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My 102 year old mother is living at home. I am her POA and proxy. The last two years have been a nightmare. She has fallen several times with serious injuries from three falls. She came home from a several month rehab knowing she needed help at home. She kicked them out on the third day. All of the services, VNA, Caretakers, have said she shouldn’t be at home alone. I talk until I am blue in the face. She won’t listen telling me she has to die at home where her husband died. It was recommended I get her a medical alert pendant. In the last month she has set it off 21 times. She fools with it while wearing it or let’s it hang from her walker. It thinks she is falling. I get calls from them day and night. Sometimes she answers the phone and others she ignores it. Last week we had agreed she should go to assisted living. A nurse came to visit and assess her. I went and made all the arrangements and then yesterday she tells me she won’t go. If I make her she says she will make a scene and get kicked out. She acted out at the rehab too. They couldn’t wait to be rid of her. What good does it do to be a POA or proxy ? I can’t physically force her to leave the house. I have called adult services and they were no help at all. I don’t know what to do. I wanted to resign as POA and proxy,but mom’s attorney asked me to continue. I can’t keep living like this.

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Such a sad situation. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. She’s likely to fall again. I don’t think I would bail her out of the hospital.

I can understand why you would want to relinquish legal responsibility for her. You can tell the attorney that you changed your mind and not be involved anymore.

A friend of mine recently died and he has no living family. He was never married. He had no children either. He had colon cancer and a stroke. He went to the hospital after the stroke. The hospital asked a mutual friend of ours to become his POA. She declined because she did not want that responsibility.

The hospital ended up telling us that he was too far gone to receive any more chemotherapy for his cancer and could never live alone again.

The hospital actually found a nursing home for him to be placed. He died two weeks later in the nursing home.

I’m in New Orleans. I don’t know where you are and how it works there. I’m thinking that possibly they would take over and place her too if your mom doesn’t a POA.

Your mom should not be living alone. At least she would receive care in a hospital or nursing home. I can’t imagine why she would want to be alone with no medical help. Is she scared? What about hospice?

When she does end up in the hospital, contact the social worker and tell them that you are not going to bring her home. Let the social worker handle it like they did for my friend.

It’s strange how some people think. My friend had a horrible wreck just before entering the hospital. His doctor told him no more driving. No more living at home.

He thought he was transferred to another hospital when they transported him to the nursing home.

He didn’t even know that he had been placed in a nursing home. He kept telling us he was going to start driving again when he got out of the hospital. It’s weird, I don’t even think he realized how sick he was or that he was dying. It was terribly sad. He didn’t even tell us burial plans. Since he had no family his remains are in a cemetery designated for bodies that are not claimed by family members.

This is so stressful for you. You’re pretty much helpless until she is in danger and enters the hospital. She won’t cooperate on her own so you don’t really have a choice but to leave it in the hands of the hospital. I just feel like they will drag things out if you continue to have POA.

I know the doctor at the hospital was pushing for my friend to have a POA. When the doctor’s request was refused they acted on getting placement in the nursing home quickly. He was already a Medicaid patient.

Don’t sign anything claiming any responsibility if she enters a nursing home.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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Jiml1953, what happened when you called adult protective services? You mentioned they were no help at all. Just curious what they said.
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Reply to elaine1962
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My husband who had Alzheimer's had 3 bad falls in 2 days. I had his case worker reassess him. She put him on the critical list for long term care and in 2 weeks they had a bed for him. I didn't discuss it with him. He thought he was going to his Day Program. I just took him there and they were very good about settling him in. He is very happy there and as I couldn't leave him while I was caring for him , I now have a life.
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Reply to balababe
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I wonder if she wants to die in the same bed or chair that her husband died in , if that could be a compromise. If so, you could make sure that goes to AL with her. My Mom was very resistant to move in with me until my brother figured out it was more about keeping her kitchen table! ( which was handed down from her mother) rather than staying in her house per se. Once I told her we'd make room for it she stopped dragging her feet. I know it's crazy but that was the deal breaker and even she didn't even know it.
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Reply to Happyplace
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I'm so sorry -- sending you hugs; I know it can so frustrating and exhausting. My mom also refuses to go to AL. She insists on staying in her house. But after a few falls that landed her in the hospital and rehab, she has finally consented to have helpers come in (24 hours a day). She's locked them out of the kitchen a few times, told them to go away, etc... but she needs so much help now that she's finally warming to them. Unfortunately I think all you can do is wait until some scary emergency changes her mind. Wishing you all the best.
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Reply to losingitinmo
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My mother fought my brother and I on every turn, she refused to sell her house, she refused to have any help, she refused to go into AL...so we just waited...2 months ago she had a slight stroke, she was afraid to stay alone and was having panic attacks...we sprung...she is now in AL, near us in Fl, she was living alone in NC. We will return in March and clean out her house and put it up for sale. She will turn 95 in February.

Perhaps you will need to do what we did. Keep posting it will help!
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Reply to anonymous912123
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Your mother's attorney asked you to continue... and... you said..?

I can think of some colourful language you might have chosen in answer, rather than just "oh okay then." And seeing as mother has such a dedicated attorney, what's wrong with handing the whole deal over to him/her? Either mother can appoint the attorney to act as her professional POA, or if truth be told she lacks the mental soundness to do that then the attorney can exercise his professional powers and begin guardianship proceedings.

I thought you were in a bit of a bind before you mentioned the lawyer!

To soothe your conscience: your mother is 102. If she prefers to come to a potentially sticky end in the place where she wants to die, what better alternative can anyone offer her?
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Reply to Countrymouse
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If I didn't know better, I'd think you are my SIL == talking about what we deal with when talking to MIL. Only difference in our stories is that yours wears her pendant, my MIL "Knows" she won't fall, so "I don't need that." *sigh* And like your mom, when she does wear it, she fidgets with it and sets it off!

I'm so sorry, your mom sounds completely stubborn and non-compliant :( I know you are at your wits end.

What I have finally come to realize, is that we are waiting on our next emergency. Depending on how serious it is, the decision about whether she can live at home will be taken out of our hands. And honestly, until then, there is just nothing we can do unless a family member gets guardianship.

And even with guardianship, if they try to put her in a home, it will be just like you described -- she will be so very difficult, causing trouble and having daily temper tantrums . . . . all in an effort to "Go Home!"

I don't have any good advice I'm afraid, but sending{{{hugs}}} your way because it's a hard spot to be in!
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Reply to calicokat
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Eventually, if she keeps falling, she will sustain a serious injury and the rehab or hospital will refuse to release her they will file for emergency guardianship in necessary.

Stop showing up at the ER might be a plan
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Has your mother been found to be incompetent?

If so, your durable poa and healthcarenpoa may well give you the right to place her in a secure memory care unit.

Has she been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist? Although meds cant reverse dementia, they can often reduce the paranoia, agitation and anxiety that often accompany it.

If the lawyer has any standing with mom (i.e., she trusts him) pay him the hourly rate for mom to visit him. Let HIM explain that shes acting irrationally. It's worth a shot.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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My take on PoA is that it's agreement that has to work for both parties. If your mom has dementia/cognitive issues and isn't making rational decisions in her own best interest, then you should have her go into the facility whether she's on board or not. Falling and hurting herself over and over is irrational. She's not independent by any means. Having people orbit around her false alarms and self-inflicted injuries is also irrational. I agree with the observation below that even if you resign your PoA you will still worry about her. But going forward you will need to choose the lesser of the 2 evils of resigning or staying. But if I were you I'd have a final discussion with her pointing out the selfishness of her jerking people around because she has some entrenched notion about her final days. Please inform her that she most likely won't "die in the house" since she will probably fall and if she doesn't die, she'll be in a hospital or facility anyway. Then if she's still resistant, sign her up and get her in or just resign. Also, please inform her of how things will go if you resign (she either becomes a ward of the county and they certainly won't tolerate being jerked around and you won't be able to rescue her, or the attorney will probably put her in a facility as that person surely won't have the time to be jerked around). Good luck!
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Reply to Geaton777
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If you give up the POA, you still will worry about Mom. The POA only gives you the ability to help not the ability to force her to do anything. You still will have to deal with her stubborness.

My MIL lived in FL 20 years before her death. FIL died 17 years before her. When DH retired, the phone calls usually were "u need to move down here". Then she came up one time saying she was thinking of moving back. We went thru looking at apts and trailers with her but she never moved back. When she said something to me about moving down, I told her it would never happen because I had my Mom. My husband never gave in to her. He told me she chose to move to Fla. She wanted to stay in that house. That was her decision and if she died in that house, that too was her decision.

So, seems Mom has done OK for 102. And if this is where she wants to stay then let her. And if she dies because she stayed in her house, then she did it her way. POA does not mean you have to do for her. Doesn't mean ur at her beck and call. Might want to tell her what u will and won't do. Otherwise, she pays to have it done.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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So she makes a scene...then what? YOU REFUSE to take her into your home, and they will have to find a facility. Set the boundary and stand firm. Remember, as much as you say you can’t force her to leave, she can’t force you to keep her.

Good luck.
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Reply to ML4444
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JoAnn29 Jan 11, 2020
ALs are not responsible to find her a facility. Its private pay and considered a residence. The ones in my area do not provide a SW. Just an RN on duty and aides.
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Good for her, still feisty at 102.
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Reply to shad250
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JoAnn29 Jan 11, 2020
I guess u do know ur comments aren't appreciated.
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Resign -
Resign
Resign

Then let the chips fall where they may. Your mom, if she is of sound mind (and no court has declared her incompetent) cannot be forced into anything she does not wish to do. But that doesn't mean you by default are the cleaner upper.

Step back - let her figure it out. Then a medical emergency will force the issue - as it has for so many families on this site with stubborn elders.
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Reply to Kimber166
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Isthisrealyreal Jan 11, 2020
Totally agree.

Tell the attorney that they are welcome to the position.
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