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I've tried everything form Ensure, to pedialite, She refuse to go get medical attention, She has lost so much weight.I'm afraid she is starving herself to death. Her sisters say I can be charged with Murder or something for just letting her lay there and die. Ive tried everything. I do not have power of attorney and she is good mind when anybody ask her qestions. Help Please

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I doubt it. Are you the only one taking care of her? How old is she? Have her sisters tried to come in and feed her?

There are two problems: Getting her to eat, and Protecting yourself from charges of neglect.

Will she eat ice cream or fruit smoothies? Does she have a terminal disease? When was the last time a doctor saw her? There is medication that will increase her appetite. If she becomes unconscious, you can call 911 and have her taken to the hospital, where they can feed her.

If she is truly dying, and knows her time is near, her body may no longer want any food. It can be cruel to try to force a dying person to eat. If she is just depressed, and not yet near dying, she may need an antidepressant to make her want to live.

To protect yourself, make sure there are witnesses to your efforts to feed her and get her to the doctor.

This is a very sad and difficult situation. Give us more details, and we may have better advice.
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im not experienced with this issue but if it were me id ask aps to look in on her. if she is indeed failing her body will not require or accept food but for legal purposes and peace of mind id let authorities make a decision concerning her well being. they may bring a nurse to the home if its medical facilities that your mother is resisting.
you may face legal liability if you dont seek a professional opinion .
this is what i think i would do.
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You do not need POA to take her to the doctors. You need to seek out medical attention for her, especially if she is in your care. Do do otherwise is neglect and you could be charged with elder abuse. Her refusal for medical care is called self harm in her case. Call APS to protect you and your mother.
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Call Hospice and they will evaluate. What you hear from her sisters is just their grief talking. Hospice is (229) 246-6330
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Hi there. My mother hasn't given up eating yet, but always complains of her stomach hurting. Her regular Dr. (that supplies her pain medications) wanted to send her to a specialist. Mom keeps refusing any additional care. I asked her Dr. if I could get in trouble because of this. He told me, "No" since she is still able to make her own decisions. (She lives with me, and I am the POA.). You say that your mother is in "good mind". To set your mind at ease, I agree with the above comments regarding a professional opinion or a witness so to speak. Not to sound cruel, but tell her sisters to come try to get her to eat. You shouldn't have to be worried about "Murder" with everything going on.
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jimmyrbrock, I read that your mother is diabetic, so I understand how concerned you are. Which diabetic medications is she supposed to be taking? Have you been able to get her to check her glucose level? In your situation I would make an appointment for you to talk to her doctor very quickly to see what the options are. Since she is diabetic, not eating and taking medications is not an option for her unless she is ready to die. It is unfair for her to expect others just sit and watch while she does it. Talk to her doctor to get some advice as soon as possible. If she starts to go into metabolic failure, call 911 to take her to the er. Maybe they will admit her to a geriatric psych program to see if they can help her past what sounds like depression. My thoughts and hopes are with you. It is a cruel thing to have to watch while this happens.
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Thanks for the responces. She refuses to go to the Doctors also. When we have called a Ambulance out here cause she couldnt hardly breathe and they ask her questions. Like Birth date, Who the President is etc. She answers the questions. They say they can't make her go.
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Very hard for you but if she is of sound mind there is little you can do but make sure authorities know what she is doing. How old is she? Does anyone have POA? How is her general health?
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You're doing all the right things. If your mother is of sound mind, she has the right to refuse medical treatment and the right to refuse food. If you are ensuring that both of these things are constantly and easily available to her should she change her mind, and given that you have no right to force them on her, how could you possibly be guilty of neglect? Your aunts are suffering from the common delusion that they could do better. Are they going to give it a try? No, thought not. Keep in touch with the authorities, keep offering her water and food, keep monitoring her bloods, and if you're still worried keep a detailed log of everything.

Far from neglecting your mother, you are giving her the best kind of loving care.
Unfortunately, her choices are still agonising for you - is there anyone around who can help you with that? x
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I'm sorry.. I would call her POA let them know what is happening and let the POA know the sister are claiming neglect.
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i called the rubber truck one night when mom was having a phsyc episode. of course she refused help but somehow the law permitted the medics to take her against her will. im glad because a shot of haldol settled her right down.
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.This is so difficult. I think keeping a written, or oral (recorded on some device) account of your daily attempts to feed her and help her - like calling an ambulance - is a good idea, even if only for your peace of mind. Make sure her doctor and/or other professionals know what is happening. The personnel who came with the ambulance will have a record of her responses. I agree that the aunts are speaking out of grief. I think a home visit from APS, or a social worker is a good idea. You might ask the aunts to be there at the time, so they better understand what is happening.

Looking for someone to help you through this is also a good idea, and further evidence to a professional that you are doing what you can. Meanwhile you can get support here. Please do come back and let us know how you are doing. Seeing a loved one make choices that are not in their own best interests is always very hard. You can lead a horse to water, but... ((((((((((((hugs))))))))).
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I agree with the advice to keep a log. I'd also get a videotape of your mom where you ask her questions about her refusal to eat and take her medication. And ask her the same questions the paramedics ask her, to show that she's with it. What year it is, who is the president, what day it is. And let her doc know what is happening. If your mom doesn't have dementia, then I think you've done what you can. And I also agree with the advice to come here to get support. What you're going through would be hard on anyone!
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@ emjo,
you can lead a horse to water but have you ever tried to drown one?
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This is suicidal behavior, so they will likely take her in for evaluation. Talk to her doctor, he may tell you to cal 911. At minimum she is likely dehydrated which gets her a stay at the hospital. It may not solve anything, but you can only do what you can do,
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Is Mom still passing urine? What color is it? Is she a secret drinker as in does she get a drink of water while she is in the bathroom? If you call 911 she will again refuse to go and I don't believe you can make her. Have hospice come in and evaluate her, she may be nearing the end of her life and this is common though upsetting behavior. Will she let you weigh her?
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There is no POA. I tried to check into it and was told that she would half to give the consent for me to be it. I'm alone except for Aunt that lives here others live a couple of hours away and there the ones saying this.Nobody for me to talk to and its driving me crazy.
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Yeah she is still passing Urine its like a dark amber color and smells allful.Thanks for the Idea of keeping a log will start today.
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jimmy - document, document, document. How old is your mom and is anything else wrong with her besides the diabetes? Do you believe she is at the end of her life and wants to pass or do you think she maybe depressed and suicidal and making an inappropriate decision to not want to live anymore? You most likely know her better than anyone else and should be able to have a feel for these answers.

I am a big believer in nanny cams for video evidence of how a person is behaving and whether their decisions seem to be of sound mind or not. You can usually tell but a picture is worth a thousand words and a video is worth a thousand pictures. You can get a miniature clock with a concealed camera that is motion activated, has a USB connection so you can download the video to your computer and burn a disc to show others. All available for under $100. That, and document, document, document + fax or email hey very succinct yet complete letter to her doctor. S/he may put your mom into a 72 hour psych evaluation to determine whether this is truly hurt and of life choice or is a temporary mental illness. She could have out of control blood sugar, a B-12 deficiency, a thyroid problem or a number of other issues that could lead her to confused decision making. Be cautious of her sisters and their judgments. They are obviously sitting back and letting you run the show, but then forming conclusions that you're not doing it the way they would do it. Be sure you include their concerns in your written communication with the doctor.
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You say the urine smalls awful. Can you get a specemin and take it to the Drs office so they can check for an infection
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Yes get as many people involved as witnesses but report her to her doc and get a nurse in, here the law is different if she is a threat to herself then she can be taken into hospital by force a diabetic not eating is serious she could go into a coma I am having serious problems with mum she has bedsores,a urine infection and her bloods are off the wall she refuses to see a Doc and keeps saying shes not well enough to go?? I am trying to track down our useless district nurse who shouldve called 3wks ago as bedsores are serious my useless bro as per usual just says well we cant make her go YES WE CAN.
Here we have district nurses who call to sick patients at least once a week they assess the situation and report everything dont you have this system in the US?
Let us know what happens as this is important to know and what a stressful time for you. I know my friends mum is not recovering well after her op and is of sound mind the nurse says if she dosnt put on more weight soon she will be readmitted to hospital until shes a normal weight! Hugs to you this is very stressful and such a worry and like another post says tell her sister to get her ass there and feed her! Everyone has an opinion but is not there to help?
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Oh and yes if anyone else has POA then they can be done for neglect but i take it from your post that she may not have any POA?
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When we got her to go to the urgent care last month she had a UTI and since she had stated that she could not take her med. cause she could not swallow. The Doctor there suggested she be put in the Hospital to get the meds in her.this was a thursday on that Friday they Hospital did a procedure to see if anything was blocking her from swallow there was anything.After that she refused to let thme connect her back up to I VS. and she refused everthing threw the night from Blood Presusre check to, Sugar Checks and refuse to take her meds mouth. On Sat they came in and said she can go home , But need to follow up with a swallowing Test and with Her Primary care Doctor, She is refusing to go anywhere cause she dosent want to go back in the Hospital.
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Yes, jimmy, Veronica (as always) has a good suggestion. Does mom pee in the toilet? You can go to her customary lab and get a sterile sample cup. You can also pick up something called a "hat" which is a clear insert that you put across a porcelain part of the toilet but under the toilet seat. It can't really be seen but the urine will go into the Hat rather than in the water of the toilet. To avoid contamination of the specimen, you should sanitize the inside of the hat with rubbing alcohol and let it dry completely before use. Then after mom makes a trip to the bathroom, you carefully poor some of the urine into the sample cup. Refrigerate immediately and get it to the lab as soon as possible. This could not only demonstrate an infection, but might show sugar in the urine and other problems, any of which could lead to a subclinical type of confusion for your mom that would cause her to make inappropriate decisions.

With the way you've described her recent hospital stay, that may be enough documentation to show her intent, especially if the medical professionals did nothing about it but sent her home. As you have no posted this more specific information, I would say a nanny cam and journaling may not be necessary - may just be more work, too much work, for you. And goodness knows, I would never suggest unnecessary work when you're overwhelmed with what you're doing already.

But I would still recommend the fax or email sent directly to the doctor about her current behavior and her current choices, as well as remind the doctor at the same time, in writing, about her behavior and refusals in the hospital before they discharged her. The more you put in writing that they don't respond to, the less you are responsible, IMO.

You still haven't said her age or if there's anything else wrong with her, like something major medical, other than the diabetes. I want to ask you, jimmy, are YOU prepared for her to pass away. Her sisters may not be prepared because it's too close to mortality for them. But perhaps it's time for you to prepare yourself for her to depart in case that is truly what she wants. It is it possible to keep everyone alive, especially if their soul or spirit is heck bent on leaving. I just want you, if it's inevitable, and if the decision is it made out of impairment, to be able to except letting her go and know that you did everything in your power that she was willing to let you do.

Please keep posting.
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If she is in sound mind- get her to create & sign & have witnessed (objective 3rd party notary?) a healthcare directive and living will (have her state her wishes/ prove her sound-mindedness on video?) - and follow those to insure her wishes and that no one suffers false claims/accusations, and she is not forced to suffer unwanted treatment.

Living at any cost is not living... I prefer to live and die naturally.. with minimum drama for myself & others, minimum cost to me and others, while reducing profits of the billion dollar, out of control, medical-marketing industry... i just say no, thank you.

I have seen far too many elders linger in pain, suffering and regretting their choices for years, thanks to having chosen the "benefits" of the miracle of modern "medicine".. when - if they had not taken the meds, or had pacemaker installed, heart transplant, etc.. they would have died as they lived, vibrant and still contributing and caring for themselves.
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And it would be excellent to convince her to sign her medical and financial POA's do you know when she is competent. Make her understand that you want to do this so that you have the authority to follow her wishes. You must explain to her that if she doesn't have those documents in place when she is of sound mind, you will have to do it anyway, later, and it will either cost a ridiculous amount of money or, if you can't afford the money to do this, the state will take over and they will no longer allow you to care for her. Tell her that is the last thing you want to happen, then ask her if she wants some stranger making decisions about her health, her medical care and her last days.
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My Mom is 64, She is Bed Riden now cant get up so peeing in a diaper or pad is what she has been doing so constantly changin Diapers and Mattress pad and Cover is an everyday thing. I have started a log (Documentation) Of everything from the start. also Have My Aunt that lives here doing the same. also Have other people that I have went to for suggestion on what to get her to eat and how. to right out a statement also. A pharamist, a Tech, and an Exc from my Job that witness when she first had an episode at my job so Im CYA. Its a shame though All my concentration should be on her not liablility, But I know I half too. I told my Aunt that lives here in town that she can tell the others to stop calling me or my house I was not going to talk to anybody that talks behind my back and is trying to conspire to get me in trouble.
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jimmy - whatever you do, don't forget to email, fax or snail mail a brief but thorough description of what's going on to your mother's doctor, who needs to be on board with what is currently happening, even though s/he was aware of what happened at the hospital. It's truly unfortunate that you cannot put all your effort toward your mom's care and have to CYA, but it IS a reality that you MUST protect yourself when you have opposing forces working against you.
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What a difficult time for you! Personally I believe everyone has the right to eat/not eat/drink/or not/sleep or not. When someone has been through operations, long difficult illness, and-or is just plain tired of it all she/he knows "what to do" to slide away peacefully.
In the past,My own mother, step-father, brother and sister, in their own time, all over the age of 80 were able to stay in their own home with some pain relief and ice chips for dry mouth. Each of them glided into restful sleep…forever.They had been checked by docs and hospice nurses.We were letting them take control at the last. Keeping a detail log is a great idea as is staying in contact with her doc by phone.Does she respond to you at all? Sometimes a lift of an eyebrow, a lop-sided grin, a tiny nod of the head is all the response you may get. Did she used to like music? Does an on-going radio ( try the NPR station) soothe or irritate her?
Best wishes to you, gather around you (in person or by phone) supportive friends,minister? And be sure to keep your own self nourished.
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How's it going? Can you update?
Does your Mom have a good PCP?
Has she seen him/her lately?
Does she been suffering acute or chronic health issues?
Could she be "actively dying?"
Have you Investigated hospice?
I think if you have her assessed by her physician that would rule out neglect.
Maybe her physician would like her in hospital for a couple of days to
hydrate her and get a psych eval?
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