Mom is refusing to let the nursing home staff bathe her. Tips?

First, get written orders from her MD that she is to be bathed at least weekly. Second, have him write an order for calming meds one hour before the bath or shower.
Third, you don't need to be there. Patients are actually more cooperative with the RN's than they are with relatives.

Thanks pamstegman!

Tell her that she has a date. That she needs to bath and do her hair. Take the time once a week to do her nails and feet along with her hair. If she wore make up do this to. Make it a special day. This will give you time to check her skin conditions, in case she might have torn skin or sores. This will give you a special memory when she passes away.

My wife is reluctant to take a shower.. I find that promising to shave her armpits helps, and I always, always tell her how good she looks afterwards, how gorgeous her hair is looking... Of course she forgets by the time it's time for the next one, but sometimes a little trigger helps.. E.g. Let's get your hair looking good again.. Think how good you will feel afterwards.. Let's get you nice and clean then you can try that new blouse/dress/bra on..

Hi. My mam was the same. I recall that with dementia we had to look at the set up in the bathroom as it sometimes brought on some fears. Is the bathroom plain? Are there lots of shapes, patterns in the room? She maybe associating something there with her past. Any previous water experiences? I recall with my mam the general feel of the water coming out of the shower that was normal to you and me was quite harsh in her world. In the end we gave her a wash using a basin and water allowing her to do what she could with our support. This seemed to work. I also agree that the home help can really make a difference as there was her sense of having to rely on her 'children' was tough for her especially in relation to personal care. The biggest thing for us was to try reassure her that everything was ok... Having a little help with some things was ok but where she could help was to be encouraged. My sense of my mam in all this was she was a little frightened as it seemed that some things were changing and she was unable to see why or ask what's going on. I wish you well, be encouraged and keep your head up as you are doing well!!! 😊

My Mom went through this too at the Nursing home. She got scared in the shower and would scream. We switched her to sponge baths only and she was fine. You might want to see if your Mom is upset by a male caregiver? Our NH was very accommodating and would order same sex nurses for certain patients. We always fussed over her hair too and she liked it. Best wishes!

Mother was in a NH and they wouldn't bathe her because she screamed in pain all the time. She has fibromyalgia. So I would bathe her myself twice a week. Yes, she would ooch and ouch every time I would touch her, but didn't care, she had to be bathed. She survived. I know we pay professional caregivers to do for our loved ones, but sometimes, we have to step in and step up to get things done.

There is a product called "bath in a bag" which can be extremely helpful. Everything you need to clean the individual is in a bag that you place in the microwave to heat to an appropriate warmth. It is really a no fuss no mess way to keep your loved one clean. You should be able to find it at local pharmacy's, I think Wal-Mart carries a similar product as well.

I was a privately hired caregiver, who helped a patient in the Nursing Home, for 3 hours a day. You can hire outside aides to help. Make sure however, that they feel skilled at getting the person to get to the bathroom and shower. I woke up a patient, and she was incontinent at night, and she often refused to get up, so I would kneel by the bed and keep her company and agree that being cozy is good. After a few minutes, she would be a bit more active conversing with me, and I would agree with what she was saying, even a complaint. And then I'd repeat, let's get you headed towards getting up - and move the blanket off her, and agree with her complaint, add a hug, say I understand what a pain it is. My attention was on any moment where I could say, OK, let's sit up, and I'd help with that process, and pause. After a bit, say with my arms in position to help her use my hand to pull herself up OK, let's go, it's so important, doing great.

And once she was up, I'd keep up my banter as well as my guided push towards the bathroom. Agree with her, empathetically, and in a moment, just make next suggestion, as if it was not connected to her earlier refusal, as if that had been part of a process which was understandable and we are now moving on.

And it's like moving a car on a snowy road, once moving, focus steady movement with no stops - minimize the length of those, in positive but focused way. Be sure ahead of time, that bathroom is set up safely. Have towels and underwear handy for later. Step by step. I didn't worry about time, and I might emerge from shower helping, wetter than she was. Having a MD order is a good idea, even for twice a week.

Some aides are good at this, make sure it's happening. When I left that job with that woman, the next aide kept writing in her notes, "pt refused to shower. Non-compliant." And no showers were done, only sponge baths, where it is hard to see what's being cleaned with a large person. Two months later she developed a red rash so large and so bad she had to be sent to a pain management center for several weeks. So make sure they are tracking each time she actually HAS a shower, and there is a process in place for effective care.

I've had the same thing- as my mom's dementia progressed, she stopped bathing (she's home). Along with that came the coloring of her hair so I would use that as the excuse to get her into the shower. She was good for a couple of years with that and then it became increasingly hard to get her to cooperate- she would say she was tired, didn't want to bother, etc. When she would get into the shower, then she didn't know what to do first (ie rinse, shampoo, condition, body wash etc). Now she's all gray and I need to cut her hair, and her hair does smell. I'm going to see if she will cooperate so I can get it washed and cut. Has anyone had experience with those dry shampoos?

Originally, we thought she was afraid of falling by getting into the bathtub to take a shower, a crossover bench didn't provide her with security. After she stayed at our house and seemed to LOVE being in our big walk in shower, sitting in a chair - we paid to convert her tub to a walk in shower. She used it twice in 2 years. In the hospital when the nursing staff did sponge baths she'd have to be given a sedative afterwards because she became so hysterical -- it was as if their touch was extremely painful to her. In hospice we tried to give her a sponge bath and with the first touch she begged us to stop. What we learned (afterwards) is she had Lewey Body Dementia and not wanting to bath is one of the symptoms - it's about brain wiring. We were able to use a shampoo cap to clean her hair and reduce the smell. It's incredible sad

My 84 yo mother with stage 6 AD lives with me and my wife. I provide coaching on difficult issues. We have a caregiver shower her. One of things I will tell my mother is that the shower is to keep her from getting sick, that it washes off the germs that will give her a cold and get sick, and of course she doesn't want to get sick, right? This works for me a good part of the time. I find nothing works all of the time. But by making the argument about not getting sick seems to help a lot.

Yes, experience with the dry shampoos - actually I found the best one was the wet/dry that they sell in a bottle at a pharmacy and can be applied with pt sitting in bed - with a towel around neck. The dry ones don't seem to get all clean, but may have improved. And when it comes to bathing, I often hand the washcloth, but if they don't use it, I say, here I'll help you, and I take it and start washing areas they are not nervous about, just keep going, saying excuse me, if I go to any other areas - and I explain how the worst feeling in the world is to be left itchy, so I'm getting everything clean - I just accept their mental change, and lead and explain as I go along, listening to them and pausing,explaining, and going on. Most people Don't want to end up itchy. Sometimes I might do only the top half one day, and the bottom half the next. And it's not necessary to do the whole body every time. It does work as you work with it, gradually!

I don't understand. That should be the problem and responsibility of the home to get her bathed. Isn't that one of the reasons that she is there? So you can have some time to yourself. Or maybe I am the one who doesn't know what it is like in a nursing home!

do a search for "Bag Bath" and down load a info sheet from the Palliative Nurses Association.

I am going to try this. She is aware that she has small bladder accidents but refuses to use the special pads for that problem, tells me she doesn't need them.

Running water with a shower has been researched by ASU's psychology dept. They hypothesize patients with dementia imagine being burned alive - that the water is really fire and if they get into the "fire" they will be burned. This is not an isolated incident. Most nursing home staff can accommodate these changes in behavior by giving a sponge bath. Really, do you think having her bathe is going to change her diagnosis. When she cannot speak, staff can bathe her when she cannot object. Love her for her remaining time...

According to my mother's very experienced caregiver, they almost all hate too take showers. Definitely worth the $60 to have professionals come in for 3hrs. once a week. At first my mother was reluctant to that, so I'd show up and tell her to get in there, then leave. They would give her a manicure and pamper her, do a little laundry, have a meal with her, very worth it!

We went through this with our father, and when he finally decided to take a shower, he spent almost a couple hours and used up all the hot water. I'm not sure what caused his reluctance, but he refused any offers of help. He eventually ended up in a nursing home. Although I know they gave him a sponge bath near the end, unfortunately I can't recall how he was bathed before then.

The nursing home where Mom (96) stayed for rehab all this past summer has a policy that patients cannot refuse showers -- they get three a week, like it or not, from the 'shower team' of two aides. Given how much whining and wailing my mother does when I shower her at home, I imagine that nursing home shower room is a noisy place. But Mom seemed no worse for the wear.

However, this nursing home does allow patients to refuse to have their hair washed and fortunately Mom took advantage of that because otherwise she would have looked like a wild creature. (The aides don't provide any styling.) I took her once a week to the resident hairdresser so she looked as much like her usual self as possible.

I'm moved by some of the caring and compassionate answers to your question and send blessings that something works out for you and everyone soon is at peace with this issue.

I actually posted on this problem/concern a month or so ago. My mother still lives (semi) independently (I say semi because we basically handle everything from shopping, bills, etc. and she has an aide visiting for 10 hours a week) but she absolutely refuses to accept help to fully "bathe." She does not smell and basically keeps herself clean with moist Cotonelle towelettes and some washcloth cleaning (I guess) and most of the responders on this site said that she is fine and I need to pick my battles. So, other than making sure that she has no wound issues and that the aides moisturize her very dry legs, etc., I've taken that advice. From my perspective, not being immersed in water in some way (either bath or shower) for the couple of years that this has been going on is absolutely revolting but, then again, I don't have dementia/Alzheimers and the doctor basically shares this view at this point. If she ultimately is admitted to an AL facility, I figure this will become their problem and they will have better resources & patience to deal with it. But, I definitely understand your concern and wish you all the best, Christine.

I did forget to add that there is a hairdresser that comes to her building once a week or so and she gets it washed then and also in her apt. by an aide in between.....

Elders do need assistance when taking a shower/bath because they just aren't strong enough to wash thoroughly.

Eboneezer you are beyond sainthood. My mom used to complain about showering but has given up. This is one area that I am not very flexible. My mom does smell. She needs to bathe daily. She lives with us and we remodeled her room to include her own cozy safe shower which made this issue a lot better. It can be done for very little money. I don't feel that because she has dementia that gives her license to make our lives miserable by not bathing. I give in to lots of things but this isn't one. She is able to shower herself for now. If and when she can't, we'll hire someone to help her as it would not be good for either of us for me to do it. Once or twice a week I put her laundry in the machine while she is in the shower since she complains about that too, bless her smelly heart. Then I reminder her and she puts them in the dryer and folds, which she enjoys.

@Christine73 after all my blabbing I did not offer any advice for you as you requested. My advice would be to tell her the doctor suggested it, set a schedule and let the NH handle it. You can't do everything. My son is doing his CNA right now so I feel good that for the most part there are loving people in nursing homes that will do their best. This isn't your fault.

I'm having bathing/showering problems with my mom, too. She flat out refuses to clean up. I would be fine hiring outside help, but she is just ornery and refuses any help from anyone. She is quite ambulatory still.

My mom was always meticulous about grooming. As she began to be more and more dependent, she let so much go. She wouldn't shower or bathe, and things that she would have had a fit about in years past began to happen. As her vision faded from macular degeneration, she spilled food and coffee all over herself, and the thing that GROSSED ME OUT was she always had crap ( both literally and figuratively) under her fingernails. Even if she did wash her hands (and I'm not convinced she did very often), she or the aides in the NH never actually scrubbed under her nails. It not only grossed me out, it made me sad that the mother that was so proud of her appearance was leaving me. I would clean and scrub under her nails and even paint them if she would let me. It worked for me to praise and flatter her and tell her how good she looked. I usually wasn't present when she was showered, but part of what she hated was being cold. She was also very modest, and having her clothes taken off by people she didn't know ( or like) was hard for her

My mother, who has undiagnosed dementia, was not showering. No matter what I or my brothers said we could not get her in the shower. She would go weeks without one. With her incontinence and bladder infections the smell was unbearable. I finally got a new shower installed, along with new floor, a new, higher toilet, and a new vanity and sink. The old shower was a tub shower and my mom had difficulties getting in and out. Now, she showers pretty much every day with my assistance.

Its common for Alzheimer's patients to be afraid of shower/baths so I would try really good sponge baths.

For nails.... when mom has had her lunch, I don't say anything, I just bring a hand towel, set it on the table in front of her like a place mat. I bring a medium bowl of warm, sudsy water, and a nail brush floating in there. I tell her to clean her nails, and she does. If she fusses, I remind her that dried poop or old food stuck under the nails is gross and I know SHE wouldn't like to be stuck with gross nails like that at the table. She cooperates or I don't move her until she does it. Then, I will clean under the nails to finish the job and show her the crud that comes off. She really sees it for herself.

As for baths, I make sure the bathroom is unbearable hot for me, I have towels galore at hand and washcloths floating in the bath to put on top of her as she floats. Baths used to be her favorite thing, but I agree, the cold is discouraging. It's a lot in the planning ahead... It took me a long time to realize it's the cold she hates.