Mom says no one can make her go into assisted living. What do I do? - AgingCare.com

Mom says no one can make her go into assisted living. What do I do?

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I feel I am forced to live with my mom because she said, her doctor said, I have to live with her because she can't live alone and can't take care of herself like walk much. And that I nor my siblings can do nothing about it? I live in California any advice on this??

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You do not have to and should not tolerate abuse. If mom thinks she's got you convinced you "have to" she will continue to abuse you. The driving is worrisome, not so much because she does not walk well - lots of people who can't walk at all or very limited may be fine drivers - but her judgement and perception may be way off. Would you dare to ride in a car with her? If not, see about getting the doc to do something about that as well.

It looks like you are the responsible one who cares about her. Documenting the conditions of the home with photographs and documenting financial gaffes may serve you well; it does not seem like she is rational enough to grant you POA, or might change it to someone who will rob her blind again, and you may need a guardianship. See if there is a social worker or someone at yrou Area Agency on Aging who can quickly get you up to speed on your local systems of services and options. Sorry this is happening, and sorry it is all landing on your shoulders. it is unfair, but often one sibling takes the lead and too often others do not even follow, but maybe you will have some support once you find out more of what's possible and can help others realize what is going on and that it is only going to get worse.
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She is not a candidate for assisted living. She needs a nursing home, where they will bathe her and wheel her to the dining room.

But, she will not have to go as long as you are caring for her. We couldn't make my mother go either, but after a trip to the ER, she never went home. Just let the hospital know that you are not taking her home.

Good luck. We got lucky with our mother, but our sister died prematurely trying to take care of her.
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Thanks for all the advice all I can do is speak with her doctor and let her know what is really going on. I know her doc can't say to much but mom and I both have the same doctor . I don't want my mom to feel she is being picked on but am just trying to look out for her as well. I have other family members who have taken 20 grand from her as well as other's claiming to help her out but theses people are into drugs or parting or out for there own selfish needs except one other sibling who is out of state but mom shut the doors to the one's who do really want to help and not out for whatever he or she can get.
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I agree with Pams. You aren't getting whole story. First, YOU nor anyone else can force her from her home, force her into facility, or force her to accept or hire help unless she is deemed legally incompetent to make such decisions which has to be written document from doctor, court or other medical professional and further you would additonally have to have a legal DPOA or guardianship.

You are not forced to live with mom...you have voluntarily elected to do so and to stay for any number of reasons. I don't mean to sound harsh, but you are doing so because "it's easy, you feel guilty and obligated because she's mom, you feel only you can do this, you are trying to win her approval and love, etc".

Only you can change this predicament. Start by meeting with her dr or documenting your observations of her behavior, abilities to manage her affairs and her safety and health of her environment. Send the letter in advance to her dr then call and make an appointment for mom. Have a full medical and mental work up and get doctors professional opinion. Be honest about the living arrangement with explain that you want mom to be safe and cared for but that you and your siblings don't want the full time responsibility. Ask dr what options or resources he recommends. It may be full time care, it may be part time care in evenings or mornings, it may be housekeeper and you and sibs bring in groceries and precooked meals for the week, meals on wheels, or other.

Call you local aging center agency or senior center and meet with director to help you sort out some options.

If you don't like the situation you are in, change it. Not good for you or mom to continue in an arrangement where one or the other isn't happy and possibly resentful. Remind mom you love her and want her to be safe and happy and will help do whatever is needed to set up help for her but you can't do it anymore.

Let us know how it goes. Many of us have been here. It's hard to walk away when you want to "make things right" but although parents have rights too, they don't have the right to guilt us into giving up our lives to care for them...unless we want to.
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Well, YOU can't make her go to AL, but you also don't have to care for her. You can arrange for care. You can call her doctor and APS to discuss her filthy living conditions. Someone from the county will assess what care she needs.

Right mom, we can't make you move. But to help you be safe, we have to call the county.
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My issue is I do live with her but also feel obligated to take care of her because she my mom and she to has done a lot for me but I feel stuck because no other family members want to help out with her. I failed to mention she is very abusive verbally and can get physical as well but mainly verbal. She claims she told doctor that her kids are trying to get her into a home and her kaiser doctor said, we can't do anything about it? My thing is she poops and pees herself all over at times rarely bathes and can hardly walk but yet drives! And has pets who poo and pee in the house as well it's disgusting! ! I myself have issues that I have to take care of but feel guilty that I'm engaged and moving out. I don't think she needs a nursing home but maybe assisted living or a or a professional caregiver not a family member that will take advantage of her but that's a whole another story sad to say:/
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Be very cautious here - don't move in "just for now" or move her in with you "just until we can make other arrangements". You and your siblings can make calls, explore what options exist, then sit down with your mom to discuss the next step. Come back here as needed for booster shots of "guilt-no-more."
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I don't think there is any law in California (or any other state) that can force you to do hands on caregiving, much less live with parent. That would be slavery, which is not legal. (to say nothing of being immoral). As Pam said, you are being lied to basically - the doctor can say your mom cannot live alone - that is OK - but it is up to her to secure safe living arrangements that are OK with you and your siblings. If you don't want to live with her, or do hands on caregiving, then she has to find another option for living, like assisted living, hiring someone to live with her, etc. Remember, this is HER problem and unless she is mentally incompetent, it is NOT YOUR problem. If she were incompetent you could try to get guardianship and make the decision to place her or as a last resort insist that social services step in and she would become a ward of the state. She is either confused or trying to trick you. Remember, you are an adult and you are in your driver's seat, not mom.
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Thank you for the info.
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NO doctor can force anybody to live with their parents. You are getting a half truth. The MD can say she cannot safely live alone. That leaves it up to family to take care of her and if they do not, Social Services seeks protective custody.
"Taking care of her" can mean hiring caregivers and it can also mean placing mom in a safe haven like ALF. You can get good advice from your county office of the aging.
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