Mom does not want to move, she's lived in her home for almost 60 years and we completely understand. We've tried different options to keep her there but I think we're into the next stage where there is now a different issue/crisis almost every day. Eating, drinking and taking her meds top the list but many other things also crop up.

Mom lives in the country so the only neighbor is my brother. He has a business and he's not home a lot of the time. We have someone come in twice a week (about 50% of the time she doesn't want them to come) and other family visit periodically. But she's quite secluded when no one is there. She doesn't need help 24/7 but when she needs it, she shouldn't be alone.

My brothers and I have talked numerous times and finally decided that assisted living is the best option. Mom would have her own apartment so she can be alone if she wants but also will have others around if she needs them. Her meals will be cooked and her meds given to her at the appropriate times. We've tried to talk with Mom and have her be a part of the process but she shuts down and says she doesn't want to talk about it. I've recognized that she is beyond making a rational choice for herself and what we're seeing is an emotional response.

When her doctors said recently it really wasn't safe for her to be on her own anymore, we decided to look at AL communities in the area. I found a beautiful one that has an opening for a 1 BR apartment. She had to be assessed by their nursing staff so we finally had to tell her that we were going to take a tour and meet with the staff. She was so angry (mostly at me) but did go through the tour and meeting. After that, she completely shut down and wouldn't talk about it or even look at me. My brother was here from Georgia so at least she wasn't alone. She was convinced it was a "done deal" and we "pulled the wool over her eyes". It really wasn't a done deal but I'm wondering if I should continue to let her think that so she can begin to wrap her head around the idea that she will be moving. But after a day of being angry, she seemed to forget what happened and was back to her normal self - at least I think so anyway.

We have a tentative move in date in about 3 weeks. During that time I have to get her apartment ready, if she's accepted. The guilt of "going behind her back" is killing me but is it kinder to just do it on my own and let her have the next 3 weeks living like she always has or should I try to include her in the process? After seeing how she seems to forget even these big things after a while, I am leaning toward just doing it and having her only go through the awful feeling once more when she moves. Maybe it will take a few days to forget it again or maybe not since she will be in a completely different setting. I just don't know what to expect.

If anyone has had a similar experience and can share what worked for them, I would really appreciate the input. This is about the hardest thing I've ever done.

My mom sees a neurologist every 6 months on memory med she decreased but not as much as she would have with out medication. So it seems to me she needs revaluation. My mom oriented but can not deal with finances. Makes some bad decisions and I had her lawyer talk with her. had a letter for the judge and some one appointed by court spent time with my mom and saw that there was an inability to make good decisions. I do not like that a guardian was necessary but it is necessary. I talk with my mom she is often stuborn or angry but i am expected to do the best i can for my mom. Have revaluation and really talk to the MD about recommendation.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Daughter20

If her assessment was a year ago then maybe she should have another one. Dementia gets worse as time goes on. If she is seeming to forget, then there may be some Dementia. Who has POA. Have her Doctor put in writing its not safe for her being alone. Then the POA has a reason to take over.

Sit in front of Mom, look her in the eye and tell her the Doctor says its no longer safe for her to stay in her home. Explain that forgetting to take her meds and not eating or drinking is serious. She could fall and no one is there to help. She needs to be in a safe place. She will have a nice apartment and make new friends. Have activities she can participate in. Someone will do the cooking, cleanup and cleaning. She can just enjoy being waited on. Tell her if she doesn't like it, then she can go back home. Make her think its her choice. Once she is there, just keep saying she hasn't given it enough time.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to JoAnn29
AvaC42 Sep 2, 2018
Thank you for your answer, it was helpful. I went back and read the assessment again and the conclusion the neurologist gave was that we should be thinking about Assisted Living, 24 hr care in a family member's home or her own home in the near future. The diagnosis was dementia, possibly Alzheimer's. I think I will talk to her again and give her the option to participate, but sadly, I don't think she will remember that. I have POA so if it comes to that, I can make those decisions, even though they are so hard!
it is hard. I put my mom and dad in assisted living in 2011. my mom was my dads caregiver. she was younger and had some dementia, but not as bad as my dad.

but then she fell and broke her hip. so while she was recovering and going to PT, me and sister started planning the move to AL. We didn't tell either. My dad wouldn't remember anyway. My mom was too weak and a little disoriented to tell her. They had to go...I knew it would be too hard for my mom to caregive to my dad anymore(plus going forward to the future) (they lived in their house too LONG TIME)

so we made lists and packed things (while my dad was at home and mom SNF) moved furniture. Then told my dad we were taking him to see mom in hospital. Then mom was released from SNF and we took both to AL at same time. It was VERY hard for quite some time. they wanted to go back home. I would just change the subject and tell them "mom was sick, disabled etc. and they couldn't go home yet"

You might try telling mom that her dr. "ordered" and feels mom should not be home alone any more, for her own safety. The dr is very worried about her due to her age (not sure of your moms age?) Tell her there are many people her age who have to make the move to AL and they are not like the old nursing homes you used to know about. Tell her its more a senior village.

sometimes when I would tell my mom she wasn't able to go home with dad since she was not able. she would temporary understand. my dad never got it but his dementia was advanced. I would have to change subject constantly. There were lots of uncomfortable times going forward.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to wally003

When we made the move for Mom she eventually was more excited about it than yours, but my suggestion would be to broach the subject again. I can’t imagine trying to force a move like this on my Mom without her at least her half hearted consent. Maybe something very casually like “Mom I’d like you to think about IF you were to move into that nice apartment, what furniture would you like to bring?” Don’t make her answer right then, maybe just let her think on it a while. You’ll know if she’s more accepting by her answer, or you can resume with the “done deal” from there. Also get a copy of their activity calendar and check it out for things she might enjoy, then causally mention “wow, today they’re having prize bingo (or whatever). That would have been fun if you were there...”. Not pushy, just casual. Just a thought.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to rocketjcat

Yes, cmagnum brings up exactly what I thought when reading your post -- how can you force your mother to go to AL if she is still mentally competent? So, is she?
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to CTTN55
AvaC42 Sep 2, 2018
She had a full neurological assessment done last year and the results were dismal. But, she wasn't officially declared incompetent. She actually could leave the AL anytime she wants - or not go at all.
See 1 more reply
If she has not been declared incompetent, then she can't be forced to do anything. You may well have to wait for something to happen for her to change her mind.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to cmagnum

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter