What should or could I do about my stubborn Mom who refuses to admit she needs to be in an ALF? - AgingCare.com

What should or could I do about my stubborn Mom who refuses to admit she needs to be in an ALF?

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My mother who lives in NJ has been somewhat estranged from me for the the past 37 years. She is now in a situation where she should be in a assisted living facility. She has been caring for herself with the help of her family and my brother who lived with her up until he past away last January, and now because she doesn't listen to anyone and keeps getting hurt, basically becoming a burden to her sisters who are also older. They now are calling for me to take responsibility of the situation. These are individuals that haven't spoken to me for almost twenty years. My wife, kids and I live in NC. Could I be legally forced to take responsibility of the situation? Please don't think that I am heartless, but we are a struggling family ourselves both emotionally and monetarily. This could very well be the wave that sinks my family.

Thank you for any advise.

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I guess the next question is how do you find out who has your mother's POA. The best way to do that would be to ask your mother. Usually, when you set up POA documents, there is a primary and then a secondary POA and sometimes there is even a third POA. If your deceased brother was her POA, then the POA is now whoever was listed as secondary. If that is you and you don't want to be your mother's POA, then you need to sign a document stating that in front of a notary and have them sign and seal the document. If the secondary POA is not you, then you need not concern yourself with this situation and can just carry on with your life as usual. If the secondary POA is one of your mother's sisters and she doesn't want it, then you all need to discuss this fact and she needs to sign a document stating that she refuses to act as your mother's POA and then determine who SHOULD be the POA.

BTW, there really isn't much of a downside to being someone's POA. It gives you complete access to their medical information and financial assets and you have complete power to determine things such as where the person will live, what doctors they will see and so forth. You are responsible for paying their bills out of their financial assets, but you are not financially responsible for them from your own money. If your mother ran out of money you would be responsible for applying for medicaid for her and getting her a medicaid room in a nursing home. If your mother has a lot of money and assets, then you would have a lot of options. For example, you can sell your mother's home in order to pay for her care. You can also claim reasonable expenses from her estate, such as your travel, hotel, and food expenses while you are in NJ taking care of moving her to an ALF and selling her home and various items from her estate. These expenses are at least partially tax deductible for your mother.


But the place to start is finding out who the POA is, if there is one. If there isn't, then there needs to be a POA. If you don't want to act as POA, and no one else in the family wants to be POA, then you can hire an estate attorney, have the POA drawn up and hire someone to act as POA. That person would draw a salary for this responsibility from your mother's estate.
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I'm not sure, as I mentioned in my question I have been somewhat estranged from that side of the family for years. I do believe they are going to asses her mental capacity today. I have a very disturbing feeling in my gut when I think of signing anything (if it comes to that). I do know that her family does not care for my families future or well being and they just want to remove themselves from the situation, which as crazy as it sounds I do understand. I
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At least call the Adult Protective Servcies for her area and explain to them what is going on. They will do a well check on her and assess her situation. I am not sure about your legal obiligation since you live out of state. New Jersey and North Carolina have filial responsibility laws, but it is rarely enforced. How could it be arranged for your mother to move into an assisted facility? Who has POA on your mother?
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I'm in the same boat. Mom is 86 but every time she ends up in the hospital, she talks her way out. She refuses to move, says it is too expensive (Medicaid won't cover AL), doesn't want to be with "those people". No you can't be forced to take over and even if you did, she still won't move. If she is declared incompetent by a JUDGE, a guardian would be appointed and she could be carted off kicking and screaming. That's a rough way to handle it, so we leave Mom in her home, she has a visiting nurse once a week ordered by the MD. She has a medical alert pendant but refuses to push the button, preferring to call one of us in an emergency. When the RN and the MD agree she cannot be alone, I guess we'll have to get a court order and a straight jacket.
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