Mom refuses to go to bed at her bedtime. Any ideas on what to do?

My mother has a bedtime routine between 8-9 pm. Some nights she is wide awake so after an hour or two if she is still awake I will give her melatonin 5 mg per her doctor and off to sleep she goes within 45 minutes and sleeps sound the entire night. I would discuss it with her doctor and go from there. Good luck.

Obviously 9PM is not her bedtime. We all have circadian clocks which establishes our circadian rhythms which is built in but can be altered by external factors. Have you ever heard of “night owls” or “morning people”? They are that way because of their circadian clocks.

I like Ishep's routine. Melatonin is one of the external factors that can modify one's internal clock. OTC sleep aides are not a good idea. Giving her mom melatonin and then going thru a bedtime routine seems to work well with her mom. There are also very inexpensive prescription drugs that can help, call her doctor to get advise.

I relate to this one. My DH aunt wants to stay in her chair snoozing much of the day. In the evenings she enjoys tv. Doesn’t want to go to bed but needs to change her pull-up before she gets in the bed or she will wet the bed and then there is the extra laundry etc. plus it’s not healthy to have her soiled pull-up on for that many hours. she sometimes changes on her own but she sometimes doesn’t.
I don’t really care what time she goes to bed BUT I do care about a wet bed just because she can’t be bothered to go change. It makes extra work for others. I tell her to change then go back to watch tv. But she knows (and I know) once she gets close to that bed, she’s ready to lie down.
Im not with her each day but when I am, I notice in the morning she will be crabby and not want to get her day started if she stays up late. Another day she might head to bed at 7 or 8, put on her pjs and handle it all very well. Her aide has started coming at 8:30 instead of 8 to give her a little longer before she starts with her meds. The aide normally works until 11, now 11:30. If aunt doesn’t get up, it defeats part of the reason the aide is there. So, I understand OP wanting her Mom to go to bed. 9 would be too early for sure for Aunt but it’s almost 1:30 am right now and I can hear her tv.
DH is thinking of putting a timer on the tv to go off at 11.
He has a remote for it and will stand where she can’t see him and turn it down and sometimes off. She just thinks it went off on its own.
I think it’s one thing to have the right to go to bed when you want to but if you are depending on someone else to help with ADLs, then that’s where one persons rights bump into someone else’s so bedtime must be negotiated when living space is being shared.
And it is nice to know that all the chores have been done for the day and to have a little time to relax before bed.

Keep her awake during the day. No napping. If she falls asleep during the day, wake her up. This will he tough at first, but it should help.
Then ask her doctor to prescribe a sleeping medication that can be put into food or drink. Give her snack or a drink about 30 minutes before you put her to bed. That should help as well.

I hope my family doesn't expect me to go to bed by 9pm. I am up till 12 and after now. I wish I could have kept my Mom up passed 9 but she was ready by then. She did get up at least once in the night but slept to 8 or later.

We try to have my mother in bed by 10:30 each night, and after a lot of ups and downs, including resistance due to her intermittent anxiety/anger/stubbornness (and then her getting up trying to get out of bed in the middle of the night) we have a routine now that works most of the time. Around 9:50 pm we give her 2 melatonin. We get her in her wheelchair about 10:10 and take her and put her on the toilet. After that, I wash her denture and we get her teeth brushed. By the time all that is done, she usually doesn't resist bedtime, she's ready. It seems like it's evolved into a natural, easy segway to the bed. As far as naps, we don't encourage them anymore (she use to nap every day) because they seem to mess with "the routine". We have also noticed that sometimes the issues with my mom that are super frustrating like refusing to go to bed, refusing to shower, refusing to sit on the toilet go away after a while. For instance, she use to resist going to the toilet but I'd tell her I had medicine I need to put on her skin (she worries about bedsores) and that seemed to solve that in time. She rarely resists anymore. Usually some new issue takes the place of anything that is resolved so, in the words of Roseanne Roseannadanna, "It's always something". Good luck!

Light exercise, in her chair, during the day might help. Also, maybe try 10pm.

All the best

Is she napping a lot during the day? Try minimizing the daytime napping, and perhaps she'll be more ready for bed at an earlier time.

Your mother is an adult. Is there a medical reason for a bedtime?

Is there a good reason that you're wanting her in bed at 9:00? Maybe she just doesn't want to go to bed that early. Have you tried keeping her up later and if so, have you had better luck with her cooperating then? Bedtime for everyone should be a peaceful and stress free time, as it's the time for our bodies to start and wind down for the day. Arguing with her, I'm sure doesn't help the situation either, although I certainly understand that caregiving is very stressful, and we all have our limitations. So if you have reached the point where her care is just too much for you, then looking for the appropriate facility is probably the next best step.

And as an afterthought, have you tried giving her some Melatonin about a half hour before you want her settled in? If not, you might to give that a try. Wishing you the best.