What can I do when my mom refuses to talk to me about life insurance or living wills etc.? - AgingCare.com

What can I do when my mom refuses to talk to me about life insurance or living wills etc.?

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She says that is something you don't discuss with your daughter. I am the only family she has left living also. She had a stroke aslmost 5 yrs ago. she is at home cannot walk or take care of herself either I need help I cannot do it.

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Two suggestions that may or may not help:

One is to ask a pastor, Rabbi or an old friend to talk with her. Often elders don't like having their "kids" tell them to do these things but they'll listen to someone else whom they admire or trust.

The second is to go and get your own legal papers done. Let her know you are doing this and invite her along. Even is she doesn't go with you right away, she may get the message that this isn't something that older people need to do. Everyone over 18 needs to have someone who can legally speak for them if something happens where they can't speak for themselves.
Good luck!
Carol
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One way I got my parents to update their older than dirt wills was to fib to them that the State would take a big chunk of their money when they pass on due to new laws. That got my folks in to see an Elder Law Attorney pretty quick.
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Some elder law attorneys will come to the house. See if you can find one. Then your mother can make a will and discuss insurance. And you won't be involved.
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You do not say that she has dementia. Just because a person cannot walk does not make them incompetent. Drop the subject for now, and when she is ready, then try again. It sounds by her statement she still sees you as a child, so either change that perception or wait for her to come around to discussing it. She may never do it, but she probably will with a male attorney.
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I agree with all the above answers. No one mentioned her physician or her accountant. Does she have someone she trusts who could make this suggestion to her. You put the idea into the professional's head. Then the next time she has a reason to see that professional, he can ask her what her plans are, what music she wants played at her funeral perhaps to get the subject started. So many elders care about the funeral service. My husband never wanted to discuss how he wanted to be buried. Until we went to an aunt of his' funeral. The woman was 102. Everyone spoke about her. The ceremony went on for a long time.
Finally my husband looked at me and said, "I don't want this." As we walked out , I asked "So what do you want?" And he told me quite explicitly how he wanted just a cemetery site gathering with the Army Bugle Corps to play taps, he wanted the flag ceremony. Then we got down to payments and everything got done so I knew just what to do when he passed.
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I like that suggestion of freqflyer - seniors are always concerned with "their money" going to the government! That is why those of us who are really lucid have already made arrangements and tried every way we can to make sure our money does not go to Uncle Sam to waste! By all means scare you mother into thinking if she doesn't do it, the govt will take it.
In fact, in the state of NY - if a person dies intestate there is a big upfront fee, and then when it is settled - the state of NY gets 30% right off the top.
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Besides having a lawyer to help her if your mom has not set things in place.
She needs some one who will speak for her if she is not able to do that. If for what ever reason she does not feel that you are able to or responsible enough to carry out her wishes then she needs a neutral person to do these things for her. How would you feel if she did have every thing set up and you could not find her papers because she became comatose and did not tell you where they were and when you found them she had requested a Do not Resuscitate and she is on life support against her wishes?
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Sometimes it helps if you tell elders that what they would be doing (in signing a Power or Attorney, Appointment of Healthcare Representative, Living Will, etc.) is controlling what happens to them if they can't speak for themselves. These Advance Directives are there to direct you in what to do if your mom has a stroke, heart attack, etc. If she doesn't want you to have the power, then she can appoint someone else. If she doesn't appoint someone now, while she is mentally capable, she may have a stranger appointed by the court to make such decisions about her life and care. (Not likely, but she doesn't need to know that.) She can also have her Power of Attorney only become effective at such time she cannot make her own decisions. The first step is to get her to talk to an elder law attorney. It is also important for her to know she will not be forced to sign anything she doesn't want to sign.
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In addition to pastor or Rabbi, you might consider asking her doctor to talk with her, without you present...
Grace +Peace,
Bob
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My MIL steadfastly refused to make any kind of plans, no wills, no EOL decisions, etc. I mentioned, one day, just in passing, that since she didn't have a will, the kids would have no say in the distribution of her things, OH and also, she would have a total stranger (state appt executor) going through her drawers, literally, to get an inventory of her belongings. She was appalled enough to have a will drawn up. As far as EOL care, she won't make decisions, so that could be rotten---but at least the legal end of stuff is dealt with. (She does not plan to ever die, so.....she says it's not an issue. She's 86).
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