We stay home and she rests and sleeps 20 out of 24 hours. Yesterday my sister spent the day with her. They drove 1.5 hours to a casino, enjoyed themselves there for 2 hours, drove back and then ate dinner out. How can I become more effective at keeping mom active?
You do not ask questions that require a "yes" or "no" response.
She will continue to say no.
Start with easier choices and see how it goes.
Invite others in to visit: a volunteer; perhaps a college student in a geriatric, nursing, psycholog/counseling, or creative arts majors.
- Introduce this person as a friend of the family (or whatever will resonate in a positive way). Don't say she is a caregiver.
Ask more (?) open ended questions if she doesn't have severe dementia so she can express how she feels.
Respond with:
"I understand you feel xxx (reflect her words back to her)" and
"that must be really hard." = shows compassion and support.
Try a massage: she may respond more positively to communicate in ways other than verbal (consider all the senses).
- You can hire a professional experienced working with older, depressed people.
- you can find students in a massage school needing hours.
- Anyone can give a gentle foot, hand massage although it is essential to know counter-indicators = when / where / how not to massage.
*** The key is the touch connection that is gentle, soothing, enjoyable - even for a few moments / minutes. I am a massage therapist.
If she is in a wheel chair, get her out in the yard / garden - to see flowers, nature. If you don't have a garden, see if you can get her in the car and take her to a park or Botanical Garden.
You do what you can as you can - you tell her whatever will work.
You use strategy that supports the well-being of your mom.
Honesty takes on a different meaning when dealing with an older person who is depressed / has dementia / in pain.
If you know something might hook her in - then tell her this.
* If she is in good much pain, which could be - she likely won't agree to do anything.
* If this happens, try to focus on non-verbal / easy connecting activities, like a hand or foot massage, if she is receptive to it.
Gena / Touch
Does your mother get up for meals? If she doesn't make her start. Don't serve her in bed. Give her small 'chores' to do like folding laundry. Tell her that it would really help you out. Small chores can make her feel useful and encourage her to get out of bed.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that your sister probably doesn't see or talk to your mother all that much, so when she does it's a big deal to her. Of course, this is only one possible reason, but I have years of experience caregiving for the elderly and with the behaviors that come with dementia.
Many times when one adult child is the caregiver, the elder simply sees them as a servant. They turn on that adult child caregiver and often make them a trigger for all kinds of negative and bad behaviors even depression. Not only have I worked with all of this, I lived it too. It doesn't matter if the adult child is doing everything for someone and seem happy to do it. If the elder has made them a trigger for the behaviors or turned on them, it makes no difference. Nothing you do can change it.
So, I'm going to tell you the best thing you can do. Save yourself. If your mother wants to sleep 20 hours a day, and won't try anything what can you do? Only let her do the sleeping in a memory care facility so you can take your life back.
Your sister can pick her up once in a while and take her out somewhere. LTC facilities don't prohibit this.
I think you are saying you don’t understand why your mom went out with your sister but won’t for you? Sounds like your sister is the drop in hero? And you may be getting a little frustrated with your situation?
Being frustrated is a normal response bc it’s like navigating unknown waters! We are not taught important things in life ( ie chiildcare, finances, regulating emotions, etc) and we sure didn’t learn how to take care of a parent that has a “broken brain”.
Ppl are right about not giving choices. Sometimes the elderly parent doesn’t know that going out with you might be a good thing for them. But make sure she is comfortable ( not in pain) and talk with her about what’s bothering her. Most times ppl just want to be heard😊
Building trust is important with your mother. And communicating with her will build that trust. If she knows she can talk to you and is safe that will help you in dealing with her.
And like some have said use the time your sister drops in for yourself! Enjoy it. You deserve it and have earned it!
Just know that your mom has limited time here and once she’s gone you’ll have plenty of time for yourself. You will look back on this time and have good feelings on it.
This is, hands down, one of the hardest jobs we’ll have but one of the most important! You are a great daughter for taking care of your mother❤️
Sing songs she used to know, The only thing that did not work is giving a paint brush, paint, and paper, Even doing it with her was too overwhelming for her to try.. too many steps…she did not comprehend and it was too much.
Do you know that she enjoyed the outing to a casino and dinner?
She may prefer to be left alone to sleep.
If you feel you should engage her in something when she is awake, don't ask, just do. Take her to the table where you have a simple puzzle or an easy game or a photo album. If she is task oriented, give her some small towels to fold or socks to match out of the dryer. Have her sort silverware, separate knives, spoons and forks. Seriously, don't push her to do too much. Her brain is taxed. Her brain is working so hard to process every small bit of stimuli.
If she enjoys socializing with others, find an adult day care - but plan on a short period of time, only one or two days a week. Don't leave her there for the day. She will become exhausted and agitated.
But it is hard for a single or even two caregivers working together to create that environment on their own.
My 92 year old mother-in-law w mid to early advanced stage dementia enjoyed an activity program 4-5 days per week (depending on other med appts). Yes, some days she opted to rest in a recliner while there, but most days something piqued her curiosity (music, dance, art projects, balloon volleyball).
Re meds and meals
Again, she responded to the environment. If we went straight home from her day program, it would be a fight all night long to get two spoonfuls of food and meds in her … however, we found a cafe with a kind staff and stopped every night on our way home. Everyone was eating so she wanted to eat too — and NOT be left out. Her meds were just another part of the process/meal while we were out.
HOPE that helps and provides some ideas.
It taught me so much as i was caring for my Mom from 2020-2022. I leaned so much about empathy , compassion and imagining being in that person's place. How would I want to be treated.
It was the hardest thing I ever did and the most important.
Mom passed away at 99-1/2.
a hug of compassion for you.
DH and I are in our late 70s and find we are slowing down. Can't imagine what our 80s will be like. You don't say how old Mom is and how advanced her Dementia is? I will bet that day out did her in for a couple of days.
A dementia patient does not need to be kept active unless she herself wishes it. Often we project our own needs onto them. If that might be the case, find a sitter to stay with mom while she sleeps for 20 hours. Then you and sister can go to a casino and have a fun day. Bingo!
Sometimes we adult children project onto our elderly parents how we think they should be living.
I stopped cajouling my LO. She gets to live like she wants, eat what she wants, etc.
If you say "Mom, do you want to go for a ride?" she will say "no"
If you say "Mom, we are going for a ride." then you get her into the car and go get lunch or an ice cream or just drive around.
The fewer choices and options you give the better.
It is typical in the later stages of dementia to sleep 20+ hours a day but if mom was able to do a 3 hour car ride and manage to get around a casino for 2 hours that does not sound like later stage of dementia.