My mother moved in with me and my daughter 2 years ago and it has been a nightmare. She is 76 years old, is a substitute teacher part time and receives social security too. I am a single mom so it helped that she paid part of the rent but I pay all of the utillities, pay her cell phone for the past 16 years, pay for her special dog food she feels her dog needs and pick up other things for her off and on when i can afford it. All I asked of her was to try and help conserve on the utilities bill and clean up after herself and her dog. This has become a nightmare that is very stressful. We agreed on settings for the heat and air but when I come home its always the air is turned colder, the heat is turned higher, or lights are on everywhere. Its always an argument too. She says I make enough to afford the extra utilities and that I am just "abusing an elderly person". Last night when my daughter and I came home there were lights on in the house in parts she never goes into. I asked her "Please do not turn on the lights in my daughter's room upstairs when she is not home." She blew up, told me that I was being bitchy and that I needed to stop the elderly abuse because it was bad on her health. Last month when this happened she threw a cup of coffee at me. It never stops. I feel like she is trying to break me financially and doesn't care about what she wastes or what she says to me. She has called me a f.... bi.... in the past too. I know she is getting older and has some health concerns but I cannot live like this anymore. I have talked to her about her moving out and finding a nice apartment to live in and she screams at me that she is not leaving and that I am committing elderly abuse by threatening her that she needs to find another place to live. I am tired of being maniupulated by my mother. I'm tired of her making me feel like I am a horrible daughter just because I want to be financially responsible and not spend every dime I have which she has done. She even cancelled her life insurance policy for burial and told me after the fact and told me its my responsibility to bury her. I offered to pay for the policy but didnt' realize she let it lapse until 4 months past. My whole adult life it seems like I have had to cover for one thing or another for her and she attempts to guilt me into it if I say no. Her general comment is that "she is going to die and then I'm going to be sorry and God isn't going to be happy with me with how I treat her." I can't take it anymore. I have no problem with her living with me if she just wasn't so mean, wasteful, and controlling. I don't think she will every change though. She has been divorced 3 times. She has only 1 friend. I was a fool for thinking it would work. What should I do?
If you're in USA, your state's Dept of Aging would be a good resource for you to tap as well. Depending on your area, there are programs to help your mom be independent in her new apartment.
Would you say, looking back, that in fact you've been being loaded up with responsibility for your mother for a lot longer than the two years she's actually been living with you?
Three divorces. One surviving friendship. One burned out daughter. And I don't like to ask what impact she is having on her grandchild.
Read 'Understanding the Borderline Mother.' Even if your mother doesn't fall neatly into some nice convenient category, it will give you excellent step-by-step guidance to detaching with love.
There is one obvious alternative to finding somewhere else for your mother to live and giving her notice and following it through. And that is for you and your daughter to find somewhere else to live, and decline to take your mother with you.
If your mother is still holding down a part-time professional job and claiming her entitlements and so on, it seems unlikely that she is as yet experiencing a mental decline that would explain or excuse her confrontational attitude. So it doesn't sound as though you need worry that you are abandoning a sick old woman in her hour of need. You'd be leaving behind a functioning, autonomous adult who has destroyed almost all of her relationships and has now done the same with you. Not your fault. You need to take care of yourself and your daughter; and then once you're safe, you can revisit your relationship with your mother and shape it into one with workable boundaries.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I hope you find a way.
Has she always been this mean to you?
And that was the first and last time my mom tried that. Unfortunately- mom still had a playbook full of other things to torture me with down the line.
Tell Mom...you need to move. It is clear Mom does not want to be there, and she does not want to live with you any more.
in the landlord business this is called the "happy clause"
It goes like this.... "Mom, I am really sorry you are so unhappy here. Try as I may to make a good environment and keep reasonable control of the finances, it is most apparent that none of this pleases you. I do not want you to be so totally unhappy. I will assist you in finding new living arrangements for Nov 1st. I will assist you in moving you possessions out. I hope that you will find greater happiness in your new home".
You need to make that decision stick. Seriously...if she decides to pick up the phone and tell APS you are abusive..your life will be turned up-side-down.
Make sure she understands...she is moving Nov 1st.