What am I to do when my mom refuses to help pay for her share of household bills? - AgingCare.com

What am I to do when my mom refuses to help pay for her share of household bills?

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My mother lives with my husband and I in our home. My husband and I are both unemployed. We are living off of our retirement funds. We rent out a room to a roommate who is paying 600.00 a month with rent increases every year. He provides his own food. Mom is paying 500.00 a month and she refuses to pay any more. We supply her food, cook her meals, we take her to and from her doctor appointments, I do all her laundry and put it away for her, She does not qualify for medicaid because she keeps giving money away to her grand daughter who doesn't even thank her for it and in my opinion is taking advantage of her grand mother. After utilities are taken out of the 500.00 mom pays, and the groceries and the gas for transportation her rent is around 2 to 3 hundred a month. My husband plans on going back to work but I need to stay home with my mom. How can I convince my mother that she needs to be helping out more. She clears over 1100.00 a month .

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When my mother first brought up the idea of moving in with us, we lived in a split foyer house. All steps, all the time. Even if we had a spare room, she would have been stuck in the lower level. So, we gave up our home with a $1,600 a month mortgage and purchased a home with a full in-law suite and a hefty $2,400 a month mortgage. Our heating and cooling bills almost doubled since our square footage doubled (and she has to keep her apartment at 90 degrees). Our food bills increased slightly.

Mom brings in plenty of money a month. She still insist on paying all of brother#1's housing costs and some of his living expenses (has not worked more than a month in all of his 53 years on this planet).

When we first agreed to bring her in, she was living almost independently. She has, within 18 months, declined to near helplessness (mostly laziness, some physical). Because of this, we have had to give up travel (we used to travel extensively). Running errands or going out to dinner becomes a tactical operation. I am woken up in the night because she can't get into or out of bed.

If she were not to pay rent, her money would go into savings and eventually her estate to be split evenly 4 ways between I daughter who sacrificed and three sons who don't even call or visit.

H3ll yes, I am collecting $800 a month rent.
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It's very expensive to support a child let alone an adult! Adults often tend to eat more when full-grown, and if you're going to support an adult, I hope you have endless income, because supporting someone else is more expensive than supporting children. If she's not going to pay her fair share, you can give her the ultimatum since she has more than enough money to pay her fair share. Give her the ultimatum that she pays up or gets out and moves elsewhere. Only greed would prevent someone from paying their fair share in any living situation when they have more than enough money to do so. I don't know what she's saving all of her money for unless she's contemplating needing it for future care beyond living at home, but Medicaid helps those who need it, and it doesn't look like she needs Medicaid if she's sitting on all of her money each month. Therefore, if this is the case, she can take that rusty money and get her own place and start supporting herself by paying her own way. Anytime you take someone in, you may or may not notice an increase in expenses, but it's there whether you know it or not because you must buy extra groceries, use extra water and so forth. Remember, this is taking on an extra person in the household anytime you take someone in, so yes, it does cost extra to support another person. So many people are actually hurting financially, and to have someone who refuses to pay their fair share is downright greedy of that person. She's supposed to be paying her fair share, and if she was renting and did this to her landlord, she'd be evicted whether or not she had anywhere to go. When people run rentals, it's a business, and sadly hardly anything it's free because it takes money to get by in this world. It sounds like she really needs a very hard reminder lesson on reality. If she has dementia though, you'll definitely want to have a guardian take over her financial affairs which will make her pay her fair share, because the guardian will make sure those bills are paid. It sounds to me like someone needs to take over an override the situation to bring about a successful solution to the problem instead of enabling her and letting it slide. Yes, something seriously needs to be done and fast before extra expense takes down the household causing you to lose everything at some point. If you find yourself selling stuff just to get by, there is a problem. She has disposable income and she needs to use it or someone needs to gain guardianship and take over her money and get her fair share a page out of her own money. It's wrong when so many people are hurting financially these days and someone who you take in refuses to pay their fair share especially if you happen to be among those who are hurting financially. You're right to be concerned and even angry, I don't blame you and something should be done, I agree with you on that! Surely someone has the power to do something about this. If she puts her money into the bank, is anyone on the account with her? If so, the joint owner has the power to take money from that account. Find out how much she has saved up and make her pay for the guardianship process by taking the money out of her own money. Then when her next check hits the bank, it can go to a new account that the guardian has control of. That way, she'll have to pay her fair share of because the guardian now has control of her money
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I didn't notice that...does this mom had dementia? If that be the case, then it won't be long before she doesn't know how much of her check you're taking. You'll be in charge soon enough.
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The problem with above advice, as i see it, is that the dementia patient doest learn from exp6.. what she'll learn from being excluded id that someone is being "mean" wuth6dementia patients, there is no reasoning.
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From your description, it sounds to me like it's time for your mom to be moved to alternate living arrangements. I think what's really going on is she's probably thinking she shouldn't have to pay for stuff she's getting free, which is true to a reasonable point.
If you're struggling financially, you can't afford to take on another person and totally support them, especially when they have that much money and they won't share it. People get certain amounts in their benefits for a reason, to support their living costs. Federal benefits are there to support the necessities. What you may want to do is get her into her own apartment for starters. This will help remind her how much it costs to be able to have one's own home. This would be good for her educationally. Experience will teach her the real cost of today's living. I strongly agree with suggestions on putting back on cable and other areas. Just cut out all nonessentials as mentioned here so she'll see the pinch from being a tightwad. On top of all that, it might even help to make some tightwad statements and crack some tightwad jokes. That way, it may shame her into carrying her share of the household expenses. If she's going to be a tightwad then she's not going to enjoy any privileges. For instance, if you go on an outing, don't include her. If you're throwing a party, exclude her and don't allow her to participate in anything whatsoever. On pizza night, make her pay two or three dollars per slice if she wants any of it. The overall idea is that if you're doing anything fun or extra, don't include her at all. This will teach her how not to be a tightwad and it will definitely show her how life really is when you can't spare enough money for extras. If she wants to live like a tightwad and not share in household expenses, then she shouldn't participate in anything extra that the rest of the family is doing. There are consequences for greed, and those consequences should be in force and reflect the fact she's being a greedy tightwad. For the amount of money she's getting each month there is no need for her to say she doesn't have enough money to contribute to the household since there's more than enough money for her to do so. If she wants to be greedy, I'll let her be greedy with consequences to show for her choices. It costs far more than $100 per month to cover shelter, utilities, food, and other essentials
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I remember after I got out of college and was working full time, living at home [that was the norm in my era, live at home until you get married], my parents charged me rent. I also had a list of chores to do.
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Whatever mom pays you you'll have to claim toward income taxes. However, you might find that you can claim her as a dependent if you pay more then half toward her care, which you might prove that you do if you keep receipts, which will offset some of that tax.
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I think, in this case, mom only needs to keep enough of her SS to have some spending money and needs to turn the rest over to her daughter and son in law. It would all be taken if she were in a nursing home and she wouldn't be nearly as comfortable or be around those who love and look out for her on a daily basis. .....

You really got my dander up there TooYoungForThis...
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Hey, that posted before I was done.

I was saying...in this case, mom only has 1100/mo coming in...not enough to live alone on. So she's move in with daughter and sounds to be quite needy since she has to be taken too and from Dr. appts, have daughter do laundy, cook for her, etc. (thus daughter feels she needs to stay home with her). My dad is the same...he can do things for himself, but in trying to do so he makes a terrible mess, blows things up in the microwave, boils things over on the stove (and forgets to turn the stove off), and, more importantly, occasionally falls and can't get up without help and mixed up his medications morning noon and night. So my daughter in law stays home and watches after him like a mother hen, and in turn, he pays her to do so. I feel DrRock deserves the same. 500.00/mo IS NOT enough. She'd be paying a whole lot more if she were out on their own and the daughter and son in law would not have their lives turned upside down. It's not a matter of her not loving or caring about her mom. I'm guessing you aren't caring your mother is well able to do for herself and is in pretty good health, that you don't have a mom living with you who didn't save a thing toward their retirement in the 70 plus years she's been alive, and now expects to live totally off you?
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To Young for This - You give a long list of things done for the poster when she was a child. So are you saying that children are responsible for providing total care for their seniors when they didn't save enough money to live on their own once they need care? That's crazy! If that's the case, we don't need this forum. All who are caring for their aged parents just need to remember, when things get tough, all dear mom or dad did for them when they were children and suck it up.

I don't think anyone in here believes that... In this case mom only has 1
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