Mum is at respite and I feel like crap. Anyone else experience this?

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Hi,

was waiting so long for a break from my mum and today she went into respite it was very tough I feel like crap and am very down?? you see ive never been to a NH before just don't ask me what I expected I don't know but my mum was the youngest one there they all had white hair my mums is dark!! Oh I just didn't think they would be so old and motionless??

I cried leaving her, hugged her told her I loved her saddest day of my life maybe the reality is kicking in and its only now I realize shes old and ill and this may be where it ends.

Just very down and sad really thought id just leave her there and run but no its a different story when its real.

Home is wonderful staff etc... just thought the people would be mums age and mobile my mums 74 they all seemed about 90s Oh I know shell be fine and very well looked after.

I don't know cried all the way home! Please tell me some of you have experienced this?

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Maybe your mum will enjoy the break and seeing new faces too. It will do you both the world of good. Book an appointment for a pedicure or a massage!! Enjoy!!
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Hopefully your sis will be staying at least a week. Having been the one who actually lived with my mother I believe they have to live it for a week to truly understand what your going through.. My brother and his wife came out for a week to help get my mother home after her last rehab in the nursing home. They had no clue how bad she progressed. During that week she was in true form. Sundowning around 5:30 until 8.. Her waking up evey few hours. And the grand final was the daycare bus bringing her home puking, they had to call the paramedics and during all the chaos the daycare van backed into my cargivers car.. Complete chaos.. I quit talking to everyone before they came because no one understood how bad it was for me.. I hate dementia, I wish she could stay at home and be ok.. When it reaches the point of skilled nursing and safety first its very sad to place them.. Enjoy your respite care, it makes us better caregivers. :)
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When I was in a NH for rehab, I truly enjoyed pushing that button and getting whatever I needed. So will she. Now relax and recharge your batteries.
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Lots of tea, long luxurious baths, fun outings and reconnecting with friends. Stay off this forum during your break and just take time for you and smellnthenroses. YOU DESERVE IT!! Mom knows you love her. Send her a card or small care package with magazines and a few treats if it makes you fell better.

Let go and let mom have some one on one with her other children. It will give you all new perspective.

Hoping each day of your break gets better and better!!! Enjoy and we're rooting for you!
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thanks guys im much better today! Im sure you all know that it takes a few days to come down and relax when you do finally get a break! I am going to do NOTHING for next few wks as my sister has been told by my bro to take over when my mum comes out(shes visiting from abroad) shes causes nothing but stress when she comes so im dreading her coming BUT will stay away until shes back on her plane to her nice life until she visits again maybe at xmas. Im hoping that when she sees mum in the home she will WAKE UP to the serious issues here. She upsets my mum by saying she wont stay in the house because of me?? the real reason of course is im a great excuse to use so she can get away with the real care of my mum! shes happy to just flit in and out and spend as little time as possible lets face it shes here for a BREAK to relax and see her friends and take mam to lunch once or twice then head back telling everyone shes done her BIT!!
Sorry to rant but I will be so much happier when shes gone back as the stress she causes is just pathetic. Thankfully my brother is NOW starting to see her at her little games and is on her back to help out as I will not be there.
what really annoys me the most is she tells my mum everything even if it upsets her imagine my poor mum knowing that her children are fighting over who minds her?? can you imagine how she must feel? this is why I cant be around my sis she needs to grow up and very fast! you would think at 45 yrs old shed have grown up a bit by now?
Anyway ill try and switch off and just watch tv and hope she gets to see just how bad my mums become and how shes now 24/7 care!! Watch this space and thankgod for this forum before I discovered this I thought I was going to crack up as no one would listen to me not even her doctor. I have a very strong feeling now that things are coming to a head and that mums dementia will now start becoming more evident? my mums a great actress and puts on an act with my sis like nothings wrong with her? even though they are ill they can still manipulate to make me out to be the one whose not right? so stressful and so frustrating.

Hugs to all and wouldn't it be great to beam yourself off to a nice paradise beach and return when its all over!!!!!!!!!
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Of course you're feeling sad and down. That's only normal. Allow yourself to feel those feelings for the rest of the day and tomorrow wake up knowing that you have a bit of time to get yourself back in the best shape (physical and emotional) you can be. For yourself and your mom.

Like others have said, try to find some things to do that you enjoy. Call friends to go out or go to a movie or for a walk...whatever you enjoy doing. And eat a piece of pie for JessieBelle, LOL. I think when you feel like you're carrying the world on your shoulders, when that burden is suddenly lifted, you have to reset your bearings. Now you're only holding up yourself, not the whole world. You've got other folks taking over the responsibility for your mom and that's a big change. I'm sure your mom would want you to enjoy this time to rest and recharge.
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Relish this sweet time you now have. Sleep. Go out with friends. Go do your favorite things. Have people over. Sleep. Shop. Pray. Be.

Your Mom will adjust. You need this break. She will meet friends and have activities designed for them. Be at peace. But do continue to advocate for her no matter where she resides.

Bless you with grace and peace. And MUCH joy.
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I am dreaming of what I would do on respite. First I would sleep late, then I would do nothing all day, and I would watch TV at night. I can't do that now, since Mom watches old sit-coms. I wouldn't cook. Every meal would be out. And I wouldn't worry about having two of just the right vegetables. I would have an absolutely totally boring rest. Sounds like fun. And I would be able to enjoy a piece of pie without hearing, "You shouldn't be eating sugar. You'll get diabetes." Sure takes the joy out of a piece of pie.

Dreaming of respite.
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Nursing homes can be very sad places. Most residents are there because they can no longer care for themselves or have no one who is willing or able to do the job. Your mother is relatively young (my age) and probably still thinks of herself as a relatively young person even though frail. It is up to her to make the best of her stay and find ways to enjoy the humor in the situation. If they have massage therapy or a hair salon or other services encourage her to make use of the options. It will be far less tiring for her than doing it from home. Maybe some physical therapy would help too. Call or visit every day and let her know what you are doing. Get away if you can. maybe you want to change her room, do some painting or was the curtains. All of this is fine as long as she know you are going to do it and participates in the choices for the changes. it is not a good idea to change anything in a demented persons environment, they become really disorientated and often angry because they can't find their "stuff"
try and relax your Mum will be fine and the respite will pass very quickly.
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Enjoy the break. She'll be home soon enough if she is just there for you to have a break. If she stays, you can visit often and avoid all the awfulness that the day to day grind can bring.
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