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My question is: My mom "IS" in a Nursing home and refuses to cooperate. She will NOT eat in the dining room (takes some meals in her room Only - Refuses to take showers and we have to go in and help them force her to shower (she then swings at you calling you every name in the book - She refuses any activity or therapy - we set her up for eye and ear appointments, she refused to let the doctors even touch her, and after 3 tries they gave up and cancelled the appointments. She just wants to go home. Which is NOT an option. She has Alzheimer's, which has progressed to the point where she can NOT be alone and needs the supportive care. What happens NEXT - if she keeps refusing to cooperate, my sisters and myself have no clue what could happen next.
Thank You
Desperate for advice

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I’m new at this...I’ve helped friends with family who have dementia but now it’s my mom. She’s 94 yrs never widowed since 1980, dad had lung cancer died within 6 mos, both her parents died with differ cancer in their 70’s. She’s never been sick except had a hysterectomy yrs ago. Just had cold or flu this is major for her. She’s always been very active volunteer for hospitals, Sr center, helped others by driving them to store for food, doctor appts etc. she’s traveled all over, did her own thing until last year. She had heart attack in October 2017 but don’t say that cause she says the doctor said she had a strong heart which she does but it was a heart attack. When I went to see her to help anyway I could her friends started telling me of her attitude had changed, she couldn’t memory certain things, had trouble with dates names they wanted her to tell me but she said no didn’t want me to worry. I’m her only child & we’ve never had a good relationship.....I was raised by my grandparents, her parents from a year old....she worked all her life so did my dad but our life was neither good nor bad, it was dysfunctional. One minute I was a princess, the next a brat, the next I didn’t love them. So growing up I got nurturing from my grandparents. I bought her my home in December for Christmas she fell in her room & fractured her right pelvis in hospital for 4 days than to convalescence home..it was ok at first but after a couple of weeks the dementia got worst she’s refusing treatment, her mediation’s, won’t sleep in the bed,won’t bathe, throwing the meds at nurses,both her calves & feet r so swollen I’m afraid for her, she won’t let them put medicine on them or take meds, they call me at all hrs. Don’t know what to do? I pray fo4 Gods wisdom & guidance. I try different tactics to get her to do things but it’s not working. They don’t know what to do either? She says things to me I won’t repeat, very hateful. I know she’s scared, losing control over her life is hard but I love her & want the best care for her. I’m at a place where I don’t know where to turn. I know I’m not alone but it feels like it. I know her & ive come to realize that in her mind if she refuses everything they will give up & let her go or I’ll come & take her home which neither is going to happen...she even tried to get out the front door in her wheelchair that wasn’t pleasant to say the least. They r going to have a  psychiatrist come & see her. So this is where my mom & I are. 
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Yes - she was always demanding, angry, and it always had to be her way or no way. I know with Alzheimer's there personality usually mimics how they were before the decease, she has just gotten even less cooperative now. We are hoping and working towards what is best for her, this is going to be a rough road ! But if she would only let the doctors help her it could go a bit smoother. But again Thank you all for your advice !
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A nursing home can at some point state that they cannot take care of someone with a certain level of needs. It sounds like she needs a trip back to the geropsychiatric unit, unless you can actually find a medical issue causing her increased agitation and paranoia, such as untreated pain or infection. Sorry you and she are going through this. Was this in any way characteristic of how she acted before developing dementia?
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Thank All of you for the advice and direction ! I know I Will try all of these suggestions'.
Thanks Again.
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Oh and watch some Teepa Snow videos, caregiver training, on YouTube.
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You talk about giving her options. At these places do they ask if Mom wants to do something? Most if given an option will choose to not cooperate. Instead she should be approached with "it is time for a shower, let's go". Options often confuse them. And if the mention of a shower is the problem, don't tell her, get her to the shower room first. No options equates to very structured life, which is best for those with dementia.
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Been through similar issues & it is very stressful! If she did ok in the psych unit but not now it may be worth screening her for a bladder infection. Bladder infections can make behaviours so much worse. I would also suggest having a geriatric psychiatrist see her. They are skilled in managing these behaviours with meds to calm aggitation and improve sleep (whic helps lesson agitation as well). They can help tweek her existing meds as well. Good luck & hope you both find peace soon!
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Just sending hugs. What a difficult situation!
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It does take people with dementia time to adjust to different living circumstances during which they can be very self-destructive. My Mom was just awful for over a month and still says horrible stuff about my family behind my back. Dislike of bathing/showering is apparently typical of dementia and caregivers are trained to work with this. The nursing home may insist on transfer to a 'memory care' unit that is prepared to cope better with her bad behaviors but usually they give the elder a chance to adjust. Unless Mom threatens other residents. Try talking with the director of nursing at the nursing home, or whatever goes for administration there, to learn a bit about how they work, what to expect. Good luck. Mom sounds like a real pill.
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Thank You kathyt1, we are waiting for the appointment with the therapist, they had to cancel 2ce now because she refuses, but we are hopeful. But it is hard to just let go, when care so much and want what is best for her, but we will be trying.
Babalou - No she was not cooperative there either. The only place she cooperated was in the Psychiatric Ward at the hospital - they had a Very Strict routine and did not give her the option, she had to do what was asked of her and on there time frame. But I think that was only because she thought if she cooperated she would be released to go home. Which they told us was Not an option. The Nursing home has requested we Stay Away for at least 3 weeks, and we have been doing that. 3 weeks later and it is no better. Can the nursing home kick her out if she does not cooperate ? Or do they keep working with her ? Is there any point when she will not have an option to refuse, and be made to take meals in the dinning room and showers on a regular basis. Too many questions going through my head.
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Was she more cooperative at the last place? Have you been advised not to visit for a few weeks to let her settle in? I think we need more back story.
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This is an insurmountable problem, in which you have no knowledge, dementia. This is where a therapist who deals with dementia can be a godsend. Your mother is in a different world, fighting for her existence. A therapist will explain her world to you, and give definitive advice on how to deal with her. I find my therapist invaluable to understand my Dad. One of the tricks he taught is to step back, sometimes insurmountable problems solve themselves. Soon your Mom will be gone, lost in her own world. This is a temporary situation. Let go, and let God.
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She has been there for over a month now, was in a previous Nursing home for a month prior to this one and then transferred to where she is now.
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How long has she been there? Those with dementia often exhibit the behaviors you are describing. Moving those with dementia is very difficult. Be patient, hopefully with time she will adjust.
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