Where does the strength and will to continue caring come from when Mom refuses to care for herself?

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My Mother is only 73 but she has crippling arthritis, osteoporosis, a knee replacement she never done the therapy for, but mostly depression. Mother has lost everyone in her life besides me. Her firstborn, her parents, both husbands and her only sister. When my sister (her bestfriend) died in 97 she grieved for 3 years heavily. My step dad was alive then and helped her through that. 5 years later he died with cancer. She grieved but not as much due to my 14 year old son moving in with her. He was always her boy anyway haha. Long story here so bear with me. After a life threatening accident and doctors feeding me oxycontin for 1 1/2 years I became addicted to pain pills that eventually turned in to a meth addiction (4 years clean today) which landed my daughter in the home with her. I finally asked God that if he couldn't take it away to just kill me and i was arrested and locked away from home for 2 years. My daughter got pregnant and I returned home 2 days after the birth of my grandson to find Mom just not doing so well. She just out of the blue stopped coming out of her room, stopped going to town, She simply STOPPED MOVING. I realized that the statistic ulcer which she has had since she was 32 had busted open again bigger and deeper thab ever. It's on her ankle so this was the reason for the mobility issue. The problem is that the ulcer has been healed for a year now and she still refuses to do anything for herself. I tried everything. Tried getting her to have coffee on the porch, to take trips to wal mart she could ride the scooters, uh tried getting her to sit in the living room ,I tried everything but she falls back on it hurts to bad to be mobile. So i go and get her a wheel chair, a scooter was donated, she has a walker, a cane etc.. No reason to be sitting around waiting on me to wate on her hand and foot anymore. I tried telling her she is loosing what she is not useing and if she would use it it would hurt less everytime but she refuses. The dr.s said to stop cooking 3 meals a day for her so i did...She has lost almost 100 lbs in this last year. It is depression. She refuses to tell me what she needs because she says she doesn't want to be a burden but evidently she does or she would get up use the wheel chair to pop herself a bisquit in the oven and wait on it to ding. Her finances... Oh I just do not know what she is doing with her money but we are about to starve. I mean i am paying her to live here(which i think is wrong) and she still expects me to buy the groceries. She makes triple in a mth than i do on my disability. I have rambled on so long i'm not sure where the question is but it's only me to care for her and i love her but she takes me for granted and acts as if I owe her . I do it all at Mom's housE AND PAY HER TO LET ME DO IT! Feeling drained, taken for granted and o verwhelmed. God knows I love her but I do not like her right now. She can help herself she just simply refuses to. The equipment is here and i do 99% of everything. How do I make her realize i'm almost 50 not 21 and she is taking advantage of me?

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Hi Dixielicious,
I'm so glad you wrote. You weren't rambling - you were just telling us your feelings. Your situation isn't good for your or your mother. Of course you love her, but her depression is keeping her from doing what is good for her. You understand that but are frustrated at the same time. That is only human.

She's used to you doing it all, and you have disabilities yourself. Have you checked with social services to see what options exist in your state? Could you ask for a social worker to come to your home to help you sort things out?

Your mother may qualify for assisted living or a nursing home. You should be able to take care of your own disability issues without worrying every minute about your mother.

ou do need outside help. There is no shame in that. Please call your local social services or your Area Agency on Aging and see what help is available.

Keep us posted on how you are doing. We are pulling for you.
Carol
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I know how you feel....maybe u need to move out of your moms home the hopes she would have to either get help in or do for herself....u are maybe enableing her....i too do alot for my Dad but I wont move in with him I have my own house....this actually forces him to be a little independant. ..he makes his own coffee in the morning and gets his own cereal....walks his dog...i do his grocery shopping...pay all his bills online.....take him to drs apts ....hes 89 and has bad mobility issues....but takes his scooter out to get his mail around the corner.....has meals in wheels deliver his dinner every day....and is doing the best he can....stubborn old man for sure...but refuses to go into a home wants to live & die in the house. My Mom passed away in Feb 2013.. .she did everything the house is filthy dirty but he insists hes cleaning it so we juat let him think that. You have to take a step backwards and realize u need to look after #1 or u will be no good to anyone....i to suffer from my own medical issues....please figure out a way to get out of there for your own health and well being....before ur in the same state of depression she is in....ask for help... xoxo
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With all due respect ohmoondance....sometimes putting them in a home us not an option!!! From where Im from if they are not deemed as if they cant think or speak for themselves, they dont have to do anything they dont want too. Here in canada....u cant just stick people in homes because they are old....even if you think thats where they should be....sometimes it takes drastic measures to allow that person to realize they need help themselves.....you maybe a care giver & an RN but please dont forget the majority of us here on this website are caregivers, nurses, doctors, etc etc...and that every situation is as unique as the person in it...haveva great day everyone.
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You don't make her realize anything!
You need to have your mom placed in an adult living home, a nursing home, or call adult protective services in your area, for help & assistance.
I am speaking as a care giver of my husband who suffers from Solvent Dementia & I am also a R.N., still working at home & in the field.
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Depression is huge. I am not a big advocate for more meds, yet, maybe in this instance a trip to a geriatric psychiatrist would be a good start . The Dr. that sees MIL started out with piling on the chores for me, I had to remind him that my time is already spoken for, that was when he offered reasonable solutions in our area.
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My mother is also 73 and even though I get aggravated with the nursing home, I also don't know what I would do without them. I am 53 and I have done what I think was best. Due to her mental status and years of inpatient care, there was no problem getting her to go...with the dept of children/families assistance also in getting her there. GOOD LUCK TO YOU MY FRIEND and God bless you!
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My mother is 87 and I live downstairs from her, She has fallen, been in and out of rehabs for a total of 12 wks in the pass 5 mos. Before that she has been in and out of the hospital for excess fluid in her legs and lungs. She has congestive heart failure. She has had in house therapy and everyone tells her she must walk, do her exercises and not just sit in her chair all day. She refuses to walk or do exercises and she keeps filling up with fluid. My dad refuses to stop getting her everything she wants and it is killing him he is 89. This last time she went to rehab because she fell out of her bed. We bought a hospital bed for when she came back home with sides. She spent 5 more weeks in rehab trying to strengthen her legs and arms. We also bought her a lift chair at home so she could just press a button to sit up and put her legs up. She refuses to walk and keep her legs up. The other nite she made my dad sleep in the hospital bed and she slept in the big bed that she fell out of. I couldn't sleep all nite waiting for her to fall out again. I am 65 on disability, I have had 2 hip replacements and now I need a knee replacement but won't have anything done because I am the only one to take care of my parents. My mom went on hospice but she refuses any of there services, she now just wets her pants and wets her bed because she just won't get up and go to the bathroom. I am at wits end with her and both her and my dad argue with me because I get upset about her laziness. It has now begun to affect my health but I just don't know what to do. I have gotten every service she can have , she has a walker, cane, wheel chair, . I do all there meds for them., grocery shop for them, pay there bills, take dad to drs. I just don't know how much more I can put up with and now my brother is saying I am not taking good care of them, he lives 5,000 miles away but has alot to say but won't help. I needed a week away and asked him to come for a week to watch over my parents and he refused. I am just at wits end.
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Dixielicious......It looks like you have a lot on your plate and You do deserve much credit for all you have attempted to do to help your mother and your daughter. If your mother has health insurance...then maybe a home health agency can come in to assist with her needs..this will lessen the load some for you. I'm not fond of the nursing homes either, but in my case, it was needed for what I could not handle. Good luck to you! (Terri in florida)
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First off let me say thank you for responding. However I simply refuse to put my mother into a home, i have worked in nursing homes and been a home health caregiver for years and I know how people get treated in those places. I love her and I owe her for my raising. I am in the home with her because my teenaged daughter got pregnant at 17 and was living here with her due to my failure . It is a long story with mother and I but we never really liked each other and after being violently attacked and left for dead in 1998( reason for being disabled) I found myself in a destructive path of a drug addiction. I took my daughter to my Mother after my house burned down in 2006 and the addiction became my life. I went into rehab after finding out my daughter was pregnant. Upon release i moved in here to care for the baby for her to finish high school. My husband walked out on me while i was in rehab and mothers health continued to decline. She become totally immobile due to a statistic ulcer on her ankle (she has had this issue since she was 35) and she needs a knee replacement on the other. It took over a year to get her up on her feet again.The daughter and grandchild is gone now and Mom is back up on her feet but I can't see me buying a home now knowing that it wont be long at all till i'm back here fulltime and have you looked at what rent on anything cost htese days? My disability is only 750.00 a mth. I couldnt afford to rent me a place.
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