Mom was over an hour away & my visit was on Saturdays. I timed it so I would arrive at the end of lunch & we would have our time together until she got tired & was ready for a nap. At that point she was so tired she’d want me to leave. I’d tuck her in, give her a kiss, wish her a nice nap, tell her I love her & will see her soon, & I’d be off.
On the occasions she would fret about “leaving this hell hole” (10 minutes before, it was a “lovely place, everyone is so nice”) and I could see a scene coming on, I’d stop her dead by saying “oh good, I’m going to Shop Rite (food store) when I leave here & could use your help with their Can Can sale”. That is a huge sale, aisles are loaded with cans, & it’s a crazy place because everyone is stocking up. She’d be happy because I validated her feelings and I needed her help. If she wanted to go right then, I’d say let’s just sit 5 more minutes, we can go to the bathroom, and then we can leave. Again, validation won that battle. In 5 minutes she’d forget anyway.
That approach worked so well for me that my 2 siblings adopted the same approach with both timing & needing help with an errand. My brother was hilarious— his help was he was going to Home Depot & needed help with lumber. We laugh about it now, but it surely did work!
We quickly discovered it wasn’t healthy for Mom if we were there for very long periods of time & every day. She wouldn’t adapt or have interest in interacting with others. It was a new normal for all of us and we had to adapt to it like she did. Validating her fears/feelings went a long way to helping us all adjust.
Except for creating a scene when I left, my mother was the same way. And, so are 99% of everyone else in a facility.
If she is firing up to make a scene when you leave, just say good-bye and go. Don’t try to placate her. If she doesn’t have an audience, she’ll quit. If you visit every day, stop and start visiting a few times a week. She will acclimate to her new way of life and the scenes will become less and less. When she demands you bring her home, firmly tell her when her doctor says she can come home, you’ll discuss it. It’s called the therapeutic fib.
I went near dinner time. I would sit with Mom till they came to get her for dinner. Then I would quietly leave.
I agree, when she starts just leave. Its like having a preschooler and its their first day of DC. You don't fuss over them you kiss them and leave. They adjust.
I can certainly understand and relate to your problem. My father is unhappy where he is and almost every time I visit he tells me how much he wants to go home, that he hates it there and that the food is slop, yet he eats rather well. I feel like I'm trapped when he says this, and feel awful because I'm lying to him about his ability to go home if he works with PT and gets his strength back, although seeing him yesterday being put in his wheelchair - he can't even stand up straight! Yet he wants desperately to go home. When we put him in the VA he asked us why we were doing this since we were "able to take care of him", he said that me, my sister and my mother were just about killing ourselves just trying to make sure he didn't fall. It was awful and it is still awful. My father doesn't participate in the activities they have either, he just stays in his room and lays in his bed all day and personally I think he's given up on life and is just laying there waiting to die. All of this just sucks.
Lacey - I can relate to your pain and conflicting feelings. You are doing the right thing. Deep down, your father knows that you are doing what is best for him. I'm so sorry that you are having to struggle this way. Hang in there.
Yeah that's rough, & her making a 'scene' is mostly so you will feel like crap. (I don't think she believes there's any chance of going home). Also, I'd prefer not to give false hope to her about 'going home'. Cuz she wud then have no reason to make friends or do any activities... (Adjusting to living there permanently is probably a grief process for her). She has to face it & adapt, if she is mentally able.
You don't say how long your Mom has been in assisted living. You don't say what level her dementia is. You don't say whether she was, prior to admission, a people lover who delighted in activities, and now is not. My brother went into assisted living in March. He is only mildly impaired with a probably early Lewy's Bodies Dementia, and a benign brain tumor sitting on his medulla that causes balance issues. He has always lived a very private Monk like existence with few close friends, minimal visiting with others in his neighborhood, and definitely NOT a lover of organized activities. He finds that a lot of the seniors in his assisted living are a bit more mentally impaired than he is. It took him a while to "find his nitch" to do the few things he enjoys such as the ride out into the surrounding area on tour bus, visiting with one special friend. He mostly says he eats and reads a lot, and reading takes more engagement from him than it once did. Likes to sit out in the beautiful grounds and watch nature. Gardening was always his thing. First thing is to know how much changed your Mom actually is from who she once was. Perhaps less changed than you think. As to being very upset when you leave, well you are her touchstone to her old life; when you leave without her it is heartbreaking for her. That is an honest reaction to a hurtful thing. She may adapt and adjust; there is not a whole lot you can do to force the issue. Wishing you both so much good luck going forward, and hoping with time the adjustment will go better. Do not know about where she is, but my bro's place is so wonderful, tries so hard, and given what they deal with in personalities it is not easy. I tease my bro that it is like entering a commune in the 60s. Things didn't always go well in THEM, either.
I have read all of the responses. I would like to emphasize that none of you live in assisted living home with a loved one. I do. My loved one has dementia, but I do not. I have some physical challenges, but no cognitive decline. I can tell you that the beautiful architecture and landscaping are a huge facade for what goes on when you are not there. You would be horrified at what actually happens. The food is horrible, the care is sporadic and sometimes abusive or neglectful, and the housekeeping is certainly not like living at home. Medications are not given on time, or the wrong ones are given, or they are not given at all. Before we had this proliferation of baby boomers and the resulting boom in assisted living facilities, elderly parents lived at home with their children or stayed in their own home. Sometimes outside help was hired to come in when needed. The loved one felt needed and surrounded by family. Before the dementia or whatever they were afflicted with progressed to the point of requiring total confinement to a bed, the older person was usually able to help with child care or pet care or light housekeeping or even little things like preparing easy things to eat like salads. They had purpose and a reason to get up in the morning. Now, they are all shipped off to these facilities who will dish out the biggest marketing line you have ever heard to make you think your loved one will be well taken care of and happy. They will tell you that your loved one needs time to adjust and that you need to give them awhile and not visit too much. They will let you sample a meal, bring out the chef and let him ask you if your food was ok, walk you around and show you how wonderful the facility is, have you talk to (preselected ) residents about how happy they are, and show you a list of activities that make you think your loved one will have plenty to do. Well let me tell you, that all changes when you walk out the door. It's all marketing BS. The chef never comes out again. The residents are not really participating in those activities, because they realize the activities are either dumbed down or are just not interesting. And the same activities day after day, week after week, is very boring. And if they never liked Bingo or Crossword puzzles in the first place, they are certainly not going to like them now. Sometimes the activities are cancelled. So it looks on paper like they are happening, when in fact, they are not. The majority of the residents are sitting in their rooms day after day watching TV or lying in bed. They are taken to meals and brought back to their rooms. Sometimes they are rounded up and taken to activities that they don't want to go to, especially if the owners are visiting the facility. Many of them are drugged up on medications for anxiety, depression, or sleep. All the facility has to do is to tell the family that their loved one is extremely anxious or depressed and might need for the doctor to prescribe something. So the doctor does. And they get it day after day so the facility can make sure they are controlled and never complain. Notice that the facility never lets you just walk around and talk to whoever you want to or sit in on some of the activities and talk to the residents in that activity. And they don't invite you to come back multiple times to visit before you make a decision. They want you to sign right away. I'm not trying to put a guilt trip on anyone for placing their loved one in these facilities. I realize that there are certain circumstances that require this. But I see families who place their loved in these homes and then rarely visit. So you have no idea what goes on. I have personally visited more than 20 of these homes and lived in several. While some are worse than others, they are all about the money at the end of the day. If you can figure out a way to keep your loved one at home and bring in outside help, PLEASE do this. Get cameras.
This may be a fair representation of your own facility, but it not true of all facilities. My brother lives in Assisted Living, is completely rational, so able to judge the level of care he sees around him. Has a brain tumor, benign but sitting on his medulla, causing balance issues. His friend has lived in this Assisted Living place for 7 years; now my brother does as well. Is the food PERFECT? No. It's institutional cooking and is served to the cottages so that by the time it comes to the dining table it's less than "hot". But when my brother suggested morning coffee would be nice to have before breakfast service by an hour, at 7 a.m., that suggestion was looked at and implemented. My brother is in a category that you seem to be in as well, forced by circumstance to be in a facility with people who are not in the same state of mental acuity as he is, which doesn't make things easier. HOWEVER, the people who work at this facility are MARVELOUS: they're wonderful, kind, caring, dedicated, and do not last a second at this facility if they are not. They are helpful and a joy to be around. They attempt to keep things so clean, so well run, and to address any issues brought. My brother would be happy not to have to endure a long, slow, slide down; he wishes he could just "go in his sleep" at the ripe old age of 85. I think many of us feel that way, but it isn't always granted to us to die suddenly and while we are still physically and mentally independent. So he meets life with grace and gratefulness for the care he is receiving. People have different needs, different standards, different personalities and most of all different attitudes. Even in the very young and active there are people more or less satisfied with life as it is lived. What is good for one isn't necessarily good for another. I would definitely advise you to look around if you are unhappy where you are. My brother's facility cannot be the only one that treats people with not just dignity, but with loving care. There are many, many circumstances in which people cannot take in or care for their loved ones; you are absolutely right about that. As a nurse all my career, now retired, it's my personal opinion that we live too long. Not everything in life is good. Much at the end is just endurance and making the best of it we can. The old meme about old age not being for sissies is so right. The portrait that you paint of the good old days doesn't match my remembrance of them. True enough, often only the male in the household worked. That often left the female responsible for the aging elders. (That would be in the case of a traditional family, something my brother, as a gay man with no children every had). People "back then" did not live as long as they do today. Last week's Sunday NY Times had an article about the aged caring for the aged today at home; not good that old children with VERY old parents. And I still do recall the plight of my Aunt Edna, who I saw age to a horrible degree, worn, tragic and unhappy all the latter one half of her life, caring for first one grandmother, then the other until she herself was old and used up. No advertisement for the good old days there. As with all things, it was good for some, and perhaps not for others.
On the occasions she would fret about “leaving this hell hole” (10 minutes before, it was a “lovely place, everyone is so nice”) and I could see a scene coming on, I’d stop her dead by saying “oh good, I’m going to Shop Rite (food store) when I leave here & could use your help with their Can Can sale”. That is a huge sale, aisles are loaded with cans, & it’s a crazy place because everyone is stocking up. She’d be happy because I validated her feelings and I needed her help. If she wanted to go right then, I’d say let’s just sit 5 more minutes, we can go to the bathroom, and then we can leave. Again, validation won that battle. In 5 minutes she’d forget anyway.
That approach worked so well for me that my 2 siblings adopted the same approach with both timing & needing help with an errand. My brother was hilarious— his help was he was going to Home Depot & needed help with lumber. We laugh about it now, but it surely did work!
We quickly discovered it wasn’t healthy for Mom if we were there for very long periods of time & every day. She wouldn’t adapt or have interest in interacting with others. It was a new normal for all of us and we had to adapt to it like she did. Validating her fears/feelings went a long way to helping us all adjust.
Hugs to you.
If she is firing up to make a scene when you leave, just say good-bye and go. Don’t try to placate her. If she doesn’t have an audience, she’ll quit. If you visit every day, stop and start visiting a few times a week. She will acclimate to her new way of life and the scenes will become less and less. When she demands you bring her home, firmly tell her when her doctor says she can come home, you’ll discuss it. It’s called the therapeutic fib.
I agree, when she starts just leave. Its like having a preschooler and its their first day of DC. You don't fuss over them you kiss them and leave. They adjust.
Notice that the facility never lets you just walk around and talk to whoever you want to or sit in on some of the activities and talk to the residents in that activity. And they don't invite you to come back multiple times to visit before you make a decision. They want you to sign right away.
I'm not trying to put a guilt trip on anyone for placing their loved one in these facilities. I realize that there are certain circumstances that require this. But I see families who place their loved in these homes and then rarely visit. So you have no idea what goes on. I have personally visited more than 20 of these homes and lived in several. While some are worse than others, they are all about the money at the end of the day. If you can figure out a way to keep your loved one at home and bring in outside help, PLEASE do this. Get cameras.
My brother would be happy not to have to endure a long, slow, slide down; he wishes he could just "go in his sleep" at the ripe old age of 85. I think many of us feel that way, but it isn't always granted to us to die suddenly and while we are still physically and mentally independent. So he meets life with grace and gratefulness for the care he is receiving. People have different needs, different standards, different personalities and most of all different attitudes. Even in the very young and active there are people more or less satisfied with life as it is lived. What is good for one isn't necessarily good for another.
I would definitely advise you to look around if you are unhappy where you are. My brother's facility cannot be the only one that treats people with not just dignity, but with loving care.
There are many, many circumstances in which people cannot take in or care for their loved ones; you are absolutely right about that. As a nurse all my career, now retired, it's my personal opinion that we live too long. Not everything in life is good. Much at the end is just endurance and making the best of it we can. The old meme about old age not being for sissies is so right.
The portrait that you paint of the good old days doesn't match my remembrance of them. True enough, often only the male in the household worked. That often left the female responsible for the aging elders. (That would be in the case of a traditional family, something my brother, as a gay man with no children every had). People "back then" did not live as long as they do today. Last week's Sunday NY Times had an article about the aged caring for the aged today at home; not good that old children with VERY old parents. And I still do recall the plight of my Aunt Edna, who I saw age to a horrible degree, worn, tragic and unhappy all the latter one half of her life, caring for first one grandmother, then the other until she herself was old and used up. No advertisement for the good old days there. As with all things, it was good for some, and perhaps not for others.