! Oh and she has a PT/OT guy that comes to our house and she told me that it really helped with her hurt bottom...all I could say is 'really?' in my most sarcastic tone (she thinks PT/OT is a waste of time and complains and tries to put it off). I'll try the route of telling her that the nurse is there to help her and after today, I'm not going to help her with it anymore. We'll see how that goes...
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If she doesn't have dementia, let her know her options. It's either the aide helps her bathe or she is going to be carted off to a nursing home. Be frank and say that the nursing home doesn't care how much she will scream, cry or hit, she is going to shower at least twice a week with an aide helping her. Ask her what would be better. Living with you or living in a nursing home. In order for her to live with you, she must bathe twice a week with an aide and take a walk around the block with the aide. You helping her shower is not an option in your house and you won't do it in a nursing home either.
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Vickie5297: "I don’t know why parents think that their care should fall totally on the shoulders of their children."

Exactly! These selfish elders! Time for Mama to be given an ultimatum -- shower and bandage changing when the nurse is there, or off to a facility she goes.
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We had very similar circumstances with my own mother. She was very stubborn and wouldn’t even let me, her daughter, help. I finally told her she stinks and for some reason, when I said it, it helped. If she is comfortable with you, I would try having the caregiver help you for awhile, until she is comfortable with her being there. You can do less and less, each time. It might take awhile, so be patient.
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Has she ever allowed anyone else to help? I think getting over the first time is the hardest, after that the embarrassment factor fades a little. Perhaps ask the agency for a different caregiver who is known to be good at overcoming this?
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I have a similar problem. My husband allows me to wash him in the shower, but no one else, including his children (from previous marriage), especially his daughter. They are willing to help, but I think privacy is an issue for my husband and he does not like it.

Sorry, I don't have any advice. Just sharing my story, and hoping for a sage advice from someone.
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I would tell her the reason for her caregiver coming in everyday is to take care of her needs. I would tell her it is something you aren’t willing to do and if she can’t comply maybe you would have to look into alternative living arrangements. I don’t know why
parents think that their care should fall totally on the shoulders of their children. Providing her care 8 hrs a day is very generous.
You have a right to do only the things you feel comfortable doing.
Take a stand now or believe me it only gets worse!
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Does mom have dementia, or is she just stubborn? I know that my mom had someone who came in to help with her shower for years but never to my knowledge actually showered when she was there, it wasn't until mom absolutely couldn't shower on her own and I had to help that I realized she hadn't been showering at all but had made do with sponge baths. If she has true pressure sores then I think this is a game changer, you can legitimately tell her that you can not - will not - continue this service and her options are allowing outsiders to care for her either in your home or in a facility. Start the process to prove you aren't bluffing.
As for the pressure sores, it isn't usual for people without complete immobility to get pressure ulcers, the pain alone would cause us to shift our weight or get up and move. Have you worked with OT to at least get her a proper pressure relief cushion?
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Just tell her that you cannot do this. Since she will not allow the home health aide to assist...you will have to find her a NH for her to move to.

Not a getting clean and dealing with those sores is not an option, so Mom will have to move to a place where they will not take her "no" for an answer. OR....she can cooperate with you and stop being an obstructionist. Her choice.

You are working full time...Mom needs to see that you have serious needs, and contribute to her own care.....allow the paid help to do her job and thereby help you by letting up on some of the work load.  Your Mom is being selfish. Time to straighten it out.
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