My Mom refuses to move out of state with me. Any advice?

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She can't handle a mortgage since I found out she now owes money on her house that was paid off in full when my father died. She took out this money to help her other sibling and that sibling children. She had a steady income coming in when her spouse passed away and spent all of that and took out an additional 100K to help my other siblings. I am ticked off and continues to ask for me to pay for things. We are talking about me paying her from 500 to 2000 additional each month until finding out she was not helping completely for herself but for my other siblings and their kids. Frustrated to know end.

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You might need to tell the relatives that your mother has no money, if that is the case. My own grown brothers thought Mom had financial resources that she did not have. One told the other to ask her for money when he himself had nothing to give him. I told them all how little Mom gets, how much she spends, and that there is absolutely nothing for relatives who cannot make their own way for whatever reason.
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STOP! DO NOT PAY ANOTHER CENT! This will only get worse until you are financially destroyed. Also, get a DURABLE POA, not just a POA so she can't remove you when she loses her mind. And, oh, yeah, this is a pissing contest with a skunk: DON'T BLINK. She either moves out of state with you or she stays there and rots. Don't give in to this emotional and financial blackmail.
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I want to mention that pami68's approach works with my Mom, for the most part. Usually, I might mention what I'm doing and, whether or not she gets upset, by the time we do it she's forgotten we're doing it and, when she's there, is fine. So, her moving in with me was kind of a combination. She did agree to come and we said she'd come to visit and then she kind of just ended up staying.

One more thing to consider -- driving. My mom always said she'd give up her car if she moved to another city because she didn't feel confident that she could learn the streets of a new city. I think she hesitated giving up that independence she got from having the car and that that also made her hesitant to move. She knew she'd be relying on us for rides, everywhere, more or less (although, we are applying for a senior transportation pass for her, next week).

Everyone has their reasons for hesitating and, if you can figure out what they are, you can sometimes figure out ways to get around them. My mom had these reasons:
* She liked being independent.
* She didn't want to be a burden.
* Like most human beings, she avoids change.
* She was afraid she'd hurt my brother's feelings if she moved-in with me and not him.
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I have been a very strong member of Agingcare.Com for the past three years. Since I have been a Care Giver to the elderly and to my mother the past five year, I have shared a great deal of information and experience with Care Givers. At the same time, as I sit here reading what each of you have written, I can't begin to thank those of you who offer experience and wisdom. We have share good times and bad times with our parent(s). We must try to keep in mind the good times and hard times they have experienced during their life. We have had our turn of our parent(s) taking care of us and now it is our turn to help take care of them. We have been taught not to lie. I am sure most of you have heard the expression, "The parent becomes the child and the child becomes the parent". In most cases this statement is very true. I agree with what (IsntEasy) said, "KEEP IN MIND - when you're dealing with someone who has dementia, you'll always get further by entering their reality (even if it means fibbing and no matter how frustrating it is to you). In your mom's case, she KNOWS that she has the money to be the great benefactor to her relatives and no dose of reality from you will change that, so take a different approach. Be creative!". Please note my prayers are with each of you. Sincerely. Eva Lynn Pearl
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Yes that is true and if you are not familiar with it, let us know and we will tell you.
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p.s. - You should contact each of the leaching relatives and explain how the Medicaid look-back period works.
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I have to tell you that I have seen this in action and it is not a pretty picture. My sister in law had a wonderful job and great pay. One day she had a brain aneurysm and died at 47. When my ex and his mother went into her home, she was living in absolute poverty circumstances in a house that would have to be torn down. How did she get this way? She had brothers and sisters who were leaches and stood around with their hands out constantly. She was a good sister and a soft touch and she ran up her credit card bills horribly to HELP ALL OF THEM! Her credit cards bills were huge and there was not way to pay anything off so they had to let the dilapidated house go back to the bank and they told all creditors there was no money to pay them and then they had to just toss all the mail that piled in.

I personally do not understand anyone that is willing to borrow/TAKE money from someone and never pay it back. These family members in your mothers life are BLOOD SUCKERS who will bleed her dry then pick her bones.

If you want to save her, you must get her Power of Attorney immediately for Finances and Medical then you have to step in and take over. Her accounts go into your name and you become the "gatekeeper" who no longer allows any family member or anyone else to take a penny from her. You will then be in charge of everything.

If you want to cut your losses and get out, then you move without Mom and let her melt down on her own. Do not be surprised if when she is on her absolute last leg, you find her sitting on your doorstep. She will most likely have no money and not be eligible for Medicaid as she has WASTED ALL HER MONEY AND WILL NOT PASS THE MEDICAID 5 YEAR LOOK BACK, SO YOU WILL BE RESPONSIBLE FOR HER CARE!

I feel for you!! Good Luck!
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I agree with Jeweltone....think long and hard before you move her in with you, She won't change her spending (or any other) habits just because she moves and it sounds like she is testing your patience levels now.

Would she qualify for Medicaid? Do you think she could keep the house for now and perhaps get some caregivers in place for help? If she is really in debt and can't pay for the house, is she ready for long-term care? Is she a danger to herself? I know, she could move in with this sibling :)

Pipruby has a good idea with setting up a payee to handle the finances especially if she is giving away money she needs to pay her bills.

How far away do you live? How often are you able to see her in person? Did her sibling and sibling's children take the money while knowing she can't afford to be giving money away? If they did, shame on them! We have this problem with my dad; fortunately in small amounts. He thinks he should always be the one paying when he and my mom go out for dinner with anyone, gives gas money to my sister and nephews and tries to give me gas money any time I drive up to see them. He doesn't realize that he needs to watch his budget because little amounts add up quickly.
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What Pip said, too...
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If your mother is in some why incapacitated such that she is not able to protect herself, contact Adult Protective services about your siblings' taking financial advantage of her. They can either set up a payee, so you are not in the middle of it all getting everyone's wrath, and help set her up in an appropriate living situation and see that it gets paid for. I also don't know if an elder lawyer might be helpful in addition to the usual purposes, to attempt to get money back that was "loaned" to the siblings. You may also be able to sell her house, assuming it is over #100K in value, and put the proceeds into a trust for your mother's care.
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